can anyone tell me what's going on?

[HelenM]

I've not been on the forums for a week or two.

I'm having new symptoms that don't make sense.

By the beginning of June I was coming out of a 5 month depression - it was mild for me.

Then one day I developed horrendous fear (mental rather than physica ) that I'd go right down again. After an awful week it passed and I started back up. Within 4 weeks I was fine again then wham-  the same horrible fear Which passed after a week. I went on to have 3 pretty good weeks  -  then fear again though not just as intense but debilitating. This went after a couple of days. So I begin to relax - then last Friday -just four days later here it is again - very like the one  before in duration and intensity. 

My GP thinks it's unpleasant but has no answers.  In 12 years of depression I've haven't had fear anything like this bad. My depression and anxiety are minimal - I don't know what's going on. Just now(ie in the last few days) the only thing that's holding me back is the belief that this will return. Because it's so new to me I am unable to see how it can possibly resolve. Can it?

Please if any of the answers are negative don't tell me. Also I can't see a psychiatrist as they'd recommend CBT which I've done lots of.

I feel totally lost in all this and whilst I'm grateful for the good days the fear is blighting my life.

Thanks for reading, Helen

[HelenM]

Dearest gmc, Geoff and Snoman, and that is what you are, dearest. I nearly cried when I saw three posts, not that I haven't had help before.

All your posts are most helpful because they all lead to help towards improvement. As you say gmc knowing what it is helps a lot. And Geoff you always suggest things that I realise could well be contributing. Snoman I hadn't heard ACT and will look into it.    

As for my Dad, he's 83 and pretty mellow now. He only gets uptight when his football team are playing cos they nearly always lose. I don't mean he plays football, he supports West Bromwich Albion (a team in England)

Thank you again, Helen x

[gmc]

Hello dear Helen,

I am glad you feel that way. I hope you get better as time goes by. Remember we are always here to help 🙂 as you already know. Me personally, I am very glad to share my experience and happy it helps other people. Because others helped me too and so I advice you to do too. Being part of this kind of community is much more that you can think of, it makes us feel so good by helping. But I think you already know it :).

I'd be happy to hear more from you.

Kind regards,

gmc 

[HelenM]

My GP had told me that a Mindfulness Course was not available through our health service. There weren't any available anywhere else other than evenings in Glasgow, an hour's bus journey. Anyway I have since checked and my doctor can refer me for a course. So, I've got an appt with my GP (not for 2 more weeks though) and hopefully she will refer me. 

I think you're right Snoman and that my depression is changing. For years depression was very much my biggest symptom. Over the years that has become milder. I have some anxiety but I think I was more or less out of my depressive episode when  the fear kicked in.  

I was actually having a good handful of days. But last Saturday I got involved in some political activity (for the first time in all these years of illness). It involved stopping people in the street in our town and explaining about a treaty that isn't in peoples interests. Many years ago I was very political and used to get a real buzz from activity. Although I really enjoyed it this time I should know better. Whether I'm ill or doing really well my activity levels have been severely reduced by depression. Doing something I feel passionate about is asking for trouble. It's exhausted me, made me anxious and my mood's dropped.

I'd be interested to know if other people have to be careful with how much they do. If I don't do enough in the week my mood comes down. However I have to be careful I don't do too much and avoid things that I feel strongly about. Also when I'm unwell like now, I can't  stay away from home.  Unfortunately I can't visit my parents or siblings or go on holiday with my husband. I'm relieved that my two children live close by.

Snoman; have you found that Mindfulness makes a big difference in your health.

Helen

[Snoman]

Hey Helen,

I used to have a very high pressure job.  I took it in my stride.  People around me thought I coped amazingly with stress and a full-on job.  And I did.  Mindfulness was the big thing for me.

Somewhere I lost it.  I stopped living in the moment.  I stopped being mindful.  I gave in to the B.S. that came with a new company (same line of work).  I believe that is when I started to fall into the black pit.

My wife once said to me, it was like I showed her all about mindfulness (or on-the-path as we call it), then said see-ya, I'm off to get depressed.

My wife's counsellor friends all recommended I find a psychologist who did ACT.  I read up about it, and saw that it was based on mindfulness.  Lots of things I already knew (and forgotten).  ACT was so good for me.  Specifically the mindfulness to help let go attachment to my feelings and the lesson that depression requires inaction.

I frequently sit still and just be aware of my breath and the environment around me.  It fills me with inner peace.  There is no room for a black dog and inner peace.

Like you, I also have to avoid doing too much.  My psych described it like having the 'flu - you can still do things, but you may need to take on a bit less until you get a bit better.  How much is too much?  It varies day-to-day, but every week I seem to be able to cope with a bit more.

Sno

[gmc]

Hello Helen,

I'm sorry I can't read more carefully your thread, but I am glad for your activities and that you do what you like. Hope you're better.

