I can't do or remember a lot during my days anymore

[Willow_444]

Hello! I don't know exactly why I'm here or what I'm even doing in general. I guess I just want to talk. I feel like I'm really bad at communicating in general so I'll try to list things.

1. Halfway through this year I started zoning out a lot, I'd stop typing essays and assignments and play with my fingernails for two hours. I feel really detached and unable to properly do a lot of things I used to tackle easily like study, packing and preparing meals.

2. I don't sleep a lot anymore. Because I'm so behind in my work I'd try to stay up late, fall asleep at 2am then wake up at three hours later and try to fall asleep again.

3. I cry a lot now. A lot of the times without any emotional or physical triggers. Sometimes when my parents say or do things that are a little insensitive. This used to happen only when I was alone but now these sudden crying bouts hit me out of nowhere, even when I'm driving, and I have to excuse myself from a social situation or just go quiet and hope I don't burst into tears.

4. I've already talked to my parents about my feelings about medical school (they wanted me to be a doctor), mental health and things that stress me out but they don't seem to have heard me or they just don't seem to care. There are things that they say which make me feel very uncomfortable, more so now than it did when I was a kid because I feel I have a better understanding of their meaning now? Things like 'depression is for people who aren't busy enough' and 'depression is an excuse' and 'you better not be lesbian.' A lot of this is said in a joking manner but... I think they really do mean it.

5. I've begun to attach myself to really cute/pretty/aesthetic looking things, like old childhood plushies and cute hairclips and earrings and stuff. I don't know if this is relevant at all to my more negative emotions but these things calm me and distract me.

6. I only feel happy when hanging out with close friends (none of which I can see very regularly) and doing sports. I'll be competing for my country in next year's university games and I like to sweat things out and exhaust myself.

What do I do? I want to get out of whatever this mood is I'm having. I'm almost always really upset and irritated with myself now. I feel like I've tried everything to improve (such as making my study notes look cute and neat. Actually does work in terms of memorising) but it only improves my mood for a short span of time. I don't want my parents to think I'm weak or attention-seeking.

[rlo]

hi there,

i'm so sorry you're feeling like this and i'm sorry your parents aren't there to help or understand what you're going through either.

could you be going through a bit of stress? maybe it triggered all these negative feelings. it seems there's a lot of pressure on you to conform and succeed in your parents eyes.

you have worth beyond this world and it will take some time to understand that on your own and without your parents' opinions.

i'm no expert in mental health but it seems like an issue that would be important to check out with a doctor or if you can't do that even with a school councillor? it seems like a scary and very revealing thing to do but it is their job to make you feel safe and comfortable in the school environment and at home too.

just try to not risk your mental and physical health by overworking yourself. sometimes it's just difficult to learn at different stages of life and that is completely okay. maybe try to talk again to your parents, but instead read out this list or one similar to it. they just want what's best for you.

sending love and happiness your way.

[_ItsTheSecondAlex_]

Hi Willow

Glad you're here. A lot of people are definitely willing to talk to you now that you've reached out. I, for one, can relate a lot right now and have some advice that might help.

I'll list things too (because we all know it's much easier to get our thoughts down this way)

1. Not being able to do anything properly anymore, or not being able to focus on anything, has been me for the past month or so. (Not going to lie, replying to this right now is me procrastinating on an assignment, hah). Sometimes I would just stare at my screen for an hour before my timer goes off and I realised I only wrote a sentence. It's like, you don't feel bothered, or can't feel bothered, to do anything? I have yet to overcome this, but a good thing to do is set yourself goals and alarms, or put on some music to help you focus.

2. For the crying, it could be hormones, anxiety or just being emotionally spent. You've exhausted your emotions to the point where anything makes you cry, or you're too emotionally tired to be bothered with anything and/or focus. This goes hand in hand with the sleep. I think all of these problems are linked; not focusing on work means less sleep which means emotionally/mentally spent.

3. This is probably relevant to everything that's going on. As with me, whenever I become extremely lonely I find some fandom to fall into/some celebrity to fall for. I guess for you, you need these aesthetic things to provide an emotional response? I'm no expert but these sudden attachments or obsessions for me are usually always a result of a depressive period.

4. You sound like you need a break from all this stress, but I know how hard breaks are to come by when there's always something due around the corner.

5. With your relationship with your parents, that's hard. I wish there was an easy way to solve this, but I'm yet to find one. I'm not going to be one of those people who say "I'm sure that they love you", because that does nothing to help, and I know how hard communicating can be.

6. Exercise and sports are good. They definitely make a difference in emotional, mental and physical wellness. Keep up your sports because they can be a refreshing break from your studies and issues.

Hang in there, and do those little things that make you happy until you can have a break from all this. I'm sorry I couldn't help more, but I'm going through the same, so we can both try and find ways to break this cycle that leaves you feeling horrible.

We love aesthetics.