Anxious, scared & sad

[Shellwin]

Ok, where to even begin.

i have , for as long as I can remember felt different. I don’t fit in with the mainstream (and don’t really want to) and find it difficult in social situations, although I fake it. Smile, chat etc etc & go home exhausted.

I have always had bouts of sadness & feelings of “what’s the point” my mind is always questioning everything & trying to find reason in the things we’re supposed to do & the things society expects of us.

I self medicated a lot in my youth but just suffered through it as I got older.

I was taking medication for 3 years but that just made me feel numb. So I’m not on anything at the moment.

I wish I could be happy.

I feel my mental state is so ingrained in me that it is actually me and can’t be changed.

I wish I could take a holiday from myself.

i see other people enjoying life & being happy & im just here like 😐

Is there a secret reset to factory settings button located somewhere on the human body, coz that’d be great.

I hate that my brain works against me. Why can’t we be friends.

I need to learn how to play these cards I’ve been dealt & how to beat the game it’s playing, at the moment I’m running around with a fist full of crumpled ass cards screaming WHAT THE FRICK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS!! WHAT A CRAP HAND!

Anyhoo, I need help but I don’t know where to even begin.

Maybe I’ll just take another nap.

rant over.

thanks for listening.

Fin

[blondguy]

Hello Shellwin

Welcome to you and thankyou for being a part of the forums...It takes courage to post...good on you!

You are not ranting at all. You post is just as important as mine or anyone elses here!

I also wish I had the magical 'reset' button with me too...I understand you. Its takes serious strength to cope with having a brain that wants to do the opposite of what we want to do!

Firstly if I can...the meds are never a fix all...they do provide us with a solid foundation on which we can heal by having frequent counseling....I know its a pain yet to have some peace in our lives it takes determination...and a strong commitment to heal

I have had ongoing chronic anxiety since the early 1980's followed by depression. This is my 22nd year on AD's to offset the anxiety/depression which has given me back some peace Shellwin

You are stronger than I am Shellwin...I joined the forums in Jan 2016 and didnt have the courage to write my own thread like you have done.

I really hope you can stick around the forums (if you wish to) There are many gentle people that can be here for you...no worries. I am in my 50's and this illness is more common than you know

my kind thoughts

Paul

[MsPurple]

Hi Shellwin.

I completely understand how you are feeling. I am also having one of those days where I am hating the cards I have been dealt too. I sometimes wish I could press the reset button too.

I have found on days I feel like this I try do extra self care. I try go to the gym, cook/eat a healthy meal, read a book, meditate, have a bath etc. I usually find these days pass and I later see all the things I have. Although I am not in a career job, I at least have a job. I have a partner, a good housemate, loving family etc.

I understand that medications can have side effects and a feeling of numbness can be one of them. When doctors prescribe meditation they take a few things into account. Side effects vs benefits as well as will this be beneficial or harmful. It can be difficult because not everyone gets the same side effects from the same drug. One thing I have found is being open with my doctor. If I don't know how to explain how Iam feeling I tell them this. I let them know I am struggling to describe it and they ask questions to help figure it out. IT is ok to not feel ok and not be completely sure how to articulate it. Be honest with your doctor. Let them know if a certain side effect is a deal breaker. For me a deal breaker is weight gain, I have had an ED in the past and I need to avoid big weight shifts as it can cause a relapse.

I hope this helps. You are definitely not alone. Coming here shows you want to feel better. You can always come here to vent and get support.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Shellwin

I hope you feel better after venting and I thank you for sharing your story. You've come to the right place for kindness and support.

You're right, it seems you have been dealt a crappy hand. I am so sorry that you are suffeting. Unfortunately the sad truth is that there is a randomness about life that affects us all. Life isn't fair but it is good and it's worth fighting for your share of joy and light.

Let the right people in to help you. Talk to your GP or psych or find new ones, until you get a helpful response. They can't do it for you, but they can teach you how to play the cards you were dealt.

My daughter fell terribly ill at age 13 with anxiety and OCD. She was at the bottom of a deep dark well with no hope. I threw her every rope I could but, at the end of the day, she had to pull herself up. Today she is studying architecture at university, in love with a wonderful young man and enjoying life. It can get better.

If there is someone in your life to support you I encourage you to reach out. I also offer my hand in friendship and support, as have the others who have posted.

Kind thoughts to you

[Shellwin]

Thank you so much for your kind words, I really wasn’t expecting any responses at all.

Its nice to know there are other people in the same boat who have had help & are better off for it.

Gives me hope & makes me realize that perhaps seeking out help myself wouldn’t be such a bad thing & doesn’t mean I’m a failure at life, just that I need a little help.

Im mid 40s & often think it’s to late to change but I guess it’s never to late to teach an old crazy dog new tricks huh.

Thanks again

😊