Afraid of never getting better

[Alel]

I'm still 2 weeks into my new medication. I still haven't seen a psychologist and I know I need to. But I'm so scared for some reason. 

I'm also afraid that no matter how much I go to therapy, or I take care of my mental and physical health or how much coping mechanisms and healthy practices I adapt into my life, I'll always feel like there is smth wrong. Smth is off. I will always feel shitty.

Why am so afraid of trying? I feel so different from everyone around me. I can barely understand myself, I doubt anyone can understand me.

I made another post on here about all the things I still need to overcome, but I'm so scared of doing it alone, but also afraid of going to see a psychologist. 

I only saw a psychiatrist once so far and will see them in the future as well. But I never know what to say, how to act, what to do. Why is it so hard? Shouldn't I feel relieved to talk about all this after keeping it all in? 

[Alel]

I'm constantly conscious of how I feel. But for the last couple days, I've been trying to get out of my head. And it's been working well.

Until today, where I remembered how I was before, everything im scared of, all the things I've been through, and I just got sad. Like hopeless all over again.

I've been able to do things I couldn't a week ago. But here I am again, just down. Why can't I just be happy with where I'm at? I still got so much to overcome (which is overwhelming, but at least I got goals and things to do right?)

It's weird, but I can't stop imagining myself going crazy and crying painfully. Like I'm some character destined for destruction. I keep imagining these stories of me being sad, i can't stop day dreaming. 

I want to accept that I have sever anxiety and depression, but no matter how hard I try to, I just can't. It make me feel so sad.

I'm only 16 days into my new meds. Which is nothing but I'm also afraid of it working because then I'll have to actually start doing things and living. Which scares me. 

Even when I feel okay, I'm never fully okay.

I'm so scared of going crazy or insane because my brain is always sad or scared. I don't want to go insane. 

[mmMekitty]

Hi Alel,

This looks like an uphill slog for you, so when you fall back, what are you going to do?

What most people do is get stubborn & get up & keep going. You know where you want to go, so look towards that goal & keep going. There will be setbacks, days when it all seems too hard, when even giving yourself a sponge bath frightens you - that's when you need to draw upon your strengths of courage & perseverance.

Yes, you have those things, which can get you past the fear, shame & doubt.

& Remember, you have community members here who support you, because you are a fellow human being who deserves a better life than what you have now.

I have also found that when I have done small things, even one thing to care for myself each day, at the end of the day I don't say it was a wasted day. Even the attempt to do something is of value.

Hugzies

mmMekitty 

[Alel]

I struggle with exercising, taking showers and going out due to my emetophobia and agoraphobia. 

I've been told by my psychiatrist that I need to start doing all those things to better my severe anxiety and depression. 

I am only going out like once a week and I'm still struggling to exercise (especially) and shower. 

Everytime I go outside, I feel sick because of how out of shape I am. And I feel afraid that this will just be forever. 

I'm afraid of exercising due to my fear of vomiting or fainting, and my agoraphobia makes it worse because having anxiety outside of my house (even just in my backyard) terrifies me. 

So exercising in my backyard is still hard. I just feel like a faliure and weak. I can't even get myself to walk in my backyard. 

I don't know how to get myself to start and keep going. I'm so scared it's so annoying. 

And the thing is, I know I'm capable of doing it due to evidence of the past and present. My fear of going out has lessened alot and I used to be able to walk for hours in the past as well as did jumprope for six months. 

I just hate feeling so physically tired and weak when I do any movement. Just walking makes me feel so sick and dizzy. I hate it. 

Is there any tips to help. Because I feel like I don't have ppl that understand me fully in my house. So I feel like I'm getting through all of this on my own and my brain is finding it hard handling so much. 

[Alel]

Ever since I left the psych hospital, I started following the rules there at home.

• Eat breakfast at 9am (2 butter and jam sandwiches with cup of tea.

• lunch at 12/1pm (try to eat protein and vegetables)

• dinner at 5/6pm (I try to eat vegetables and protein).

• I try to drink a bottle between each meal and sometimes more.

• I eat yogurt at 7pm because its the only thing that makes me happy (didn't do this at the hospital because I didn't feel like snacking then). 

Lately I've been feeling like snacking due to the meds and my apetite coming back, but whenever I feel like snacking, I panic because my routine is changing. But if I don't snack, I start panicking about puking or fainting. 

As well as, the yogurt brand I eat at 7pm had to change, which is causing me to panic even tho it's the same flavor and taste. 

I just freak out from the tiniest interference in my routine. Tiniest. 

I have to start incorporating exercise, showers and going out more into routine. 

But I've become to attached to the simple one I got after the hospital.

Theres also alot of other things in the future that are going to dirupt and change my routine, which I find myself constantly thinking about and finding a routine that I go over and over to prepare myself some how. 

It's so exhausting to be affected by every. Little. Thing. 

