Anxiety of a possible failed relationship

[Amanda 1956]

Hi my name is Carmen and I am scared of ageing as I am 67 and getting lined and wrinkled 

My worry is that my partner is going to find someone who looks like a supermodel 

I do have grounds for this ...a few years ago he was having an affair with a girl who worked with him , 3 hour long phone calls every night,  him getting angry at me for daring to ask questions about his work 

The list goes on,  evidence of an affair was virtually slapping me in the face 

• They don't have contact now and I think that he is blaming me for putting my foot down,  was either her or me 
• This has increased my anxiety and I'm worried I am losing him 
• Please advise me on what to do 
• Thanks in advance 

[CountingCrows1]

I am so sorry that you have been through this awful experience, you deserve to feel secure and desired and respected. Some people might say to leave him, but you mentioned you don't want to lose him...  I can understand, and maybe you are afraid because it is happening later in life and you thought he might have settled down by now.

It is not fair for you because most people assume that the partner stops this type of tricks by this age, but it still happens sometimes and I think it is difficult to predict when it might occur. Please don't allow his poor behaviour to make you feel bad about your appearance. I know it is easier said than done. But even if you were the supermodel, he is likely to stray anyway no matter what you look like. Now is the time to be kind to yourself and to not worry so much about your looks. Us women spend a lifetime feeling insecure about it and you did not deserve to feel insecure in your youth, and you certainly do not deserve to feel insecure about it now. You are you and I am sure that you are really lovely just the way that you are. If he doesn't appreciate it, that's on him. That's a him problem.

You get heartache, but he is upset that his fun gets ruined? Do not allow him to make you feel guilty for the pain that he has caused himself and you. He is lucky that you are still with him because the way he is acting, he doesn't deserve your acceptance. I understand that you are afraid to lose him, but don't feel bad for standing up for your own self respect and the way that he should be respecting you.

It would be good to have some extra support at the moment. Do you have some good friends to confide in? Could you speak with a counsellor for a few sessions? In my experiences, I have really liked speaking on the phone with the Sane Australia hotline. they are free and most of them are qualified psychologists allowed to give advice. They speak for a decent amount of time also. You could ask them about their on-going counselling sessions they have. It is free and they can have weekly/fortnightly/monthly sessions with you as extra support. I found it to be beneficial. ARCVIC in Victoria hotline is also really great but their team is sometimes less qualified, although super caring. I just think it would be good to get to the bottom of the anxiety about losing him, soundboard the possibilities and how you would/should/could feel about each possible scenario if it happened. It might diffuse some of the anxiety. They can also advise you on some steps you could take if you are leaning towards speaking with him about it, or if you ended up thinking it is best to leave. You definitely need to have an honest, mature and logical conversation with him, when the timing feels right and you feel a little more stable about what might be happening. So maybe get the support first and speak with someone about it, then make a plan for what to do next. I would do it individually. You could maybe try couples therapy later at least a few sessions with him there also. But right now, you need to have your experiences heard fully on your own to give you clarity and strength.

At the moment, put yourself first. It might be good to diffuse some of the stress and just look after you for a while, the answers about what to do with the marriage or what to do next, they will come. Do what you need to in order to feel a little better the next few days or weeks if possible. Go out for walks, sit at the park with a cup of tea, call a friend and vent (or if it feels better not to vent, you can try to ask them to talk about their life to help you focus on them). reach out and do the self care things and try not to let the situation consume you. You don't have to have all of the answers right now. You and him have a lot of history most likely, so he will hear what you have to say whether it is now or in a few weeks time. Take good care of yourself now.

[Overthinking_m3]

Being gaslighted by making you feel guilty about his conversations with another lady, is not cool at all. I’m 42, my gf is 50, and I have never been in love prior to meeting her. I could no more even look sideways at another woman the way I look at her, without cutting my own arms off. 
You do not need to be anxious about your looks, we all age the same. If your husband is not being faithful, at least in your eyes, you should pull him on about it. There is nothing to be gained from bottling any of this up as any kind of ammunition. Be forward, be direct, and tell him how he has made you feel

[therising]

Hi Carmen

My heart goes out to you as you feel your husband's words, misdeeds and lack of trying to put the spark back into your relationship, leading you to feel more reassured. Being a 53yo gal with mainly grey hair (when I'm not dying it bright red, pink or purple) and some really obvious lines and wrinkles happening, one thing I've taken to doing is pulling faces in the mirror so as to see where each line may have come from. I have the stress related ones that came from all the times I worried about and cared for people. I have the laugh lines put on there by every person who made me laugh and smile. I have the squint lines that remind me of all the times I should have worn sunglasses (shame on me). I have the ones I swear I got from all the wondering I've done over the years, whether that be wondering about why I've felt depressed at times or anxious through to wondering about even the simplest and most beautiful of things in life, like nature or how I could possibly love my kids so much. I have earned every line that tells a story. Besides wearing sunglasses most of his life, the lack of lines on my husband's face reflect a lot of what he hasn't done.

So, here we are Carmen, our beautiful selves who have wondered, stressed, smiled and laughed on occasion, worried about others we've loved and so on. What do we deserve for all that? We deserve some serious pampering in my opinion, not someone who's going to go off and find a better model. We deserve someone who's going to say 'You are seriously amazing, you are so beautiful. Let me pamper you!'. Let me give you a facial, a hair brushing, a foot massage'. And when it comes to the tough times, the times in a marriage where the relationship is really tested, easy to go off and find someone who floats your boat. Far more challenging to bring sparks back into a marriage. Easy to complain how it's not fair that he couldn't play with some shiny new thing. Far more challenging to bring shine to a relationship that needs some polishing.

You are perfectly you. You are not perfectly anyone else. You are your beautiful self. ❤️