I have anxiety of nonstop thoughts and feelings about turning 40 and its been quite painful for me. I have always dreamed of having children and having a partner that is able to help support this dream.
But ive lived a life of mental illness of social phobia and anxiety and its been alot of periods of isolating myself from society over the years. But a 5 years ago that changed and i got very well and was active in the community until i started going out with a person that has schizophrenia and my anxiety took a toll on me and i got adrenal fatigue and got obese from all the stress involved.
I have always lived at home with my parents. We live on acres in a picturesque location and i basically have a duty of care for my aging parents esp my half deaf mother who has always had deafness as her disability.
But i dream of having a child and having a place of my own esp a place in a rural setting like home.
I dont have enough money to support a child and i dont have a partner that is able to support me and a child and i cant talk about this to anyone much as i feel like im not worthy of it. Like my life is chosen by others for them.
Independence has always been hard for me.
Once was a distant dream is suddenly a do or dont do repercussion anxiety.
i really want to be able to forge ahead and push my way out of codependences around me and get healthy again, get out in the community and meet new people and get a job again.
But covid 19 has seemed to put a damper on that and also my partner that is very ill with schizophrenia cannot understand his severe limitations and what that means to my life. He has brain impairments that sees things impulsively and emotionally for him but not understanding or planning or able to think about details. He just cannot do and he has no money or anything.
How can i stop my mind spiraling out of this anxiety about my near future esp during this time? It gets really painful esp seeing people with kids on the tv and everywhere. Its like another painful part of my life i missed out on.
