Thanks for responding Hanna3 and Petal22. It helps a bit just being heard.
I haven't been able to listen to music or watch tv in weeks, as in both cases I can't help but think about my wife and my situation. Nearly everything around me is a trigger, most regrettably my beautiful cat. I'm still giving him affection, but I think even he knows it is forced. I've been working on mindfulness techniques, but it's difficult when I'm in full panic mode and can't control my thoughts or even identify them.
I've been under treatment for "double depression", anxiety, and ADHD for a long time. I have been on every class of medication there is and nothing has worked, so my psychiatrist is recommending ECT. Unfortunately it is apparently impossible to get this done on the public health system and I do not have private health insurance (and can't afford it right now, under the circumstances), so I have applied for alternative procedures (Direct Brain Stimulation and TMS).
My wife is currently on medication and seeing a therapist, but her symptoms have grown noticeably worse since she started the medication. Her initial problem was that she was feeling numb/empty, but her medication has amplified this significantly, so now she is in the process of weening herself off of it. I'm hoping that this, plus her getting out of the job she hated and lockdown ending, will help her feel better, but who knows. This has been going on for so long now, like a nightmare that just won't end.
Thanks again for listening. This is such an amazingly supportive community. I only wish I had more to give back to all of you, but I will certainly do my best to share the love. This is so, so important, particularly as society seems to be growing more fragmented. We need to be doing the opposite, as people are doing in these forums. I think everyone who contributes here should feel proud of themselves for being someone who cares and proves it. Thank you for existing, all of you! (wow...actually crying writing this, but in a good way haha)
