Anxiety or Relationship Problems

[Guest_32295891]

So I have been with my partner for over a year and we have been living together for pretty well the whole time. We brought a house late last year and moved in. We both have a kid from previous relationships. We have my child (3) full time and his kid every other weekend. We got a dog and from all accounts if anyone looked from the outside it’s a perfect life. I was so happy when I met him he made me feel so calm and relaxed and everything was jsut easy. It was my first healthy relationship and it was an adjustment. We have great communication and agree on a lot of the important life values and goals. When we were together for about 5 months or so I started to get anxious around him at certain times of the month. Like I wouldn’t want him kissing me or cuddling me as it made me feel sick. It didn’t last more than a few days at most then I was all good and it went back to normal. Fast forward I have had this every month almsot since then. A couple months ago I had an anxiety attack where it was extreme. It always makes me freak out around him and not be able to relax around him, and I am unable to give him any affection or intimacy of any kind when I feel like this. I ended up going to the doctors and got put on antidepressants and anti anxiety medication which sadly doesn’t seem to have helped if anything my anxiety is worse. It’s getting to the point where my partner isn’t even sure if I want to be with him because of the lack of intimacy I give him. I have been diagnosed with sever anxiety and depression but I am so scared I will destroy my relationship with him because of how I feel in these moments. When I am in these anxiety phases I wonder if maybe it’s my brain telling me I don’t want to be with him. But when I’m not anxious I am happy and love the life we are building together. Is this something others have experienced and what are some tips/tricks to get me through the bad patches or any suggestions of how to stop me imploding my relationship.

[Ranga-1]

Could you see your GP for a mental health care plan for counselling services? This might be of assistance. Anxiety is truly an awful thing. I'm not sure if I can help much more regarding the relationship fears, but hopefully others on this site will. Keep us up to date. 

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you, especially at such a challenging time in your life.

Sounds like you need a detective of sorts, the right person who's able to detect exactly what it is you're trying so hard to manage. Whether that detective is a counselor or psychologist, an endocrinologist or neurologist or someone else, this is something a good gp will be able to suss out. Whether the meds are the right meds but there's far more going on than simply balancing out chemistry or whether they're the wrong meds, where the chemistry in them does your internal chemistry no favours, is also something worth wondering about. I wish there was something I could say that could easily alleviate the challenges you face or fast track you to answers. The slow track of gradual investigation or detective work can definitely feel disheartening at times. Can be so frustrating.

It's taken me 22 years of marriage to work out what triggers me in positive ways and negative ways in my relationship with my husband. I still continue to be surprised by some of the subconscious stuff that suddenly surfaces. It's the kind of stuff that can take me from feeling all happy and connected to him to being completely distant. It was only last year that I figured out 'My sudden shifts don't happen for no good reason. There are always reasons/triggers of some nature'. Before realising this, I used to believe I was kinda 'broken', 'difficult' or 'dysfunctional' in some way. I offer one reason, in the way of example...

While my husband has often proclaimed 'I love you' and has always cared enough to ask me 'Are you ok?', when I appear to be down, it was just last year when I suddenly woke up to a stunning revelation/trigger, while being left to think 'How the heck did I miss that all these years?!'. It had always gone the same way. First, he'd ask me 'Are you okay?, then he'd hug me and say 'It upsets me so much when you're upset. It upsets me because I love you so much and I hate to see you like this' and then he'd walk away. He'd walk away because he'd be so upset about how down I was. The revelation was 'He's always left me alone to feel down or stressed, while I'd try and work things out for myself'. My 21yo daughter and 18yo son on the other hand are completely different from their father. They're natural born detectives who love a good mystery. They love to help me work out what it is that's bringing me down or stressing me out. They will always raise me to greater levels of consciousness, not leave me alone to work out what I'm not conscious of yet. I feel a stronger bond to those who raise me and I feel a disconnect from those who don't. Like my kids, I'm an active raiser.

Sometimes the dynamics of a relationship aren't always obvious, just like the way we tick isn't always obvious at times. There are always reasons for why we come to tick the way we do in one way or another. We're not 'broken', we're simply not conscious of the reasons yet (whether they be psychological, biological/chemical or soulful reasons or a combo). ❤️

[Guest_17661087]

Hi, 

Congratulations on the new house with your partner, that is such an amazing achievement. I am so sorry to hear what you’re going through in your relationship. 
I have actually jumped on here myself because of the same reason. I am feeling so unsure of myself and anxious within my relationship to the point where my partner is questioning whether I still love him (after 4 years) and myself questioning him loving me. It’s hard because when we are feeling great, our relationship is amazing and everything just seems so sure and it’s a constant spiral. I wanted to let you know you are not alone. I wish I had some answers for you.. I am in need of some myself.