Anxiety about the future

[Purplebear]

Hi everyone... I don't post a lot here. I'm more of a reader but I was wondering if anyone had any tips for the situation I'm going to mention below.

So I suffer from anxiety and depression for over 10 years. It gets worse with every death in the family. Late last year my grandpa who I was really close with and was a second father to me got really really sick and passed away early this year. Now I live with my grandma as my dad and uncle have passed 10 years and 4 years ago respectively.

I have been with my current partner for over a year and a half. We've decided to not have kids. I believe I wouldn't cope mentally. I already have enough issue trying to sleep and manage myself. My grandma ever since my grandpa got really sick pushed me to have a baby even though I told her I don't want one. I talked to my partner about not having one. My partner already has two children from previous relationship and recently got the snip. That's fine.

My concern is the amount of stress I feel when my grandma brings it up because it leaves me a quiet closed off mess and I find it hard to talk about it with others. My grandma has, for lack of a better phrase, my life "planned out" as in get married and have kids. I am very lucky to already have a house I'll be paying off. It's hard when I don't want that. It's hard because my job as a teacher lets me teach and build relationships with other peoples children and that's enough for me. My gran doesn't get it but I love her anyway as she's the only blood family I've got living with me during this coronavirus stuff and my partner who is a few towns away from me in regional Victoria.

I don't want to have a child just to make my grandma happy... I don't know what to do as she doesn't approve of me not wanting kids because of my legitimate mental health concerns.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Purplebear,

Thank you for your post and sharing your anxiety. I'm not sure if I have any 'tips' for you but I will try and be helpful anyway.

I read your post a few times and I wanted to ask about it - the title of your post is anxiety about the future, and yet at the end you talked about not wanting kids and your grandma not happy about that decision. Where about's does the anxiety come in here? What are the things you feel anxious about?

I can relate to your post in certain ways, as I've had my life planned out by other people and my life didn't fit the plans. For me, it was a job and a marriage. I think there's this wonderful idea in people's heads about wanting the best for you and having an idea and a vision of what the best for you 'looks like'. So when anything disrupts that vision, it can be really unsettling. So I'm imagining your grandma cares so much but is so unsettled by it which is why she keeps bringing it up.

I wonder if maybe you can see this as a way of her caring and coping, but being able to own your decisions at the same time. You don't have to question them if this feels right for you- only to trust in them.

rt

[uncut_gems]

Hi Purplebear,

I'm so sorry to hear about this situation– it sounds like a really stressful mix of contradictory emotions. I totally agree with RT that in all likelihood your grandmother's words and actions, even if they are hurtful, come from a place of love and care and a desire to see you lead a full and rich life. Unfortunately, different generations and different people have very different ideas of what the "good life" looks like.

Part of adulthood is figuring out what that looks like for ourselves, and articulating it to the people around us. It may be an anxiety-inducing process, but I think it is important for you to tell your grandma lovingly but firmly that your life is your own, and that you don't see kids being part of your happy future. As you say, she is your only blood relation, and if you are truly close she will likely understand.

Warmly,

Gems