Anxiety and Self Harm

[lookingforme]

I'm new to forums, even so, asking for help is new to me.  I called up beyondblue and it was recommended for me to share if I wanted to; get some perspective maybe.

I' ve been fighting some strong anxiety on my own and in the past I' ve self harmed, and now after years, I've done it again.  But I have also stopped again, but I'm struggling with keeping the urges under control.  I plan on seeing someone as soon as I can (definitely this coming week), but for now, maybe a few suggestions can help me survive the weekend.  

What really has upset me is that I told a friend and she wants to tell my family.  I don't feel ready to do that because I don't feel close with them and I feel as if it would make it worse for me (which again could be anxiety), but I would like to tell them on my own terms, not because someone is threatening to do it.  I've told her I want to stop, and I will stop, I just need support, but she doesn't trust me to because I've done it again.

Any thoughts?

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[Beltane]

Oh dear, its been 18 hours and no one has responded yet- i'm so sorry , sometimes it gets a bit quiet around here!

I really hope you have gotten in contact again with beyondBlue- i know you have run them already but dont forget you can ring them again if you are feeling overwhelmed, particularly if you start having feelings of self-harm or suicide. Please also know you can ring Lifelife as well as BeyondBlue. If you feel unsafe and you think you might hurt yourself, you can also call 000 or get someone to take you to emergency.

you sound like you're going through a really tough time! I know its really awful right now and i cant promise it will get better overnight but it definitely can and will get better in some time.

For some things in the meantime to keep you a bit calmer- try filling up your time with things you love. keep yourself busy. If you cant bera to go out with people, dont, but try to do nice things. Read a favourite book, go for a walk in the sun, blast your favourite music really loudly and sing along, do your favourite hobbies you feel comfortable doing. no these arent a cure but it might keep the edge of your suffering while the ball is rolling to get you some long term help.

Secondly, please make an appointment with your GP. Medicare will pay for this (bulk bill) as long as you have a Medicare card (or you;re on you parents medicare card). They can give you a Mental Health Care Plan which entitles you to 10 free /cheap visits to a psychologist. I know the thought of talking to a therapist sounds reallly scary to some people- but i think you'll be pleasantly surprised. I really enjoy seeing my therapist, it find it helpful to get it all of my chest, and usually go home feeling relieved and with some strategies to cope better. As th sessions go on, you'll notice your anxiety vastly improving.

Also discuss medication with your doctor. This is suitable for some people- your doctor will know. That sounds scary too but often anxiety can be a chemical imbalance in the brain which medication helps to fix. My medication really helps me- medication helps a lot of people. Not everyone, but a lot.

I understand not wanting your family to know. Some families arent very good at coping with it, or arent supportive. Is there at least one family member you can confide in? its a lonely road to travel alone and even having one person can help!

Ive been where you are- anxious, depressed, suicidal- and I got better! I'm doing really well now!

[lookingforme]

Thanks for replying, you don't have to apologise for the silence.

 I have been talking to my GP about my anxiety issues, but it took me a while to get the courage to do so, and now I've moved states. I'll be moving back again soon enough. 

It's been feeling like this a lot, where the timing in my life is off, where events, time and my interactions with both don't coalesce smoothly.  Anyway, I'm pretty much alone where I am.

I do have a person I can talk to, a friend though not family, as I mentioned earlier, I can't really do that; They have been too judgmental in the past, and would play the blame game.  There won't be any winners with that...This friend, though, she's going through a hard time as well and I don't feel like burdening her.  That's why I decided to let someone else in, but I don't feel supported now, I feel more pressure.

 I understand about immersing myself in the things I really enjoy, but those things...I don't seem to enjoy anymore.  I know I want to enjoy them but I can't seem to.  For example, I loved to read, and could get through multiple books in just a week, and now I can barely get through one in months.  It makes me feel worse.  But I keep trying.  I don't know if I should force it.  I can't even write in my journal anymore, something that used to help me a lot.

Exercise helped I guess, and now I force myself to go for runs when I can (it's the only thing with a strong enough adrenaline rush afterward to help me clear my head and feel okay) but I busted my knee so it also hurts a lot now.  And even then, I'm just always tired and have no energy or motivation to put up with it.  I feel like everything is in my way, but nothing all at once, so why can't I just simply feel better.

I'm being a downer, aren't I?  

I'm glad you got better, and grateful for you telling me that it can be done...my friend couldn't even tell me that.

