3 kid's a small business and a partner

[plaster]

Hey guys i am a 25 year old with 3 kids and a partner i suffer anxiety with ocd compulsive worries and thoughts which my partner is there 100%.......who is there when you need support and feel alone like life is so hard closing in on you and you feel you cant share this with your partner as you see her life is way harder then mine she is home with children all day..... 5...4...2 thats how old they are amd yet i feel like i am trapped in a box i love her and my kids so so deeply but i am a short and snappy person since my friend anxiety devoloped as i am getting older i feel i want things......hobbies.....more money....anything and i am feeling more and more controlled by my partner and i dont know what to do something inside makes me feel more and more stress the more i am controlled yet in life you can't just do what you want when you want.....kids come first but i have no male friends to talk to about life i am a tradie a manly man and i feel like life is getting so hard but i cant share this with my wife as i feel so selfish how do you cope with this feeling please help

[white knight]

Hi Plaster, welcome

The most obvious advice is to contact Relationships Australia or similar for some guidance.  DIDS, dads in distress is another one.

Good on you for asking this question as men rarely do. You want the best for your family but you are struggling. Anxiety IMO is a far under-rated illness that leads to many bad things. You really do need to see your GP to tackle the illness and be calmer. Need more money? a new budget might be in order. My wife and I revamped our finances and it was amazing how we saved so much money.

Sometimes partners can develop into a bossy person or controlling person and be unaware of it. My daughter, a teacher, was told by me once "I love teachers as long as they don't teach me". A neighbour has a nurse for a wife and he told her "leave your nurses cap at work". Your wife with 3 young kids might have fallen into the trap of talking to you like she addresses your children. Cut her some slack, its easy to do. Your problem will be how to approach her about it. Show her this thread?

I once wrote and article on this forum. Google "topic: talking to men- some tips beyond blue" She could benefit reading that.

That's all I can think of. Good luck

Tony WK

[Em_thatisme]

Hi Plaster,

I'm a mum to a 3.5 and 4.5 year old and a puppy. I have had anxiety my whole life however my husband never had anxiety before we had children. Since we have had children he has had anxiety and had a period of being quite crabby especially with the children.

His anxiety came from being the financial provider for three people and then four. That is a load to bear. I think it took him longer to talk it through with me than other things. I think it took him longer in part because of my own struggles and in part because he felt similarly to you that he had the easier job and therefore had less of a right to feel that way.

The period where he was more grumpy and short than usual was because of his anxiety as well as guilt that while he completely loves our children he wasn't enjoying being with them. He wasn't enjoying being a Dad, he felt guilty that he wasn't being a better Dad, he felt guilty he wasn't at home more and he felt angry with himself for having these feelings spill out of him when he was interacting with the children. He felt a strong sense that it wasn't their fault they were born and was VERY angry with himself that those emotions came out of him.

His anxiety around financially providing for us is still there and I think always will be while I'm off work. His intense grumpiness has certainly subsided after we had a long chat. My husband talks about emotions and how he is feeling quite easily but he sometimes doesn't actually feel his emotions until he gets a bit tipsy. We drink once every month or so. So one night he was getting tipsy and started getting very upset about all these feelings. He told me everything including some thoughts that were very difficult for him to express. I sat there and agreed the responsibility of children is a lot and tough to bear. I coaxed out the bits he was reluctant to share that seemed to be wrapped up with his anger at his own parents for their times of poor parenting. 

[Em_thatisme]

I think you describe things which indicate you feel isolated from your wife and kids. I think if you don't have practice being that vulnerable with your partner then this will be hard for you. If I was you I would start with talking it through with a counselor first to get some support and a clearer idea of what you are struggling with. Then bring your wife into a counselling session. Let her know that you want to go to counselling so you can get help talking about your negative feelings because it is difficult for you. Eventually you want to get better at having vulnerable discussions without a counselor but initially a counselor is essential. 

If you were my husband and you were talking to me with real vulnerability for the first time, or one of the first times. I would get scared and defensive before you said many words. I would push you to get it out quickly and that wouldn't help you express yourself clearly. I would push you because I would be scared that you were about to tell me you had an affair, were asking for a divorce or something like that.Also I would like to add that everyone goes through something in their lives that puts them in a vulnerable place and changes how they view the world and their lives. They also don't necessarily tell everyone about it especially if they are blokey blokes. So stop looking at yourself like you are someone wrong or different to everyone else. You don't know what secret pain or difficulty other people are suffering from. I mean how many people who know you also know you are struggling with some big emotions right now?? None?? That is why you are here right?

Good Luck, Em