Almost on the verge of exploding

[TheGirlWhoWaited]

Hey guys

Well, I'm sort of new to the forum, I actually signed up last year but today's my first day posting because I get anxious at times asking for help. Anyways watch out because I am about to start unloading my worries 🙂

Year 12. This is pretty much self explanatory, but this year so far has been the most mentally challenging for me, not just because this is the most academically hard year of highschool. Well ever since moving from primary school (literally the last place I felt happy) to highschool, I swear I've been feeling myself slowly crumble everyday and I am struggling to find stable support at times. I have social anxiety, and as a result depression has decided to visit me every now and then too (usually with a batch of cookies that taste like ruins of my sanity). I used to see a psychologist about this, but unfortunately my dear mother decided against it last year, and I feel my school counsellor does not assist me whatsoever. There is no support at home, besides my brother who I barely see anymore... which absolutely breaks my heart and sometimes triggers my sad moods. I struggle to express my feelings both in writing and out loud, and it upsets me that I always feel that I have met no one in this entire planet who completely empathises let alone understands how I feel.But what about my friends? Well... I have gorgeous friends that I would't trade for the world. However, I have no close friends (dead serious, none at all -this makes me feel horribly lonely at times) that I can completely put my faith and tell all my feelings to. This is probably because I already have a close friend called social anxiety who doesn't like talking to people. I am known as the "quiet one" and I hate hate hate it, which I know takes huge chunks out of my self-esteem. This also stops me from being able to relate to my friends properly, or make new friends (plus the fact that making friends is harder compared to primary school). My mental health issues + stressing out over the horrors of year twelve = total hell. And like I said before I feel like I am crumbling everyday and on the verge of exploding. I'm starting to cry a lot more, and the smallest things set me off into either a very raging person or into days of endless sadness.

It would be great if you could help, or at least a simple sentence asking me to keep my chin up- sometimes, I feel like I'm the only person in the world encouraging myself whenever I see my reflection.

[Wafflestine]

Yeah, Year 12's a monster of a year. Everyone going to feel the effects of it one way or another. I guess the most important thing right now is for you to keep expressing your feelings, while it might seem hard at first eventually it'll get easier. That's not to say it'll be easy but if you try to break down your emotions and keep it simple you should be able to get to the bulk of the issue. For example, if something made you feel down, write about it. You seem to be very expressive from what you've written down so I think that this will be a good method with making it easier to express yourself. With your friends, not many people have friends that close that they can talk about these private issues with. That kind of bond comes with trust, and trust comes with time. As long as you keep in contact with them you will eventually gain that trust and the bond between you and your friends will strengthen. In the meanwhile you can always post on these forums, or use the chat feature whenever you feel like you need to vent a bit. It's anonymous and you can say whatever you want, so use it whenever you feel like it. I'm sorry to hear about your lack of support at home. But I hope you can find a way to compensate for that. Just keep talking, Keep venting and try to give yourself time to relax and reflect on your day. Hell, if you want you can even reflect on how great you were that day.

Social anxiety is a very annoying, it really stops you from doing a lot of stuff and it makes you feel very awkward. The only way I've heard to deal with it is to try to ask open questions to make friends. Make them do the talking and then you'll eventually be comfortable enough with them to talk. But i guess in more crowd based scenarios your best bet is to stick with a friend or go out of your way to get into a conversation where you might be able to say something of value. I honestly recommend a relaxation routine as it did help me a lot and it's good to get into a good habit such as mediation,etc. It might help or it might not help with the anxiety, but if you can go into a situation calm you should be able to get through it. Also realize that there is no right response in a conversation, but that's something thats easier said than done. I really only stay around the people I know and the people they know and I'm lucky that it has worked so far but I hope you the best in your endeavors.

Thanks for your post on my thread as well.

[ahw309]

Hi TheGirlWhoWaited!

Thank you for sharing your story!! It takes a lot of courage to, and your post is really well written!

I'm in year 12 this year too, and I also have social anxiety and have quite a bit of experience with depression, so I can understand a lot of how you must be feeling. I've been known as 'the quiet one' for basically my whole life! It can take away from your self esteem, but I've kind of learnt to embrace it a little - I'm quiet and there's nothing wrong with that!

It's great that you've seen a psychologist and school counsellor, but it's a shame the counsellor doesn't seem to be helping much. When you were seeing a psych, was it helping? And do you think there is any way your mum would agree to you going to see one again?

Year 12 is not an easy year for everyone, but you are so strong and you can get through this!!

[TheGirlWhoWaited]

Hi Wafflestine,

Thankyou so much for taking the time to respond, I really appreciate it, more than chocolate. I will try to take on the things you suggested, they sound like great ideas that I am looking forward to have a go at- especially what you wrote about reflection. What you also wrote about trust has definitely given me an insight on my situation, I agree, trust is important towards having a great bond with someone. Again, thank you for replying! Just seeing the replies has brightened my day in many ways. Likewise, I also hope all will be well soon with your future.

[TheGirlWhoWaited]

Hello ahw309,

Thank you so much for responding, it is uplifting to know that someone understands, or shares similar experiences with me. I think I will try to embrace being quiet a little, I guess it is hard at times to accept that's the way it's supposed to be. It definitely did help seeing a psychologist, I progressed a lot. But ironically when we finally found the main cause of my issues, mum stopped my sessions- and unfortunately I doubt I'll be able to go back until I've moved out.
Thank you again for your advice, I appreciate it so much! You know, I once read this article which said that quiet people have the ultimate power for world domination, so if you're interested... (jks, I'm way too much of a goody two shoes so you have to go on without me)

All the best for you this year too.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi TheGirlWhoWaited,

Welcome and thanks for posting! I'll try and provide some support but I'm not sure if I can add much to what's already been said - such great advice from Wafflestine and ahw309.

