Developing myself

[Lyssaa]

Hi everyone,

Something that I've struggled with for a while is being by myself. In high school, I spent all of my spare time studying or surrounding myself with other people, so I didn't have that many hobbies and didn't get a chance to develop myself that much. I also have struggled with anxiety and depression since late high school, and continue to struggle with this as a third year university student. I find that now, when I have free time, I don't know what to do- I either try and fill this time up by talking to my friends or my boyfriend, or by trying to do more uni work or socialise, because I don't know what to do with myself. This has been a habit for years. It's also led to me feeling like I've become co-dependent on my boyfriend, and I don't want to smother him, especially since he is a really busy person. I recently realised that I'm jealous of him, because he has a life and interests outside of me, whereas I feel like my entire life revolves around other people. I don't want to become a controlling and smothering girlfriend, and I don't want to feel like I don't have my own identity anymore. I know that I need to start by being more selfish with how I spend my time, and making decisions revolved around what I want to do and not what anyone else wants me to do, but I don't even know how to start this and how to stick with this. Does anyone have any advice for me, or any kind of support and encouragement that they can give me?

[Sophie_M]

Hey Lyssaa, 
 
Thank you for sharing how things have been going for you lately. It sounds like you are self-reflective and interested in self-improvement and growth, often it's common that many students feel this way in trying to figure out who they are and what they enjoy after years of non-stop studying so know that you aren't alone in this experience.

It also sounds like you are incredibly caring with your friends and boyfriend but sometimes need to take a step away to figure out what it is you want. You could view this as an exciting opportunity to engage in some self-care, maybe schedule some time for yourself each week to try a new activity by yourself or take up journalling which can give you some 'me' time. Some of our community members have previously mentioned taking themelves on a 'date' (i.e. going to see a movie alone or going for a meal by yourself).

We can hear you've dealt with anxiety and depression in the past, for difficult moments please know that the Beyond Blue counsellors are here for you and would welcome your call or online chat, any time it would help you to speak to someone.  
 
We’re sure you’ll hear from our community soon, but in the meantime here’s a few of articles we thought you might like. We’re hoping some of them can bring you a bit of hope or new ideas: 

• Fun activities to do on your own 
• Finding your tribe 
• I know I need support, but how do I ask for it? 

It is wonderful that you have been able to reach out for support here on the forums. You never know who might read this thread and feel less alone in their own experience.  

Kind regards, 

​​​​​​​Sophie M 

[therising]

Hi Lyssaa

I suppose the question could be 'What facet or facets of myself do I want to begin developing independently?'. Kind of like if you imagine yourself to be multi faceted, pick a facet. I know, easier said than done.

If you want to bring the researcher in you to life, could be a matter of what you'd be most interested in researching. Could involve how people mentally tick, physically tick or how they work on a more soulful level. Overall, it's about researching different forms of human nature. If you want to bring the independent adventurer in you to life, what adventures would interest you? Googling 'Adventures to do alone' could offer a few ideas. Personally, I love going to the movies alone at times or going out for lunch alone with a good book. While they're not major adventures, they're still enjoyable. It's about adding ventures. If you want to bring the interior decorator in you to life or the yoga practitioner or the thrill seeker etc, there are ways. So, with so many facets of you lying dormant at the moment, champing at the bit to come to life, take your pick. Whether you try things a few times or you want to fast track your self development by giving things a single try, I think it can be a matter of getting a feel for what floats our boat and what doesn't. 'That feels joyful. This feels exciting. These things feel calming. These feel completely boring and those feel thoroughly intoxicating' etc. Maybe it could even be about bringing the feeler in you to life, while you develop gaining a feel for what works and what doesn't.