Anxiety has changed me

[Tiny_fish]

Hi,

I'm new to this all but it already feels good to be able to write this all down and see that I might not be alone.

Anxiety has decreased my personality. I find that I don't talk as much is some social situations but worse is that is has made me think I'm not a good person.

I struggle with anxiety on and off and off and when it's at it's peak it turns my thoughts negative especially towards people who might have done something to upset me. I focus on the thing they have done towards me and I start to dislike them. Then once the episode is over I feel extreme guilt and like I'm not a very nice person for thinking mean thoughts about them.

Anxiety also affects the way I sleep. I can lay in bed and my mind is just racing I know it's so unhealthy and I really wish I could live my life in a more positive and happy nature.

I really want to find find a way to manage my anxiety and to feel when I'm happy and nice to people that's the real me and not an act.

I no no longer want to feel unsure as to whether the nice happy me is the real me or the person I can be when having an anxiety episode.

Can anyone relate? It can feel very lonely suffering from a mental illness

[MsPurple]

Hi Tiny Fish and welcome to the forums

I myself have been diagnosed with general anxiety disorder (I'll call it GAD for short). When I was first diagnosed with GAD I was at my worst. I would wake up several times at night, I would have racing thoughts before sleep, had intrusive thoughts, felt an overwhelming feeling on dread, dry mouth, felt heavy like I could fall over my own weight, jumpy and I started having more anxiety attacks. It was terrible so I know how it feels. I also know what it's like to have intrusive thoughts about others and the guilt associated with it.

What I found helped was talking to someone about it. I was 22 when I was officially diagnosed, but when they took my history and I looked back at my past we believe I have had anxiety since I was a child. I went to headspace and I finally opened up about my anxiety. I was so scared to do this as I thought people would either think 'I was either making it up or not bad enough' or I would think the other extreme that I was 'crazy'. But I got so unwell I couldn't do it alone anymore. I wish I went to either headspace or to my gp about it sooner. I felt more normal knowing what was happening and that it was normal for someone with GAD to be going through what I was. Have you seen a GP about this? If not I really suggest you do. I was refered to a psychologist/mental health nurse and it really helped me out. I still go from time to time.

One thing I have found that helps my racing mind at night is meditation. I use an app on my iphone called 'calm' but I have also read other forum users liking 'headspace' and 'smiling minds'. Maybe download these and give them a try. Now when my mental health nurse suggested this to me I didn't think it was for me. But he told me to be persistant and to try it for a week. Well I found it helped reducing my racing thoughts a lot before bed and I found I would also wake up less during the night. So I suggest giving it a go for a week and see if it helps.

I want to let you know you are not a bad person for having these thoughts. You can't always choose what thoughts pop into your head (like dreams they just come, you have no control over it). I would never choose the intrusive thoughts I had. When you have these thoughts about your friends say to yourself 'this is not you, these are intrusive thoughts. I am not a bad person. I have no control over these thoughts' This may help reduce your guilt over them

Hope this helps. trust me it gets easier over time

MP

[Tiny_fish]

Is so helpful to even have a name for these thoughts and know I'm not alone with them. I have tried medication before but I really don't like the medications and I've also been to a mental health worker however after two session of talk I felt frustrated at not given any coping mechanisms and found I couldn't drag myself back to keep talking about it all and leaving feeling worse.

I struggle with meditation. It makes me agitated but maybe I need to persist with it. Have you found a way to stop the intrusive thoughts? If I could chose one thing to go with out be that.

Thanks

[CMF]

Hi Tiny Fish and welcome,

i can relate. I understand that feeling of thinking you're a bad person. Of focusing on the negative things people do. Of not knowing which is the real you. I too am not keen on meds and struggle with meditation. I take fish oil, b complex and look into bits in b8-it is not in your b complex.have you tried exercise ie walking, going to the gym? Perhaps you need something more vigorous as opposed to meditation, I know I do.

i hope you find some relief Tiny Fish, perhaps try a different counsellor but I know what you mean about getting nothing out of it.

Wishing you the best

cmf

[MsPurple]

HI Tiny Fish

I found it with regular counseling, medication and being persistant (10 mins a day) meditation helped reduce my intrusive thoughts. No I am not intrusive thought free but they are not as horrible or as often as they used to be. I have also started to try think of a happy memory or thought after an intrusive thought. I usually think of something involving my dogs. It helps me not be a disturbed by the intrusive thought and it also reminds me of something good in my life. If thoughts alone aren't helping I youtube funny dog videos.

Unfortunately there is no pill that will stop the intrusive thoughts (well one that I know of without a zombie like side effect). We just have to try our best and celebrate the small victories and build on that. I have heard mindfulness is really good. There is a forum on it here, maybe search for it.

MP

[Tiny_fish]

I do cope better with exercise and I know I need to find time and the passion for it again. When I used to work out a lot my anxiety wasn't a huge part of my life.

I have ave downloaded the suggested apps to give them a try to see if it helps at all. I'm willing to give anything a go even just to feel like a good person again 🙂

[MsPurple]

Finding motivation and passion can be one of the hardest steps to take. But once you start it makes it a lot easier. You say you want to do some exercise. I have heard the freeletics and emily skye apps are good or even just going for a walk. Any movement is good. I find when I'm depressed or down exercise helps and whem I am anxious meditation and deep breathing helps

[something_missing]

hi tiny fish . u have done well by being on this site. dont ever think u r not a good person cause u are a good person. as for your mind racing when u go to bed ,yep know all about that. i have had it for many yrs and am only now starting to control it a bit better. i am meditating before bed plus i drink a glass of water with some cloudy apple cider vinger .also i have stopped watching tv or doing things right up until the last moment before bed.let the mind relax before bed. as for negitive thoughts about people ,yep am with you on that one ,but i am now catching myself doing it and ask myself why ,then think of happier times. i have had issues with social intercations as well but am working through them.i find if i talk to various people it seems to help.a little bit at a time may help.that happy nice person is the real YOU , that other person has no place in your life .i hope this helps a little bit.you have my best. ps love the name , keep smiling

[something_missing]

hi tiny fish . how have u been. have u been able to get some professonal help. what about meditating. how is your issue with neg thinking about other people going.hopfully u have been able to catch yourself and think of positive and happier times.remember that when you r thinking neg thoughts of other people it is draging u down and not affecting the people u have those thoughts about. i know that when i was fly in fly out jobs i used to lay back close my eyes and just repeat in my head sleep sleep over and over again ,and i am sure it used to help.if u do find your mind wandering just start again. any way just thought i would just drop aline and say hello. life is great ,keep smiling