I swear my brain is trying to kill me

[Jack184]

First, a bit of background on me.

I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome when I was young. Lately I wonder if it's entirely accurate, but it's certainly close enough that my life's been a struggle with loneliness and all the other things anyone with that condition would be familiar with. More recently, the first two years of high school have caused me to come undone, I've had a really hard time dealing with constant stress, other people annoying me all the time, and some extremely depressing topics we've covered, such as the holocaust, world wars, the refugee crisis at the moment, Australian history, and by now thinking about politics makes me want to scream and/or start a revolution.

This year, with things seemingly calming down a bit as I move into year 9, I've just come apart, and dysthymia has turned into depression. And I've always had problems with anxiety. Sometimes I wonder if my depression is actually a really weird version of bipolar disorder. I'm also wondering about personality disorders, like borderline, dependent, avoidant, etc., but some of the stuff mentioned above makes it really hard to tell. On top of all this... I've recently discovered how fluid a concept gender identity is, and am starting to feel something of an affinity for the non-binary umbrella, which doesn't make life fun in such a gender-obsessed society. And I think I'm demisexual, which is another deal entirely. Plus I think I have just a little bit of anorexia - I'm eating a little bit less than usual, but mostly just feeling really guilty. One of my friends might be bipolar and/or BPD, so I'm pretty worried about her as well.

I'm just trying to figure out what's going on in my brain. There are so many things which kind of fit me that I can't tell where one ends and another begins, or what's just symptoms of one thing which also happen to be symptoms of something else. The thought of living the rest of my life like this is unbearable, but if I do have Asperger's, which is probably the root of everything else, I don't have much choice. I've been fighting with everything for so long, and now I'm finally out of energy. I know I should probably get help, but I don't want to have to try and get rid of however many conditions I have, I just want to curl in a ball and cry, because depression can be strangely comforting. I can't do this anymore. I don't think I can cope with my complete mess of a brain, but it's all I've got.

Asking for help,

Jack

[white knight]

Hi Jack welcome.

Its true that as individuals our mental illnesses can have a "crossover" effect, that we could have a little of one illness and a little of another.

However this is conformation that we should get a proper diagnosis in the first place and even a second opinion.

The risk of guessing not only from the patients view but from a non professional view is high in that ones imagination can run riot. Feeling anorexic is a good example when you are merely eating less than you should.

IMO you seem over worried about all these topics. Worry can be a mentally destructive thing.

Get a proper diagnosis

Don't guess you have a condition

You can't care for others until you care for yourself

Accept whatever illness you have as just being you.

Don't forget to live life and enjoy it

Motivate yourself

Google: Topic: 30 minutes can change your life- beyondblue

Tony WK

[Gruffudd]

Hi there Jack,

It definitely sounds like there is a huge amount of information and ideas going around in that brain of yours. There is nothing wrong with that, it just needs sorting out which is what happens. It took time but things really did get better for me.

The depression and the anxiety, I'm not sure there any one answer but there are things that help. Exercise, a long walk is great and gets me away from the people that I get cranky with, friends, and drawing. I go and talk to someone outside of my situation like a psychologist. I'm British and believe that complaining is a basic human right too.

So lets talk about sexuality and gender. You are right about it being tough in a society that is obsessed and I think that around year 9 and 10 people are even more obsessed. The other thing is that being non-binary there are going to be a huge number who don't have a clue what you are talking about or think it is weird. That is about them and not about you. I identify as genderqueer and tend to tell people I am gay because they know what that is. It really helped me when I figured out that just being me is the most normal thing. Make sure you pop into the gender and sexuality forum, you are most welcome and we don't mind any questions or discussions. If you want to please let us know if you have a preference for particular pronouns or perhaps you just like Jack.

So on the food/anorexia thing. Please don't ignore it. If you need to go and talk about the guilt or grief, please try. If nothing else there are good listeners here. I think I have used food against myself a little cos' of body image worries that come out of being genderqueer. I don't think it has done me any good and not looking after diet makes the mental health harder to handle.

Aspergers, cool. What it means is that you have a different pattern to your thoughts, your senses might be better, you like things to be a particular way, and you are really good at a few things because of it. I have friends with Aspergers who I want to have in my life forever because of who they are.

To sum it up. I like that you are different to others. It makes you more interesting to be around because you can see and do things others can't. Gender and Sexuality are part of who you are, I agree it can be a bit confusing but you are not alone and it gets better as you get older. I have a similar identity and am happy to talk and listen. Keep moving, eat well, and do the stuff you enjoy.

Rob.