Anxiety is eating me up when dating!

[Titanium730]

I've always lived with anxiety, so I never realized how badly it was affecting me until this last year or two. I have dated plenty and have had some short term relationships and one long term relationship.  I notice that when I start talking to someone of interest, I am cool, calm and collected. However, once I become interested after say a  date or so, I almost get sucked into quick sand where I am in constant panic of "when will I see him again?!" " Why hasn't he texted me yet, he texted me always at this time!"  I feel a constant need to know when I'm going to see him next and know what he's thinking. I think that this mindset has set me up to fail because I feel as though it's all or nothing because I don't want to be hurt. I start learning their pattern of communication and once that strays even a little, I panic and it affects my daily life. If they don't ask to hangout soon or talk about it, I panic. It's a vicious cycle that I do NOT know how to break. I internalize everything, so no guy has ever heard me say those things, but has anyone else ever experienced anything like this, and if so, have you found any strategies to just "let it be" and not feel like you have to know when every text, call, date is going to happen?

[PatT]

Hi Titanium,

Yeah I'd say that's pretty common across the dating spectrum regardless of gender. I started dating a girl in April this year but in the months leading up to it I was constantly freaking out about "when will she message me?", "when am I seeing her next - oh that's much too far away", "why is she taking so long to respond?". 

I think it's pretty common for anxious people to end up in this mindframe that's almost like a constant buzzing of panic in your gut. When we started dating I told her about this and found out that she had been feeling the same. At the end of the day I think it comes down to a process of trusting yourself and trying to rationalise the situation and not let it get out of hand.

Ask yourself things like "what reason have I got to think they're disinterested?"

"What would my life be like if I were to never see them again? Would I have a complete meltdown? "

"Why do I feel like I have to know everything?"

Try some positive self talk and try to understand that it's their world, not yours, so there's little point in trying to control it. There's no way you're ever going to know everything about their whereabouts, thoughts etc. unless you hire a private investigator to follow them around (not recommended). Also, when you feel your anxiety piquing, try things like exercise, meditation or socialising with other people. Whatever you can do to take your mind off the situation.

Hope this helps some,

Pat.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Titanium730,

Thanks for posting in BB 🙂

I agree. You are definately not alone in thinking like this.  I believe that breaking this cycle is not easy but it's definately worth it because it's not helping you and it's not helping your relationship.

One of the things that helped me was to notice what I was thinking and if it was helpful.  So when I texted a guy and he took forever to reply, I automatically assumed that he wasn't interested or that he was doing something more interesting or talking to someone 'cooler' than I was.  

Your thoughts of "why hasn't he texted me back yet" are only powerful because you give them power.  So try and drain that power - he might have not texted you back yet because his phone might be flat, or he might be busy, or it might be charging, or he might be working.  There are so many possibilities and options there.  You just have to try and open your eyes to them.

Hope this helps 🙂 

[joeljoel]

Totally agree, couldn't have said it better myself. Sometimes you will be surprised that people have the same feelings as you when you open up to them.