I know that this time, I need help.  I used to be unwilling or unable to conceive that before, when this all started.  But maybe my willingness to try this time around, maybe that, in itself, is an improvement already?

Again, thanks for replying.

[Beltane]

you're not being a downer. you're expressing your true feelings in one of the rare few places that you can. dont ever feel bad about that- this forum exists to give people a place to be honest about their suffering- because as you say, its really really hard to find that in real life sometimes.

please be honest as its harder on you i bet to have to feel like you have NOONE to talk to. its so isolating!!! the pain and misery and anxiety is bad enough- but having to be alone all through it is torture.

the lack of interest in things you used to enjoy- that is a very classic symptoms of depression right there. seriously go look around the Beyondblue website at the information articles on depression and anxiety (you can even do a questionaire to rate your symptoms that helps you figure out whats going on).
Depression is: constant or persistent low mood, feeling of sadness and misery, crying, lack of energy, sleeping a lot/ sleeping too little, losing interest in activities you used yo enjoy. The lack of energy can be really really bad. In my worst depressive states even things like getting out of bed to go to the toilet would take EPIC amounts of energy- i'd get back into bed and have to have a nap i'd be so tired.

Anxiety is: constant and persistent anxious feelings to a moderate severe level. Everyone has feelings of anxiety- its a normal part of life- but when they become consuming, constant, severe, persistent and life-destroying thats when its a mental illness rather than just a normal part of humanity.

Depression and anxiety often come hand in hand. Some people have one aspect thats stronger than the other - eg my anxiety is far worse than my depression. Most therapies are aimed at helping both, and most medications are able to treat both effectively. Sometimes it can be hard to find the right medication but many people do report very good improvement from the right medication. But dont get stuck in the trap where you think a medication will fix you 100%- it HELPS- its a tool in the arsenal, but you need other tools too- lifestyle changes, therapy, behaviour changes, coping skills etc. All those things combined will help you.

I'm not a one off case- i'm not the only person in the world who has recovered. Actually the vast majority of people with depression and anxiety make significant improvements within months and achieve remission within a year- the statistics are somewhere on this site.

So recovery is very very likely!!!!

[lookingforme]

I do feel very isolated.  I mean I've never felt at home anywhere I've lived so far, but  for the last six years I grew and changed (as a person) with people - and when I say changed I mean I was in a bad place and I gradually became better.  And it helped to have people there that I was comfortable with.  And now...I've left those people behind, which wouldn't matter so much if I felt any bit of comfort with the people I've met here.  But there's been a barrier between me and them, I don't get good feelings off of them.  During our lunch breaks, people may sit together, but there is absolutely no talking happening, no interaction, so I don't feel comfortable or welcomed or anything.  I know the mornings are hardest for me; it's like climbing a mountain everyday, and people just assume I'm in a bad mood all the time, because I try very hard to just focus on work to get into a rhythm before I just give it up, and that takes a lot of effort.  I've even started getting anxiety attacks at work. And it does feel like torture...because I get to ruminate on things I know I shouldn't be, and it feels painful 

And I am very tired, but I can't sleep so easily.  Yesterday, I was walking home from work and It was a 7 minute walk but I thought I would collapse or throw up, the way I was feeling (is that too much information?).  But I got home, and I couldn't even sleep.  I was just lying in bed being exhausted and feeling tired of being tired.  My nights aren't much better really.   I started a thread entitled "Dreams" in the general discussions section because I didn't know where to put it, where I talk about it.

 I am going to talk about this stuff to a counselor this week, just all of this is happening in the weekend, the decisions to get better, a battle plan (which essentially involved beyondblue and a recommendation for what next), but now I'm feeling anxious about it all, this is how I usually convince myself not to go through with things - because they make me feel anxious, but I'm trying to overcome it.  This thread, and this conversation is helping, so thank you - I haven't done anything to myself this weekend.

I tried that quick test out...it said High or Very high as a result.  I'll check out the literature as well.

In an attempt to give myself something to look forward to I'm going kayaking at sunset tonight and I'll have the opportunity to take photos (to things I used to enjoy), but at this moment, I don't even want to leave my bed.