What do I do? I know I have to start slow, but I'm so afraid I make one wrong move and it all goes bad and I'm going to have to start from square one all over again. 

[Alel]

I forgot to add, 

Whenever I eat later than the time in my routine, I start feeling dizzy, nauseous and weak. Because I think I'm going to faint or puke or d.e if I don't eat on time.

I take sleeping meds at 10pm and I have to get off them soon, which my brain tells me I'm addicted to them.

[Alel]

I haven't been able to see a psychologist yet because life has been busy. But I've been told many times by my psychiatrist and others to see one. Soon I'll go get a refferal. 

But I find myself sorta hesitating. What if questions run around in my head all the time. 

• What if I get someone that lies to me? 
• What if their an actor? 
• What if they won't believe me? 
• What if they will think I'm crazy? 
• What if I am crazy and I don't even know? 
• What if they won't help? 
• What if it makes things worse? 
• What if I can't handle it?

What I do, please help. 

[sunnyl20]

Hi Alel, 

I am really sorry you are experiencing so much anxiety - that's a lot of questions and head noise, I can't imagine how draining that must be. It sounds like where you find yourself now is not where you want to be and that you are needing some support - when these intense thoughts/questions come up it may be helpful to remind yourself why you do want to seek help. It can take a couple of clinicians to find someone you connect with and feel comfortable with, but engaging in therapy is very unlikely to make things worse. It may also help to share these questions and thoughts with your psychologist so that they can help you to dispel them - the psychologist is there to support you and guide you, not to judge you.

I am sorry if this was not the answer you were looking for. But please do not hesitate to reply if and when you feel up to it. We're here to listen.

Take care Alel. 

[Alel]

I hate that no matter how much progress I make, there will always be at least one basic thing that I will struggle with everyday. 

Maybe taking a shower today was easy, but tommorow it caused me a panic attacks.

Maybe yesterday I was okay with going to the bathroom alone, but next week it'll be the reason I cant go back to sleep.

Maybe in fine with making and eating my food today, but couple days ago, cooking and eating was making me feel nauseous and dizzy from how much it overwhelmed me.

There will always be struggle. Everyday. And I just have to accept that? 

I can't depend on my family forever. I need to live on my own and depend on myself. I need to be able to take care of myself without needing another person. I need to be able to go to places or meet people without having panic attacks because I'm alone. 

I need to be able to handle hard situations without crying to my family or giving up until they help me. 

It's embarrassing and erasing any chance I have to develop skills. 

I need skills. 

My whole life has been like this. 

[therising]

Hi Alel

I know it's easy for me to say but try not to be too hard on yourself. I think with our circumstances changing on a day to day basis, for one reason or another or in one way or another, one day can be very different to the next.

I've found it helps in being able to identify my circumstances, this way I'm not so hard on myself. For example, I can have a whole stack of triggers in one day which can lead me to feel more stressed or more exhausted the next day. Also, while today I could be channeling the super confident 'I got this!' part of me, tomorrow I could be completely tapped into the inner critic in me, believing everything it says ('You're hopeless. You're always going to struggle' etc). No matter how hard I try, there are some days where I just can't tap back into my super confident self. So, while I can try and identify the circumstances, I also have to be able to identify what natural aspect of me is in play.

I think just about everyone has an inner critic and inner analyst in them. While the inner critic is cruel and brutal at times, the analyst can be very matter of fact. Kinda like it is a matter of fact 'You could have managed this or that differently. You could have managed your time better. You could have weeded the garden and not sat and watched Netflix if you had got off your backside'. It's all absolutely true, a fact. My inner analyst is correct. But if I mistake the inner analyst for the inner critic, it goes from being a fact to what can feel like a harsh criticism that leads me to feel like a failure. Alel, it's strange but when it comes to the many different facets that go toward making up who we are, the inner dialogue comes with different tones. By the way, I'm not talking about voices here, just simply inner dialogue. Our inner adventurer can have an enthusiastic tone to 'This is going to be so exciting'. Our inner sage can have a calm tone that comes with 'You need to be more loving toward yourself and not be so cruel'. Same goes for the analyst and the critic; same words but different tone. One is an analytical non judgemental tone whereas the other has a harsh nasty tone that can feel so depressing at times.

Perhaps it's your inner sage or analyst that you hear telling you 'You need skills. It's time to start gathering some new ones because life's becoming just too hard without them'.

[Spags_]

Hi Alel,

I have been in therapy for almost 12months now after secretly dealing with depression and anxiety for my whole life. I had a similar feeling as you before starting therapy, that I would always feel like there was something “wrong”. Which I have now learnt was even more a reason to start talking. I will always have anxiety so in many ways yes you will always have that feeling but you will learn how to cope with it, you will learn how to live without it ruling your existence and you will learn to accept that anxiety is simply just apart of your story, like it is mine. The scariest part is starting. Wishing you all the best