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A bully in the family
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Hi Beyond-bluers
Looking for advice on how to deal with a member of my extended family who just sends my social anxiety through the roof.
My maternal extended family have always been very close, and they have been an amazing support to me when I have had a hard time. I am not the only one in the family to suffer from some mental health difficulties, I have a cousin on that side who suffered a very traumatic experience in her teens and as a result has developed PTSD and a lot of anger around what happened to her. All of us have tried to be supportive of her as she tries to heal.
Unfortunately, some of her anger seems to express itself in the form of really excessive nastiness towards a whole range of people, including us. Over the years she's repeatedly taken these little digs at my weight and appearance, my job, the course I'm studying, and suggested that I don't even have proper anxiety because I don't even know what it's like to have bad things happen to me so I should "just get on with it". The worst thing she's done was when she made a racist insult about my ex-boyfriend's mother to his face (which is not why he's now my ex, although I wouldn't have blamed him if he had bolted at that point). Weirdly enough the final straw was hearing her tell somebody else that people from my hometown don't know anything. I'm just so sick of being insulted by her.
Frankly, we're just two people who shouldn't be in the same room. The rest of my family find her rude, but say they can just let her comments roll off their back because they know what she's like. But my social anxiety makes that impossible. So I've gotten to the stage where I haven't been attending any family gatherings because she's always there for them. Not only am I scared of what she will say to me, but I feel so attacked by her that I'm worried I will lash out and say something awful back - I've certainly been thinking a lot of uncharitable thoughts about her
It finally hit me this weekend because there was a family dinner for my late grandfathers birthday and I just couldn't bring myself to go and face her. I miss spending time with my family. Everybody is scared to say anything to her because she is very manipulative and her mother has already been emotionally blackmailed by her into cutting ties with several of their old family friends that have somehow upset her. I don't know how to deal with this or whether I should just cut ties with all but my immediate family, because I can't take her anymore.
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Hi Ellie
its hard when you have a family member who makes life hard for you. I know that she's probably been through a lot but that dosent excuse her being nasty to you at all. I know it's difficult to be around her but maybe if you go to the next family thing and just avoid her spend your time talking to people away from her and if she dose say something just tell her that you don't have to take her nonsense and walk away sometimes the best you can do for someone like that is stand up to them if everybody tip toes around her she will be used to getting her own way but as soon as someone stands up to her she won't know what to do. I have a lot of family members that make my life hard and I get picked on them a lot becuase I'm from the country and they come from the city and I used to let them get to me but now I give it back as good as I get I'm not nasty about it but I just don't take it anymore. It took a fair bit for me to first stand up to them but once I did it became really easy from then on. Don't let one member of your family stop you from seeing your loved ones she really isn't worth it.
Maybe you could just invite a few of your family members over without her and talk about how she is making you feel. You don't have to of had a hard life to have anxiety so don't listen to her.
anyway I don't know if this helped at all but if you want to talk I'm here.
nath
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Hi Ellie, welcome
Well cutting ties is often done especially when that persons behaviour is so adverse.
If you do cut ties, what can cushion the blow? Well, invite family members (but not her) to your place for bbq's. Make it a traditional time say pleasant weather in autumn and late spring. Enjoy others company and dont talk about her.
You might also want to read these threads. Use google
Topic: bullying- beyondblue
Topic: so what are their mental illnesses?- beyondblue
Topic: wit, the only answer to torment- beyondblue
Hope that helps
Tony WK
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If you feel strong enough tell the rest of your family why you don't go, they would understand and as Tony has said invite them over to your place for a BBQ, however somehow she might find out, then tell her the reason why, that you don't want to see her. Geoff.