im so done with life.

[rescu3me]

Hi,

I just joined. I don't know where to begin. My parents have put me through so much hell, I question why I'm living with them. I don't know how to treat them. Right now I'm sort of silent. I have tried getting jobs as an attempt to moving out and being independent but I usually quit in the days job because I just experience another trauma, trauma layered on top of trauma. I get triggered, or I leave with no plan of the coming future.

I'm so done. I want to make the most of my 20's and not suffer. It's hard though, because I normally feel like me vs the world. I feel seperate to the world, seeing everyone mingle and create happy moments with their friends and family. Automatic alienation, I feel like a criminal or just like a rubbish bag. I never had a happy kind of life...if I could explain everything I would.. I've experienced chronic loneliness a lot, to the highest degree one could experience.

I haven't been diagnosed with this but I am aware I have extreme anxiety and social anxiety. I have been diagnosed w BPD too. I even get paralysed by so many options I create, so that's no fun either. I feel like I'm just drifting, dragging. Powerless, helpless etc. I don't know where I'm going in life. I think of career but at the same time I just want to focus on moving because they make me feel so alone. And that's like through every way possible. When they adore the dog, when they laugh, when they snore (that's the worst, I can't sleep every night.. so that makes things worse.. how can I work?

I don't know how I can thrive at home, but how can I thrive when I feel so seperate from the world? I wish I had a perfect family, family that went on outings, people in my life that celebrated me, never ever recognising or experiencing loneliness, etc.

I get triggered hearing people mention their friends, or even just walking outside seeing people, seeing what normalcy is like. people on their snapchats, people texting each other. im done.

[Sophie_M]

Dear rescu3me,
 
Firstly, welcome to the forums we are so glad that you found your way to this supportive and welcoming community. We hope that you find ideas, options and support from the shared experiences and knowledge of all our members.
 
We can hear from your post that you have been really struggling with anxiety and difficult feelings of being powerless, helpless, and separate to this world, we hope you recognize the effort and strength you have displayed just persevering despite feeling as though it’s ‘me vs the world’.
 
Living with others can be hard, sometimes especially if they are your parents. We can often feel people in our ‘personal space’ can make us feel they are reducing our ability to relax, enjoy or express oneself. When we are also then sharing this space with individuals that may not know or understand what you are experiencing mentally. This situation can make you feel alone, even in the most crowded room and we’re sorry you feel this way in your own home. Have you discussed how you feel with your parents?
 
We would highly recommend discussing your feelings of depression and anxiety with your family G.P as they are an excellent point of first contact to receive advice and assistance on accessing local services, or your psychiatrist if you are in contact. We have also provided the links for some counselling and other services below.
 
If you want to discuss this in more detail or would prefer to have a conversation about any current issue, we recommend contacting the Beyond Blue counselling team. By engaging via phone or chat the counsellors can provide advice and support, please contact either via phone 1300 22 4636 or web chat: http://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support
 
Also, if you have not engaged with them before we would also recommend Kids helpline on 1800 55 1800 or at https://kidshelpline.com.au/ . This service is available to anyone 25 years old and under.
 
We would also recommend checking out MensLine Australia at https://mensline.org.au/ or via phone
on 1300 789 978.
 
One further resource for you to consider, this is not a counselling service but will be an excellent resource to help with the other issue of being ‘stuck’ with your parents. They have guides and links to government approved services regarding housing, finances, and employment. We would highly recommend seeing what services, assistance and support is available specific to your situation and location, while you are processing your decision. You can access this service via their website, https://www.servicesaustralia.gov.au/
 
If at any point those thoughts of ‘being done’ become overwhelming, or you no longer feel say we urge you to contact emergency services on 000.
 
We hope that you find the support and direction that you are seeking on the forums. Once again, we are so glad you have joined the forums and we hope that you feel welcomed into the community.  
 
Warm regards
Sophie M

[geoff]

Hello Rescu, welcome to the forums.

Living with your parents is influencing your ability to move forward, I'm sorry to say and as much as you want to get a job, can we take a step backwards for the moment.

If you are receiving any benefits from the government, then you can apply for bond money and two weeks rents from Centrelink, which is to be paid off over a period of time.

This will allow you to move out, you can obtain furniture from St. Vincent and or the Salvation Army or perhaps friends can help you out or you could rent the major priorities, like refrig, microwave etc.

Doing this will enable a different frame of mind and release you from your parents and slowly begin a way to connect with other people without your parents being involved.

If you stay with them you can't feel the freedom you're after and this may cause you not to have any confidence when communicating with other people.