Year 12. Two very awful words sometimes. You're not alone in this, and I can see that you have so much insight already into how you're feeling and what's going on for you. I think that it's such a strength. I also think that you're quite witty if I may say so - the depression being the cookies that taste like the ruins of your sanity. Are you like a poet? Because that was quite intelligent. You said that you have trouble expressing your feelings but you've done so brilliantly. Sometimes writing can be incredibly helpful. I would definitely encourage you to write more - whether that's here in the forums, or in a journal. I've kept journals for years and found them super helpful in dealing with stuff.

I agree too that close friendships come with lots of trust. There is nothing wrong with feeling like the quiet one. You just be you. Sometimes going from 'just friends' to 'best buds' can often start really small - like just sharing a little bit more of you. It doesn't have to be big, but if you share things with the right person you never know how that might go?

I'm sorry your mum didn't let you see a psychologist anymore. Is that something that's important to you? Once you get a certain age you can see them without your parent's consent. Or maybe you could talk to your mum about seeing them - ultimately you can decide - and if you don't want to talk about certain things then that's okay too.

I'm also wondering if it's possible to see the school counsellor again. I know you said it was unhelpful but sometimes they aren't really sure what you need or how to help - or even if you don't see them, maybe there is another teacher or staff member that you would feel comfortable talking to?

Oh, and finally - keep encouraging yourself. I love what Wafflestine said about reflecting on how great you were that day. I know other people suffering with depression keep vision boards, or even just quotes or little mantras on their phone. Or you could follow inspiring accounts on FB or Instagram - whatever positivity that you can find bring it into your life.

[TheGirlWhoWaited]

Hi romantic_thi3f,

Thank you so much for replying to my post, it means the world to me that there are people out there who are willing to help out. I think I may have to rethink what I said about struggling to express my feelings through writing, both you and Wafflestine said it seems to be my strength (thankyou by the way). Although, I still feel that I need to work on talking to other people, and saying how I feel out loud. I think that's where seeing the school counsellor again fits in? I guess I could try again, maybe this year it'll be different.

I like your idea of a vision board and following inspiring accounts, and I will definitely take that on for daily inspiration and positivity for my sad days. I actually keep a photo of a future holiday destination on the lock screen of my phone to remind me that I can go there after Year 12. But sometimes I think it doesn't feel like enough and I need outside help to create better days. I will look into to see whether I can see a psychologist by myself, I just have concerns about pricing and transport.
Thanks again for taking the time in reading my concerns and responding- it really does mean the world to me a million times over! Like ahw309 and Wafflestine, I hope you know that caring, even for a little bit has definitely made a difference in my life 🙂

[ahw309]

Hi again TheGirlWhoWaited,

I agree, it is really nice to have people that understand a lot of your thoughts and feelings!

I'm glad to hear the psychologist did help before! As romantic_thi3f said, once you reach a certain age (I think it's 16) you can see one without a parent's consent. With pricing, I'm pretty sure if you see your GP they can refer you to a psychologist under a plan where you can get 10 free sessions. I'm not 100% sure if I'm right, you'd have to check that out. 🙂

As well as a psychologist or school counsellor, if there is a teacher or friend or someone that you trust and think you would feel comfortable opening up to, that may be good too! I have a teacher who I talked to when I was in a really bad place, and it helped so much and I am so grateful for it!

With social anxiety, I've started to try and expose myself a little to situations I am a bit uncomfortable with (eg. certain parties and events, volunteering opportunities) and despite how frightening it sometimes is, I think it's helped quite a bit! Also one thing I've noticed with anxiety in general is distraction can be a really helpful thing, as long as it isn't distraction to avoid the problem. I remember once I went to a shopping centre with my mum and sister and I was feeling particularly overwhelmed by my social anxiety, and was panicking. But my sister started talking to me about something, and even though talking to her was the last thing I felt like doing, once I got more into the conversation, I felt so comforted by her and my anxiety levels dropped a lot! I've also found some apps or simple games to be a good distraction when I'm feeling anxious at times.

Thank you for your grateful reply and good wishes!

World domination? Maybe I should start looking into that... hahaha!!

[Narniakid]

Hey TheGirlWhoWaited,

I applaud your courage for opening up to us and seeking help. There's not much I can add in terms of advice, because the other users have done a great job, but I just want to give you my support. School was one of the hardest times for myself and I can completely relate to where you're coming from, I remember writing the exact words when I was in your shoes. I want to let you know that it will get better. Unfortunately, when you're in school, everything seems a thousand times worse when things go wrong because you have to face the same faces and the same routine day after day. There's so much judgement and expectation and it's terrifying at times.

It will get better. It DOES get better. Once you're out of school and you're off doing your own thing and your friends are too, the stress will lift and everyone grows up a bit and matures and things get a bit easier. I know you're strong enough and brave enough to get through this rough patch, because you've got wonderful times ahead.

Crystal

[TheGirlWhoWaited]

Hi Crystal,

Thank you for the encouraging words, they have helped with that hopeful feeling. It actually makes a lot of sense what you mentioned about how things feel a thousand times worse because we see the same people and live the same routine everyday during school. I think this is a large contributor towards how I'm feeling sometimes. It takes a brave person themselves to let others know they are brave too, so thank you for that, and thanks again for the support, much appreciated 🙂