Be back soon,

gmc

[HelenM]

Hi gmc and Snoman, thanks for your posts.

I've had a mixed bag of symptoms these last few months. I have to hope that worry can be helped by mindfulness.

Worry is my big external problem. In Scotland we're having a referendum in 2 weeks for independence. I was fine about it until last night. Then suddenly all my fears came alive. With independence would my kids keep their jobs. What about health care, education, benefits etc. I was really hoping for Ind. and the way it goes is very close. Now I'm fighting thoughts of fear/worry. I'm sorry for moaning but my first 2 and worst depressions came from worry. I'm trying to use all my coping strategies. I'm trying to tell myself that the secon depression was ten years ago, my mind will have done some healing by now. I tell myself that I'm in a happier working environment now. My worry is less intense than all those years ago but I'm scared. 

I struggling to realise that things change. Probably I cope much better than I did. I'm probably using black and white thinking. But scenes from my depression of then keep coming in front of me.

I'm telling myself all the time that it'll be a no vote and I half believe it. You know I truly hate coming on here moaning but I'm frightened of where I might be going. Surely I won't go there.Please God in a couple of weeks this worry will lift and I'll get on with the business of recovery again.

When I'm having good days I try to help other people but just now I can't - sorry.

[White_Rose]

Dear Helen

I do get the bit about being able to cope and helping others and at other times only managing ourselves. Since I've had this 'flu it's been as much as I can do to even get on to the site. Helping others is far too hard.

So don't worry about what you cannot do. Just write or vent here because we are your friends and understand how it goes. Work on getting yourself well again, she said as though it was easy. Major change is always scary, especially when there is the potential for such long term consequences.

I have no idea how Scotland will vote. There has not been a great deal in the news here. Well not unless I have just not noticed.  I must ask my son-in-law who comes from Glasgow.

Take care of yourself my dear.

LING

[HelenM]

Maybe venting is what I need. Maybe if I write things down it will dilute them a little. Worry is a big problem for me as it can pull me right down. If it does I'll need psychiatric help as my meds can't be increased.  The trouble is I think there's quite a long waiting list, so by the time you get seen you've been struggling for ages. 

I can't tell myself not to worry - it doesn't work. Strangely if I sit and reason with myself I feel a bit more optimistic. I was at the charity shop today on the till. My mind splits itself. On the one hand I cope absolutely fine. But all the time I'm thinking, 'Oh my God, I'm going down again.'  Because I'm busy I can't reason with myself. But I've always been like that. Even in a terrible depression I can 'put on a face'.

The trouble is I think, that you can never know that depression won't come back. And it's really hard to know where you are now and where you were then. You measure things in your head. You say, was it like this that last time, was it worse and I'm not too bad really. I am very analytical which means I'm constantly trying to work things out. I do think that at times it's served me well.

I keep thinking of all those years ago when I became ill for the second time - that's where I'm worried I'm going. I remember feeling as though I had a ball of rubber bands in the back of my head. I've got a headache now, but not like that. But I keep  worrying it'll come - it was, I think, the result of weeks of intense worry. 

I've always known that I could go down again to a really painful level. As I said I would have to wait ages to see a psychiatrist. 

I don't want to die. But I want to have lived my life through and be able to die peacefully. One day when I've died it won't matter how much I've been through. I'll be the same as everyone else in the cemetery. This sounds miserable. It's not. I'm so very weary and I've got lots more to go through. Probably there'll be good bits- it's just hard to imagine them right now.

[gmc]

Hello dear Helen,

I'm back for a little while on the forums and I just wanted to say that I perfectly understand the level of worries you have. I have been experiencing these dasys this kind of anxiety that was up to the sky. I know what you are going through. I am sorry, I don't remember you are seeing a specialist or not, but if you do, please try to talk to her/him about where could this worries come from. It would help you a lot to understand the source of your worries.

I hope you are doing better. Keep strong.

gmc

[CMF]

Hi Helen,

I've seen your replies on gmc's posts and I know she may be away from the forums for a while so I thought I'd step in.  hope you don't mind. Anxiety is awful, and overwhelming fear.  I feel like a broken record but look into a product called inositol  its a natural sugar. Great for anxiety. I have been taking it for a while and it does help.  1/4 teaspoon a day with say a banana.

 The way inositol benefits depression, mood swings and to a lesser extent, bipolar disorder is very promising as well. Research has shown that those with low levels of inositol in their body have a higher chance of suffering any of these mental illnesses. Also, inositol is known to participate in the action of serotonin production in the brain and nerve systems that responds well to mood stabilizers. Put these together and you have a pretty great, natural antidepressant.

I understand the ear of depression returning.  I rarely allow myself to be to happy when Im feeling better because then the 'low feeling' will be more severe as I have experienced recently.  I felt really happy and then it all changed overnight so I shouldn't have allowed myself to get swept away in the happiness.

I definitely hear you