Anxiety is ruining my life

[Oneforever]

Hi everyone
So i have been with my partner for a year and a few months and it wss the best year of my life. He is just th ebest person in the world he is my family and my love and he helped through lots of things like when my famy abondened me and i was almost a honeles person but he believe in me and i got a job and studied at uni and living the best life until recently i got a major anxiety and depression just feeling like nothing has meaning and not have no feelings for anything and started feeling that im emoyionally unacailable with him and that scared me a lot i experiences panic attack and went hospital twice because i keep thinking that i lost him or lost my life and i love him so much but my anxiety keep giving me bad thoughts.
I suffered anxiety a while ago because of my family i had a bad childhood and i committed suicide when i was a kid because of my parents but i worked hard to live the life im leaving right now but my anxiety its not letting me and i told him about how i feel and hes being so supportive and understanding and he said to me we will neve lose each other.
I manager now to not have a panic attack but sometimes i get anxiety when im with him and feel like i wanna run away and hide and i cant look at his eyes and i just remember myself when i was very anxious before i manager to handle it.
I love him so much and i dont wanna lose him but anxiety is killing me. Im not gonna give up but please guys any advice on how to manage it? And should i go on medication? My doctor recommended me antidepressant what should i do?
I dont wanna lose my life bwcaus eor anxiety and my past

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Oneforever,

Your anxiety and depression sounds very debilitating lately. It’s clearly taking its toll on you. You sound as though you’re feeling rattled, nervous and worried.

I’m glad you have your lovely partner though. He sounds like a truly loving, supportive and understanding person. I think it’s special and beautiful to have someone who will stay by your side through all the ups and downs. I’m so happy that you found each other, and I know he clearly means the world to you.

Also, well done on turning your life around 🙂 As much as your lovely partner has helped you and been incredible, I would also like to give you some credit. You’ve come so far, and achieved so many wonderful things, despite your rough childhood, homelessness and being abandoned by family.

I think it was very brave of you to see your doctor for help. I know he recommended meds (as you said). Ultimately, I believe the decision regarding meds rests with you...

But I wonder if maybe it might help to discuss your concerns with your doctor. For example, perhaps you could consider writing a list of pros and cons (and any general concerns or questions) regarding those meds, and bring that list to your next doctor’s appointment.

The reason that I’m gently suggesting that is it can hopefully help prompt a detailed discussion with your doctor. So you can then hopefully make the most informed choice possible, which suits your current needs and situation.

Good on you for reaching out here. Feel free to let us know how things go or write in any time you want to chat, ask questions or vent. There’s no pressure to post of course, but just know this is a safe space to share.

Kindness and care,

Pepper

[Oneforever]

Thank you so much for your reply.
Im in Bali at the moment with my partner and having the best days of my life but anxiety and depression wont leave me alone. It hits me mostly when im enjoying the moment or feeling good. I dont understand what is it or why im feeling like this. Im always tired no energy and always daydreaming of the past and negative. I only see the bad things my partner does and they usually nothing but my head stick with them i always negative and making up scenarioes about breaking up and feeling miserable. Sometimes when im conscious im feeling myself again just loving life and loving him and looking forward for everything. But sometimes or most of the time i wake up in the morning with my heart racing and the first thing that comes in my head is list of questions like oh what am i doing here ah i hate this do i love my partner or not and very very irritable. My anxiety convince me that i have falled out of love and i dont feel the same and it sounds so real. But then there are days when im feeling partially good and i love being with him and W eplan for the future. I noticed that when im feeling good about him i also feel good about myself i dont look down on me and i have confidence. But when im sad and anxious i look down on me and always think im not worthy of love or love is too much for me and be angry when he treats me good i ask him to yell at me and be bad to me and see myself in a negative way.
Can anyone explain to me whats happening to me? Have i fallen out of love or is that lack of confidence and depression/anxiety?
I have experiences anxiety before and lack of confidence was an issue but i got over it when i worked on myself and moved out of my parents and met my partner who he makes me feel great about myself all the time.
But this time its very different because i cant enjoy time with him or anything i do in life and then question why and the why goes to maybe its him but i kkow deep down its not him its me but i feel so guilty that im doing this to him.
He doesnt complain and hes been a great help to me always listens to me even i tell him about these thoughts and hes very supportive.
I wish i can be myself again and just love life without looking down on me or him and comparing myself to others.
I wa slike this with him but a month ago that changed and thats i think because my parents tried to reach me out and i was for giving with them and they tried to bring me down and control me again and i feel like i got confused and felt like i was the same person in the past.
Now i stopped talking to them again and it feels better i feel sometimes im in control of my life and im not the same person i wss with them
I was very anxious depressed person they treated me very bad they used to hit me all the time talk down on me and making fun of me and thats not just me to my other sibilibgs as well but i was the only person who wanted to change aand i changed and moved away from them and now they confused my life. Could that be because of them and the past im feeling like this? Because thats how i used to feel about life very negative and bad.
I really dont want to ruin my life and wanna be happy again and enjoy the moment.
Anyone been in my situation before? Also do you guys think medication can help?

[Doolhof]

Hi Oneforever,

There are many ways we can help ourselves to deal with our negative thoughts. They may always be there, flaring up panic attacks and anxiety. We can work on changing our thoughts and emotions and accept what we are experiencing. It takes a bit of work.

While in Bali, you can try to find as many positive things about your time there as possible. Write them down, or take photos of places, times, events , moments that make you feel positive.

Being mindful of those negative thoughts make you realise how quickly they enter your mind. Accept them. Tell yourself everyone feels like this now and then. Try and find something good to hold on to.

Would you consider talking to a psychologist or a counsellor when you return home? They should be able to help you understand your thoughts more and how to move forward.

You are very aware of what you don't like. Hopefully you can learn to concentrate more on the positive, the good and let go of the hurt from the past.

All the best from Dools