Sophie has given you some good links to contact.

Remember that public notice boards may have people looking for another boarder and Centrelink can also provide you with $1000 which you pay back over a period of time.

If you do get triggered by various means, then please have a talk with your doctor, and please know that as uncomfortable as this may be, there are times hen we need to change direction.

Take care.

Geoff.

[yggdrasil]

Hi rescu3me,

Thank you so much for posting on here. I'm so sorry you are in such a difficult place at the moment. I completely relate to your experiences with your family, and the way you feel so alienated from other people's displays of "normalcy".

I remember in my late teens I use to find coffee shops infuriating and distressing for this reason. Something about seeing all these happy, well dressed people having light, friendly conversations triggered an intense anger and despair in me. I was pretty angry at that age, and I remember fantasising about smashing all the coffee cups off the coffee tables... thankfully I never gave in to this instinct...

There are lots of different ways to feel connected to other people. Some of us are deep introverts, and can't stand endless chit-chat at pubs and cafes - the "normal" model of socialising with other people. Some of us are even a bit adversarial, and find we want to start arguments etc with others, or bring up controversial topics.

Some ways of connecting with others are more visceral. Things like choir groups and team sports connect people on more of a "gut" level, something I suspect many people are missing.

I've always prefered less direct forms of social interaction. For example, I got back into skating massively over COVID. While skating is an individual pursuit, it is still social. I've met all kinds of interesting people at skateparks. Everyone is in a state of both intense focus and hightened adrenaline, as everyone is putting their safety on the line (albeit in a very controlled way.) When you, or someone else, lands something amazing, you get this shared rush, and sense of awe. You can't get that from snapchat.

I also really respect your ambition to move out of home. I think for many young people this is an essential step in improving their mental health. In my experience, some parents will neurotically try to disuade their kids from moving out, even if the home life is clearly mutually dysfunctional. My advice would be to continue to pursue this ambition. I think for many young people, this goal is much more important in the short term than other ambitions, like uni.

Things like food courier work are a good way to make quick cash in a flexible way, and don't require extensive qualifications. I did this for many years. You might also consider a short vocational qualification in something in high demand so you can become self-sufficient sooner.

All the best, and thank you again for your post!

[Mark Z.]

Hi rescu3me,

Welcome to the forum.

I'm so sorry for what you've experienced, I can't image how hard it is for you.

I agree with Sophie's suggestion, before discussing your social network and your career, you need to put your mental health on priority. Seeing your GP for a referral to a suitable psychologist might bring you onto the right track. You can also give BeyongBlue hotline a call to have a chat with a professional, I believe you'll get some inspiration.

Moreover, would you like to consider Mental health peer support? There're some organisations out there providing mental health peer support service, such as MindAustralia (www.mindaustralia.org.au), or access to peer support groups, such as GROW (https://grow.org.au).

Also, don't ignore your physical health. Eating well and having regular exercise (better outdoor) will help you have better sleep.

Hope everything gets better soon.

Mark

[Petal22]

Hi rescu3me,

Wellcome to our forums.

Im sorry you are feeling this way.

I understand it would be hard to be experiencing trauma.

Have you ever spoken to a health professional about the way you are feeling?

Im sorry you feel like a criminal or a rubbish bag….. I understand that you really must feel some deep hurt to feel that way in an alienated way.

I understand that anxiety can also be extremely hard to deal with.

Having experienced chronic loneliness would have been really hard.

If its independence your looking for I recommend you work on it step by step.

First please make an appointment with your gp and discuss how you are currently feeling, you could do a mental health plan together this will enable you to see a psychologist.

Sometimes we need to do things that make us feel uncomfortable so we can then get the help me need to move forward.

Once you have dealt with what you are feeling with a professional healing can begin…

[Karen0901]

I agree with the previous posts. You need to take this one step at a time. Instead of jumping into jobs you need to look into supports. These might be Centrelink or mental health services. Once you are feeling a bit more grounded, you can move your focus back to getting a job. Because a job will really help you with your confidence over time and make you feel less disconnected.

Finally, you need to remember that most people are trying to act like their life is better than it actually is. Social media is a toxic example of this. Don't let your opinion of what your life should be like, get in the way of making the best of the life you have. Think about some things you are grateful for. You may have things that others don't.

Then, when you are ready, start working on the things you wish you had. For example, if you want better family relations think about how this might be achieved. Your parents must love you if they are still supporting you by letting you live with them. Maybe you could talk about some of the things you feel the relationship is missing such as family outings etc., with them.