Anxiety over having kids

[anony1357]

Does anyone have experience with or advice for someone who is highly anxious about starting a family? I have always wanted this and planned for it but the last few weeks I have freaked out and nothing is calming me down. I have gone on meds and have a psych but I feel like I need reassurance that anxious people have gone through this and still had a family and been ok.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi anony,

I hope it’s okay if I extend a caring welcome to you to the forums. Good on you for posting...

You sound very anxious, worried and scared. Admittedly, I have no personal experience in this area but I still wanted to try to acknowledge your post, and offer my thoughts. I hope that’s okay with you...

I was thinking maybe you might like to see if there are any local family planning services near you that might be able to offer some support. Also, if you haven’t already, I was wondering if you have spoken to your GP about your plans to have children. I feel it would be helpful if you also tell your GP about your worries and fears and ask if s/he can refer you to a counsellor/psychologist. Just some gentle suggestions...

I hope you’re finding your way around the forums okay. Sometimes it can be very helpful to let out our feelings in posts, vent, connect, etc so please feel free to write as often as you like. I hope we hear from you again if you feel comfortable to chat.

Kind and caring thoughts,

Pepper

[Alexlisa]

Hello anony.

It's great that you were able to reach out here and I can hear how anxious you are. Firstly I just want to say that your anxiety is understandable, because starting a family IS a very big deal. And I think if you have any history of mental health issues it can be quite a trigger. Even without mental health issues, I think many people worry if they will be good parents. I know in my case I asked myself a lot "will I be able to handle this".

I tried IVF for several years, unsuccessfully, but I remember the doubts and anxiety that plagued me. One of the things that helped me quite a lot was to think about other people in my life (for me it was my family, particularly my mum) who have had their own mental health issues and find encouragement in knowing that they were able to have children. My mum is just about the most anxious person you'll ever meet (she has panic attacks, only goes to familiar places, social anxiety, etc) but she successfully raised four children despite this. I know that at times it was extremely hard, given the anxiety.

For me, I've decided that, given my own mental health issues, raising children would be too big a challenge for me. It was very sad to accept this (something I'm still working on), but I know that (at least at this point in time), it's the right decision for me. And that's another thing - maybe it's just not the right time for you. If you've just started meds you may want to give them a chance to stabilise you and build up your strength before you start your family. Maybe you could use the time to learn some anxiety management skills from a psychologist, who can also help you to understand where your anxiety about starting a family is coming from.

I hope this helps a little. I understand your feelings and want you to know that you're not alone with them. There are lots of helpful people here on the forums, hopefully someone who has their own parenting 'success story' will be able to help ease your anxiety a little.

Take care,

Alexlisa x

[anony1357]

Thank you, I have spoken to my doctor and psychologist and think I have a way to go in treating my anxiety before I feel ready. It’s just hit me how big a decision it is but the thought of never having children and potentially losing my partner over it is debilitating. I am going to keep going and just hope that the meds help me to think more logically soon

[kned]

Hi anony1357.

I have experienced social anxiety, and some general anxiety throughout my whole life. I have never had medication though.

Having kids is a huge life decision! For me, it was an easy decision because I knew I wanted a family and my husband was on the same page as me. Having said that, i was so so so very anxious when we started trying for our first. We are currently trying for our third and I am still anxious about it.

I agree with the above in speaking to your Dr and psychologist about treating your anxiety now. I know it may not happen for everyone, but I did find my anxiety increased while pregnant. I saw a psychologist for a period of time and she said hormones can trigger off anxiety.

I was worried about PND however fortunately after the birth was the most relaxed I have ever felt!

Having children has really made me challenge my anxiety. I have had to push myself to get out for my children. I didnt end up joining a mothers group due to the anxiety, but I did find other ways to get out with my kids and challenge my anxiety.

When my anxiety is bad, I have terrible thoughts of losing my husband or my children....it is hard but the good times certainly outweigh the bad.

