Anxiety ruining my relationship

[Tilly20]

This is my first post so I’m a little bit nervous but here goes.

I’ve been in a relationship with my parter for 1.5 years now and she is everything I could ask for- kind, caring, understanding, loving, seriously the most amazing And perfect person I have ever met.
About 6 months ago I had a few small doubts about our relationship resulting from us going on a short break. We are back together now and everything is perfect except I can’t stop overthinking those doubts- why they came up? If I should just ignore them? Am I just overthinking? I keep worrying that at key moments (eg propsoal, wedding, moving in together) I’m going to have doubts. I hate myself for feeling this way and having these doubts because I’m really in love with her. I have talked to her about all of this and she has been so understanding and said that it’s ok and we can just take it slow.
I guess all I’m wondering is how do I work through this? How do I take control of my anxiety and be fully present in my relationship- I love her and I will do anything to sort this out- breaking up is not something I want to do.

[Blake_S]

Hey Tilly20,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums, and thank you for telling us a bit about what has been going on for you at the moment.

I am sorry to hear that you are having anxiety, experiencing doubts and overthinking, I can imagine that this would be distressing for you, especially considering your love for your partner. I am glad that you have spoken to her about your doubts, and that she has been understanding - sounds like you've found a keeper there!

As for your feelings, anxiety is part of what makes us human, but I can see that your anxiety is perhaps causing you more distress than it should. The good news is that anxiety is something that can be managed, and it's wonderful that you have such insight into your feelings because that means we find some solutions. I was wondering if anything has been successful in managing your anxiety in the past?

I also want to commend you on having the strength and courage to post on these forums, reaching out for help and typing out what has been difficult for you is no easy step. We are all so glad that you are here.

I hope to hear back from you,
Blake_S :)

[Tilly20]

Hi Blake_S :),

Thank you for replying. Posting on here wasnt easy but it was a step I knew I needed to take if I wanted to save my relationship.

In the past if ive had anxiety Ive never really dealt with it. I have sort of just pushed it to the back of my mind and tried to ignore it- which usually ends with it all building up an resulting in a breakdown and lots of crying. My partner has been incredible in these situations and has encouraged me to write out all the thoughts floating around in my mind. This sort of helps but not for long- the thoughts quickly resurface.

I cant lose this girl, I am willing to take whatever steps I have to to resolve these doubts.

[Emmen]

Hello Tilly20,

Welcome to the forums!

You mentioned fearing that you'll have doubts at key moments and that these thoughts arose after a short break. I wonder if you are able to reason out if these doubts have a basis in fact. The thing is sometimes when we get anxious, we unconsciously blow small issues up into big issues that keep cycling through our minds. Because of that, it's important to get our thoughts in order with regards to whether the doubts are really factual, or largely 'bad feelings' arising from anxiety.

This relationship is very important to you and naturally, you want it to be perfect. However, having small doubts in a relationship is perfectly normal, especially when you're still learning things about your partner. A lot of small issues can be resolved over time and/or with some compromise, even if they may seem overwhelming now.

Your partner's suggestion to write things down is actually a really good one. I'd suggest expanding what you write to include more reflections on why you feel that way and what can be done to resolve it. I hope doing this gives you some comfort knowing that the situation is manageable rather than overwhelming.

It sounds like you have been open with your partner about your thoughts, which is amazing. I'm so happy to know she has been supporting you through this. I wish you all the best 🙂

Warmly,
M

[Blake_S]

Hi Tilly20,

Thank you for replying too, I know it's not an easy step to take, and it's great that you decided to take! I hope you will find the support and guidance you need on these forums to help you save your relationship.

I am too guilty for not dealing with my anxiety, at first, it seems like the easy thing to do, to try and ignore it. But as you know, ignoring anxiety often results in it flooding in all at once, and then we are often left overwhelmed with emotions. You're not alone in your experience with anxiety, but as I mentioned before, anxiety can be managed! It's also great to hear how incredible your partner is, but I am sorry that writing down your thoughts only provides you with temporary relief.

I am so glad to hear that you are willing to take whatever steps necessary to resolve your doubts, this means you are motivated!! It is often underestimated how central motivation is reducing distress. In terms of resolving your doubts and lessening your anxiety you do have options and I can point you in the right direction towards them.

The first is seeking help from a mental health professional, such as a psychologist to support you, give you tools to manage your anxiety and work through your doubts. The other includes guided-self help strategies that will provide you with e-tools and resources to support you, but these are done solo. Do any of these options appeal to you? Let me know, and I can provide you with information on how to access them. With either option, I encourage you to use the forums as extra support.

Hope to hear back soon.
Blake_S :)