Thanks Beltane

[Beltane]

For what its worth, getting help for the first time is probably the hardest part in the whole journey.
It's really overwhelming when you realise the battle you're facing- overcoming anxiety and depression isnt easy, it doesnt happen overnight- it can be a long battle. But with enough tools in your arsenal (the ones i've mentioned) it is very very much probable you will recover in a reasonably short amount of time. So right now I bet you feel like you;re standing at the bottom of a giant mountain, and its gonna be a long hard slog to get to the top.
But the journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. And often the first step is the hardest, cos from here it gets just a little bit easier each time.

you are certainly not along in feeling this way. I'll give you my brief history (i'll keep it short- its only to give you an idea)

i had anxiety from when i was a kid, it got worse and worse until my teens. i have a strong family history of mental illness so i was very familiar with the symptoms, plus i researched. by 16 i knew i had severe depression and anxiety disorder. i used to self harm . i nearly failed year 12 as i was so anxious i was vomiting. my anxiety is so severe it causes severe physical symptoms like nausea and vomiting. all day every day. it sucks.

i didnt get help until i was 24. people tried to get me there but i thought i could get over it myself and that getting help was weak

progressed to a full on mental breakdown and suicidal plans i was going to enact, when i made the call to ask for help. got doctors, therapy, medication- all happened very quickly. the meds and therapy was brilliant- within 6 months i was able to function like a normal person, within 12 i was officially in remission. i got a good job, friends, hobbies, i started going to concerts and places id never been before. i was happy.

i'm now 27. i have had minor relapses but

i have major issues with medications (liver problems). i've got a fantastic new career i'm studying for, a loving long term relationship, and wonderful hobbies and friends. i'm currently having a minor relapse due to the med issues but this is getting resolved as we speak. but ive never had anything like what i used to have.

moral of this story: if i can get better (and i was SICK SICK SICK) you can get better too.

[lookingforme]

Thank you for sharing your story. And I'm glad that after all of that, you've gote something that works.

i felt the same way, maybe still do a little bit, that I'm weak if I look for help. And I do feel anxious just thinking about what recovery may involve. I at times feel like I'm too tired to go through with it, physically and emotionally. Will I stick with it? Will I get better? If I have to go on medication, will I still be me, or will I change? But then, from time to time, I feel a mounting desperation to feel better. And the inner struggle continues, and then I'm stuck. I've been crying too frequently as a result of this. 

I'm waiting on people to get back to me about appointments for a counsellor, and the anticipation of when that first step will take is making me feel so up and down. It's giving me too much time to think about backing out, to convince myself I don't need it. Ironically, the i juries I've given myself are helping me keep some resolve. That's not to say I'll give myself more...but waiting is making me anxious. 

I'm going to work now, I'm tired and anxious. I hope I can survive it without having too much of a physical reaction.

[Beltane]

I know you were asking these questions of yourself, but I'm answering them anyway because i am sensing that you may need some reassurance.
Will you stick with it? Only if you want to. Remember you can always change therapists or doctors if either does not suit you or you feel they arent helping. Honestly, if you go to a therapist once and you cant stand her/ him, just change. Its not that they're bad therapists is just that some people will click with you and "get you" and others wont.

Will you get better? Statistics say yes. Look, therapy and medications absolutely cant make you any worse. The statistics on Beyond Blue website (cant find them, but you can look) say yes the majority of people go into remission within a year. the rest who dont may take longer to go into remission. even if you dont 100% recover, surely even 10% is better? how about 50%? how about 90%?!?!!

Some meds can cause a bit of a funny feeling or symptoms like tummy ache for the first couple of weeks but please keep in touch with the doctor and tell him/ her if you get those symptoms. Do not just stop the med. Unfortunately some people do get a few side effects at the start BECAUSE the med is doing what its supposed to do- change the brain chemicals that might be causing this anxiety and depression. These side effects do go away, if they are severe or dont go away then your doctor will tell you how to swap to a new medication.

No psych drugs do not change who you are. There are cases where the WRONG medication will make someone feel very tired, like they have no emotions, like they arent themselves. this is WRONG- change the drug. the RIGHT medication will improve your negative horrible depressed anxious feelings without changing a single thing about who you are as a person.

its important to seperate yourself from the anxiety. i freaked out at first cos i'd had anxiety for so long that i didnt really know who i was without it. that might not make much sense, but i actually struggled with this new life where i didnt have the one thing i;d ALWAYS had. i mean it was great it was just so new and different.

but jeez, i'd never go back to that. i'm the real me now- ive found my happy career, a happy relationship, a happy home, and most importantly a happy stable healthy mental health state. so you could say it changed my life- by removing the horrible stuff

[lookingforme]

I understand what you're saying, I can only get better. Even if I improve and then go back but overall I'm 15% better, I'm still better.