Can't move on

[Lost_Girl1]

3 years ago my ex left me because 'he didnt love me anymore'. I later found out that he had cheated on me with his workmates and used me to save money to buy the house that was supposed to be for us. It was a 5 year relationship that I put everything I had into as I had never loved someone like that before.

Since then my life had never been the same. He broke me and I am so ashamed I ever let myself be in that situation. I havent been able to open up to anyone because I dont feel I cant trust them. I'm 33 and feel like I have missed out on my life, kids and the possibility of ever loving someone again.

I feel like every man who talks to me is just going to lie to me, and I dont approach anyone because I feel like they're going to get bored of me and use me.

Its so hard watching all of my friends and family get married and have kids, and then there's me still alone and nothing to show in life.

I dont know what to do and its breaking me more. I feel like I've lost a part of myself and I dont know how to get her back.

How do I get past these feelings of never being good enough? How do I trust anyone again? How do I trust their intentions for me?

The only time I feel strong is when I'm at work, outside of work I go back inside my shell and just pass time until I go back to work.

I really dont know what to do anymore and I'm tired of crying.

[Chris26]

Hello,

Your post really resonates with me and I’ve had a very similar experience. I moved to Australia 5 years ago with my gf at the time and after about 2 years we broke up. She struggled with serious anxiety and depression and things unravelled very quickly.

Since then I have dated a few other people but never felt the same until I started dating someone I work with. However this hasn’t worked out as she is quite a bit younger and she didn’t feel ready to commit to a relationship with all the extra work baggage.

During COVID I have been left very lonely. I don’t have family in Australia and being completely honest my closest friend is the person I refer to earlier.

Despite from the outside appearing very successful in my job I am very very empty and missing any real purpose in life. I struggle at the moment to find any real joy in anything I do and feel very isolated and lonely.

I feel the same that I have had my best years taken away from me and don’t know how to shake myself out of feeling so low.

[White_Rose]

Dear Lost.Girl

Hello and welcome to the forum. I can assure you this is a safe place and no one will harm you or betray you. I am so sad for you going through that horrible experience. Being lied to and cheated is hard to bear. A long term relationship such as yours must have felt pretty special, then to have it all thrown away must have been devastating.

It's good you feel so much better at work and be able to successfully manage your job is a boon. I imagine this is a place where you can forget your worries. Not having a romantic relationship at work means you can feel safe and get on with your life there.

Once you have lost your trust in people it is so hard to regain. You have a good relationship with your colleagues who do not use and abuse you and which you find satisfying. And I think this is your answer. Instead of hiding away can you start an activity that you enjoy because you enjoy it. Is there something you are interested in that gives you some satisfaction? Developing relationships with others in a safe environment will help you manage your grief.

I recognise you feel ashamed that he treated you so badly and it may help to know that anyone in a similar also feels shame. Why we should should feel ashamed seems silly as we have been so dreadfully hurt. It is the other person who should be ashamed. However our minds do not work like this. We are filled with regret and anger that we were part of this and did not know what was going to happen.

It's been a while since you parted. Do you feel less ashamed and angry? I understand that you are still distressed but I wonder if that has dissipated a little. Talking about these hurtful matters does help to relieve the pressure and help you to manage. Have you thought of talking to a professional person about this? Perhaps you could contact Relationships Australia in your area and get some counselling. At the very least it would provide a safe place to talk and perhaps gain some self confidence. Also posting in here can help as many people have found.

Love to hear from you again.

Mary