Anxiety over my Self Worth

[Beachie]

Hi,   I am suffering anxiety constantly about myself.  Feelings of being a worthless person, self talk about how bad I am and because of this cutting myself off from enjoyable things in life.  I'm a single person, working 2 jobs & feeling like life is passing me by.  I love to help my friends with their issues & try to help them feel at ease because I don't want them to go through what I am.    Other people come first & because of my thinking, never do anything for myself.    I avoid lunches, dinners & IF I am out with friends, I absolutely will not have any photos taken with me in them because of the way I feel about myself.  I avoid going out with my friends who are married or coupled up because I don't want them to have to be with me because I am single and I am completely honest with them as to that reason.  Does anyone else have an issue like this as I would love to talk about it.  

[Vegetarian Marshmallow]

What do you mean, "I don't want them to have to be with me because I am single"?  Do single people give off toxic fumes?

What qualities make someone a worthful person?  In what ways could you be seen to already exhibit these (be generous)?  What could you do to improve the degree to which you meet that ideal?

What are the things that are passing you by?

I think people sometimes focus on other people above themselves as a way to avoid dealing with their own problems - it's easier to think about someone else's problems, because they don't affect you directly and you can't affect them directly (so there's no responsibility about choices to make).  As a side-note, that can sometimes be a good way to give yourself advice - pretend you're talking to someone else who has your problem, and imagine what you would tell them.

You should come before other people, because you're the only one who can really take care of your wellbeing, and without your own wellbeing you can't really help with anyone else's.

[Neil_1]

Hi there Beachie

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for coming here and providing your post.

Now Vegetarian Marshmallow has provided you with a very good response, and if I may, I’d like to try to extend on that just a little.

Now you’re saying you have worthless feelings about yourself, and bad self talk as well.

However in the very next sentence I’m reading that you’re currently working two jobs and that you love to help your friends with their own issues and to help make them feel at ease.

So top right here Beachie – just look at this for a while.  Firstly, working two jobs – I find working just one demanding and taxing enough for me, but here you are doing two jobs – bloody good on you and not only are you chalking up two pay packets, but also within this, having two jobs, means that you’ve got two different lots of people, different colleagues that you know.  That you can mix and share with and whether you do that or not, is neither here nor there, but you have the opportunity – therefore an opportunity to meet other people, etc etc.

Stemming from that, now I’m not sure if you’re concerned about being single, though you did mention it, but my thought on this, is you sound like one hell of an awesome person with your helping out of others, etc and so being that kind of person, friendship’s I would have thought would be easy for you to make and maintain.  Despite your low self talk.

What I’m trying to say here (in a very roundabout fashion) is that you ARE NOT worthless and your self talk SHOULD BE good – because of who you’ve described to us – the person who you are.  You’re a helper, you’re kind and caring and someone with a very personable nature, as is clearly demonstrated by the fact that you are invited out to places with friends – married’s, couples, and singles alike.

It’s all bloody good stuff as far as I can see.

Just my thoughts – would love to hear back from you though.  🙂

Neil

[Beachie]

Hi Neil,  thank you for your reply.  Very kind words.   Im not concerned about being single as I'm quite ok being on my own, people say to me, What is wrong with you that you don't have a man". " what's wrong with you that you have never been married or had kids".  I've had 4 long term relationships, however none of these partners were ever faithful & even said to me that I wasn't good enough or young enough so they needed " some young skin".  After a while I did look at myself wondering what is wrong with me as I did give my everything to all of them & don't regret that because I am a giving person.    My Mum was an alcoholic & she always belittled me from the age of 7 & the words she spoke to me have always been a burden on my shoulders.   If I look back at her behaviour, I realise that she must have been a very bitter, unhappy person with a lot of emotional issues to treat her child like that.  That to me is a sad thing for her to go through.   Maybe I should just sit down & really take a good look at myself & actually be positive.  Again thank you for opening up my eyes.  

[Vegetarian Marshmallow]

people say to me, What is wrong with you that you don't have a man". " what's wrong with you that you have never been married or had kids"

People say a lot of things, and those things are based on the value systems of those people.  At a party, the person who likes cars will be the person asking you about your car.  The person who likes food will be the person asking you where you like to go for dinner.  The person who considers their relationship a large part of their identity will be the person asking you about why you're not in a relationship.

When you develop a greater sense of self-worth, based upon things that YOU think are important (rather than basing your self-worth on whatever random values people throw at you - colour of car, size of vegemite jar collection, number of cats, being married, whatever), those questions won't bother you so much because you'll just casually, confidently answer them like swatting away a fly.

I assume you've taken some creative licence in quoting these people ("What's wrong with you?", "I need some young skin"), altering them based on how they made you feel rather than strictly what they said/meant.  Because if these are literal non-sarcastic quotes.. you might consider searching for new friends.