I dont know if this is helpful, but I personally think its important you seek professional help before, during and after pregnancy so you have the support you need. All the best x

[anony1357]

Thank you so much this is really reassuring 🙂

[Winterz]

I guess it depends on the person. For me, despite having had certain anxieties about raising a child, when I did become a parent I found that becoming a Mother empowered me. It's amazing what strength and lengths you will go to protect the safety and well being of your child.

All the best ♡

[StillKicking]

Hi, I'm so glad this is something you're putting so much consideration into. Going into parenthood is a huge commitment and you need to be totally sure before you go there. I'm one of the few who will admit it was the wrong choice for me. I'm not cut out for this and it's been a struggle. I love my kids but I'm a terrible mother and they deserve so much better. Having two kids with disabilities was more than I could cope with and resulted in a complete breakdown after I put in so much effort in their early years at a huge expense to my own mental health. You really need to make sure your foundations are completely stable before you can build that family. And it's OK to change your mind about having kids.

You need to do what's right for you and any prospective children and it's a huge responsibility to undertake. It's obvious that you care a lot by the fact that it's giving you anxiety. Think about where your fears lie and whether they are genuine issues, whether you're overthinking things or whether your anxiety will be exacerbated by chronic lack of sleep and constant demands for attention. I really wish that I'd had more realistic expectations of what was involved rather than everyone telling me that parenthood is rewarding and making me feel like I'm missing out or a failure if I admit that I struggle with it. The best thing you can do for your kids is be totally prepared. Some nerves are to be expected because it is such a massive commitment, but if it's more than that see if you can analyse where the fear is coming from and sort that out first. I really wish you the very best.

[Kneady]

Hi all,

I am so glad to have found this post as this topic is something i have been worrying about recently. A bit of background first i guess; in hindsight i have always had anxiety (mum says i was always a nervous kid) but i only became fully aware of it and acknowledged it about 3 years ago when my husband and i decided to sell our house and all our possessions, quit our jobs and backpack around Europe for as long as we could within a 2 year visa. Yes it was a dream come true but the insecurity of being 'home-less' and travelling to unfamiliar places turned me into an unrecognisable version of my happy self.

Fast forward to now i have dedicated a lot of time and effort into educating myself about GAD and MY anxiety. I have learnt several coping mechanisms, breathing techniques, joined support groups and social media pages, changed my diet by eating clean and eliminating caffeine and sugar. I don't drink or do drugs and overall had been doing pretty well, coping on my own. But these last few weeks have been a nightmare for me. No sleep, no appetite, weight loss, agoraphobia, panic attacks, depression and i just can't get out of the fog.

So after carrying my own for 3yrs i when to the GP for the first time who made a mental health plan for me after i scored 'high' on the k10 test. Will be seeing a psych soon but has also prescribed an SSRI which I'm hesitant to take bcos I've read that if you are weaned off, something like 60% relapse. My worrying is due to the fact that i want to start trying for a family in 12 months time and i don't want to be taking it during pregnancy even if it says its safe and am terrified i won't be able to cope.

And when your having those horrible days, how do you even leave the house? or deal with the tantrums when your trying to manage your own?

Apologies for the rant, kinda went off topic there...

thanks for reading

Kneady

(likes to make bread and is clingy when anxious)

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Kneady,

Good on you for writing here. I’m glad you’re here and that you found the forums...you are most welcome. No apology needed, you’re most welcome here as I said 🙂

I’m glad some of the posts here have resonated with you. Sometimes I feel it helps to hear from others to help us feel less alone in our struggles...

Your anxiety sounds like it was very debilitating and exhausting at one point but I commend you for all the hard work and steps you have taken to help improve your mental health. It’s very admirable...

You sound like you have a lot going on so I was thinking would you like to maybe create your own thread as well so we can get to know you better? Please don’t get me wrong, of course you’re most welcome to continue writing on this thread too (plus on any other thread as well) but if you had your own thread as well, maybe we can get to know you a little better...

You could have your own thread and also continue to write on this thread too, for example 🙂 If you do start your own thread, let us know and I’ll look it up...

Anyway, it’s just a suggestion so it’s up to you but I thought that I would throw the idea out there. Either way, I look forward to hearing from you again 🙂

Warm and caring thoughts,

Pepper