anxiety and life

[vader1]

Hi ,

I have used beyond blue forum once before and found it helpfull, so i though would post again, as i found it supportive and dont have many people to talk too . I have anxiety and depression , since I was 15. I have recently had a few turbulent months , I was working in a new job(emergency nursing), that was a big acheivment for me ( for over 14 months), however I had no family or support and it was very stressfull. I decided to then move to a new job (even more stressfull) to try something new . However I recently resigned from the job to focus on myself and I moved back in with family. I was living alone and far away and was in a very stressfull job, which esculated my anxiety. I was determined to get some help and saw 2 diffrent people and talked about my anxiety . However I have found that they havent heped me that much. If anything I hated myself more. Some days I feel really good and I can take on the world and then there are other days where I find that I am having panic attacks , and breathing heavily, and not sleeping. Just leaving the house make me anxious at times and in many ways I feel that I am at a standstill with life. I use to be very confident and postive and yet now i am the complete oppisite. I have been focusing on eating right and continul exercise , and sharing my thoughts with my family , i have even been trying to do new things and trying to get back into old interests , even a new course , but I just dont seem to want to strive or push myself like I use to.

Moving and resiging if felt would give me a fresh start but I feel that I just cant move forward . I know that nothing is stopping me from making new positive descions but I just feel that something is stopping me . I dont know if it is my anxiety , or past thoughts or past regrets or something else .

I have looked at getting some part time nursing work , as I can cope with that and I have support unlike before , however at times , even the thought of applying for jobs makes me anxious and sick in my stomach (and i dont know why).

Sorry for rambing, like i said i found these forums helpfull previously and would love some suggestions or advice. Thnakyou.

[Croix]

Dear Vader1~

I guess the first thing to do is welcome you back. I read what you said last year and really think what's happening now is a continuation of that situation.

If I understand correctly you invested a fair amount of yourself in training for A&E, then when you were in it you pressed on despite the symptoms that kept coming up. I guess maybe the nature of the job plus having no family support was simply too taxing.

You may well have thought it was too late to change, seeing you underwent all that study, and this feeling made you stay longer than you might.

You then changed to another stressful area and later resigned. Now back at home and still sadly not right.

Well I can say from personal experience staying too long in the wrong job -for whatever reasons - can be most harmful and the effects linger on. I would think you have made the right decisions to get out of it.

Hopefully a supportive family environment and the absence of the highly stressed jobs will allow things to improve.

I'm not surprised you have not 'snapped back' to a better state. With me it took time, meds, therapy, support and no job at all. (I'm good now) So please do not set yourself up for failure by expecting too much from yourself too quickly.

I'm sorry the people you've talked to have not helped, I presume you mean GPs and psychologists. Perhaps if they can set out therapy for you to practice at home?

You are certainly doing the right things in relation to lifestyle with exercise and diet. Can you manage sleep? I don't see regular distraction and reward in your list. I've found those to be more than important - quite vital.

You probably know the steps to take with a panic attack (thoughts, moving, breathing) . Perhaps you might find the free smartphone app Smiling Mind helpful -I rely on it, though I must say it takes practice.

Getting part time work sounds pretty good, A reasonable aim. May I mention that some temporary positions though an agency or similar can be very stressful so one needs to select carefully. You don't want to be the only RN in a home with med rounds, panics and admin all with no colleagues to hand. In the longer term you might, at least for a while consider a stint in a less taxing nursing department, perhaps X-ray, or one that has more reward than A&E, such as Middie.

I've now rambled on 🙂 Perhaps you might like to come back and say more

Croix

[vader1]

Hi, thank you for replying. I have my good days and then my ok days, sorry not for replying sooner.
I have seen my GP and two psychologists over the last 2 years. Most of the time, they link my anxiety to past experiences or circumstances or fear of the future, but feel that I don’t need any further help. They do help by offering suggestions like breathing and using music as a distraction. But I find that only helps every now and then. I feel most of the time that there is something more going on, whether that is boredom or over thinking, I’m and not sure. I do overthink a lot (that’s half my problem) and have a habit of dissecting every choice past, present and future maliciously.
I think my main problem is that aside from the overthinking, I always feel, personally, that I am not living up to my own expectation, or that I am not living and being who I should be, or even doing what I should be doing, yet lately feeling lost.
I find I am exercising and eating right, but don’t really have any distraction or reward for myself. I do watch movies but in all honestly, I haven’t had anything like that since before university. I used to be very heavily involve in performing arts, theatre and dancing, prior to university and work. Theatre used to be my world, then shifted to university and the need for job stability and the thought that I had to grow up and get a real life. I have since taken up a class or two, but taking my time with that.
Regarding sleeping, it varies. Most nights I will go to bed with hundreds of thoughts and scenarios running though my head and will wake up with my heart racing, or wont sleep and then will sleep in until 9 o’clock and then need pull myself out of bed. I am not one for sleeping in, normally I am up by 6:30 or 7:00.
I have looked at undertaking some part time work, as I previously talked about, I have even done some online testing for jobs and a job interview. But I feel that nursing in a nutshell maybe isn’t any good for me. Even though I am good at my job and I spent quite some time learning and practicing. I am proud at what I have accomplished, but am glad I made the decision to put my health first.
Now that I have written an essay, thank you for replying, it’s been good to talk to someone. Thanks.