Feeling a bit lonely

[ToSomeFortune]

Hi everybody

I guess I just wanted to share how I'm feeling at the moment. (Also just a brief intro I'm a girl and in year 12!)
Recently some big things happened in my best friend's life and she told everyone in our friend group/social circle except me. And it kind of got me thinking. Like my friends tend to make a lot of plans without me or have these like long conversations about all this stuff going on like boys and relationships and things- and I just kind of sit in the background I guess?

I'll find out all this big news like "hey the first time I had sex..." And this is not news to anyone else and they're all nodding along and I sit there like "what when did that happen? When did you start dating someone?"
Like I'm so far out the loop it's tragic. And I'm still their friend and we'll sit in class together and chat but nothing important. Like my friends have kind of jokingly said "hahaha oh yeah all we talk about is like what song you discovered yesterday or the book your reading, etc" and I just wonder how and when I became such a insignificant part of their lives.

Like I tell them big things, things that embarrass me or make me nervous and it's a one way conversation. I always initiate conversation, I always make the plans. And sometimes I wonder if they'd notice if I was gone? Like I can sit next to them in silence and they wouldn't bring me into the conversation. And I think that's the loneliest I've ever felt. Being surrounded by people who are the closest to you in the world and feeling like you're not that important for them?
I've noticed this a couple of times across the years but I'm loud and I chat and I never think it over too much because I can put myself in the conversation or make plans, etc. But it became really obvious to me over the last couple of days, and I think I'm just tired of trying so hard to be included. I think it really shouldn't be such an effort to be noticed by people who have been your best friend's for years? Like surely at this stage it should be easier?

But yeah basically that's it and I just needed to share and I didn't have anyone to share with because, unfortunately, the people I usually share stuff with are the ones I'm complaining about 😅

[Nurse_Jenn]

Hi there ToSomeFortune,

Welcome to the forum and good on you for venting your feelings here. It can be so hard to feel on the edge of a trusted friend group. I am sorry you are feeling so lonely. This can happen even when you are surrounded by lots of people. Loneliness doesn't always mean you are alone, sometimes its when you have people all around you but aren't feeling heard or cared for.

I wonder if you have talked to anyone about how your are feeling like a family member or friend outside of this group? Sometimes this can really help. Talking it out with someone you trust or even a counsellor can really make a different. You could even try the KidsHelpLIne on 1800 551 800.

Sometimes people don't notice other peoples distress especially if they are not paying attention and if you are good at hiding it and then things just carry on and on. It sounds like this is really distressing to you and that finding a strategy to help you feel more connected with your friend's is important. Plus trying to fit in all the time sounds exhausting. You have said that this has happened in the last few days. I wonder if today things are any better?

Another step you could try is to talk to a counsellor. You could reach out at your school counsellors office? Right now it sounds like you are tolerating this situation but if it goes on for a lot longer, things could feel worse. Having someone to talk to sooner than later could help improve your situation more quickly.

I hope you find some comfort here on the forum. Please tell us how you go this week if it helps to write. We are listening.

Nurse Jenn

[SarahZ]

Hi @ToSomFortune,

Thanks for reaching out on this forum! This sounds like a challenging situation to be in and must be more frustrating to deal with being in year 12.

I've also been in similar situations where I feel excluded with friends that I deem as my 'closest'. I think taking a few days to sit with your emotions is helpful. Give yourself permission to feel irritated, annoyed, upset, and lonely. But then reflect on your friendships and ask yourself: " do my friends make me more happy or sad?" and " do my friendships reflect what is important for me?".

Remember that you get decide how much people's rejection affects you - do your friends deserve that much power to make you feel like this?

It is helpful to evaluate whether your friends are really worth your time and investment. If you find yourself feeling more upset than happy with your best friends, they might not really be your best friends after all!

If you're comfortable with it, try talking about this with your parents, a sibling, or other close, trustworthy friends. Reaching out to someone to discuss your feelings will not only help alleviate some emotional burden, but also make you feel connected in what I'm sure is a tough and confusing time for you.

Wishing you all the best x

[yellowkiwi]

Hi ToSomeFortune!

I definatly feel what you're going through. I used to be in a group. We used to have fun and be good friends, but overtime (I think it was about 2 and a half years) I felt like they didn't really care about my friendship. I let anxiety get the best of me, which made it worse. It was little things like I couldn't sit at the table in class because there was never enough room for me or I would try and start a conversation it just wouldn't go anywhere. I was really sad and no-one really seemed to notice. They just seemed to get closer and if one of them had a problem with me, they all did.

Then I made the decision to move groups to one where I had a couple of close friends. Only one person from my old group seemed to care (I'm still close with her!) and I knew I had made the right choice. If you decide to do this, especially if you are already a few years into high school, you may feel a bit left out at the start if the group is pretty solid, but in time, if it is the right group for you and you make an effort, hopefully everything will work out as it seems to be doing for me.

If your friends don't care for you even when you make an effort, they shouldn't be called your friends. You always deserve good people in your life! This doesn't mean that your old friends aren't "good", you may have just grown apart or seen different sides of each other.

I hope everything works out for you! Good luck for the rest of the school year!

[Lil_b]

Hi ToSomeFortune!

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.

I wanted to reply to your post, as it reminded me a lot of myself towards the end of high school. Friendships, and our selves change rapidly within this age bracket, and I really want you to remember, that as awkward and as uncomfortable as it may feel now, it is so unbelievably normal to out grow and move on from frienships.

I don't think many of us post high school would have the exact same friends anymore, I for one was apart of a huge big typical girl group, and just like yourself we grew apart during year 12, and I now am connected to just one of them. But there isn't anything wrong with that! It simply highlights you are evolving and changing your values, maybe 15/16 year old didn't notice the depth of conversation, but now 17/18 year old you does, and that is awesome!

It is so important to remember this has nothing to do with not being good enough for these friends, and it also doesn't mean they are bad people either. What you are facing is super normal for your age and you should feel proud you are living your life consciously and are aware of the friendships and people around you. Sounds like you know what you are about (which believe me I did not at 18!) and that is a beautiful quality to hold.

Keep your head up and focus on studies!

All the best. L xxx