When do you stop giving a crap?

[Allthattheywant]

Married 10 years, been together for 20. No kids, I have a good job that I do well at, I spend a lot of time at work - I feel good there, valued and like the crazy busy work load, BUT I’m starting to struggle with keeping my mind in check. My wife is, let’s just say a very vocal person. She loves to drink. She drinks a lot. She drinks till she can’t walk and passes out. I often find her lying on the floor outside or in the bathroom. When she starts to drink I try to avoid her as I will cop a mouthful of insults and swearing and lately she is starting to hit me. Also if we are with people she will degrade me and say things about me that is embarrassing. It’s like she wants people to know that I am some piece of crap. I hardly drink and don’t take drugs. I think I try and live a good balanced life, but when do you say enough is enough? We have talked about her alcohol and she blames me. She says I do nothing around the house and hardly cleans( we have a maid?!?). I have not ever cheated on my wife, but I’m always being ridiculed for it. I have begged her to stop the drinking and she just won’t. Last night was the worst. I woke up to a noise and saw her lying on the bathroom floor choking. I ran and picked her up, held her over the basin. She vomited toothpaste water. She was so drunk that she passed out whilst gargling mouthwash. I can’t deal with this anymore and nothing we talk about is ever seen through. Is it me? Am I to old school and believe that things will come right?!? If I leave her she will most probably die.

[White_Rose]

Dear Allthattheywant

Welcome to the forum. This is a hard situation to be in and I am deeply sorry you are struggling. Having an alcoholic partner is very difficult. I admire you for trying to help her.

The question is when do you stop giving support and attend to your own needs. It's not wrong to care for yourself and in fact you need to care in order to help your wife. Trying to talk to her was a great idea but the outcome was not a surprise. Once someone has gone this far down the road it is a long way back and your wife needs more help than perhaps you can offer.

Alcoholics Anonymous can help but your wife needs to attend the meetings and go through the 12 step program. Does she deny she is an alcoholic? Until she understand her drinking there will be no change. Al-Anon is a support group for the family members of alcoholics. This is their website https://www.al-anon.org.au/ They also have information that may be useful for you. Look on the AA website also. https://aa.org.au/

Do you have a family doctor who could advise you? It would be helpful to you to talk with this doctor and I suggest you talk about getting some counselling for yourself. It is hard to manage on your own, hence the Al-Anon support group.

There are many people who write here and who know about being an alcoholic. I think some of these will also write to you. I do not know when it is time to live your own life away from your wife. It would be incredibly difficult to leave and know she may have a serious accident on her own. There are no easy answers. I hope others can give you better suggestions.

Mary

[therising]

Hi Allthattheywant

My heart goes out to you as you suffer through such torment. Whilst your torment of mental and now physical abuse is obvious based on what you say, your wife's torment is perhaps not so obvious.

I believe people will drink typically for 2 reasons, 1) they either like the taste and will have a few here and there or 2) they are using alcohol as a drug so as to change their mind to various degrees. When I say 'change their mind', what I mean is that they don't like the way their brain/mind is working without alcohol, a factor which can lead to addiction/dependency. Been there myself, some years ago.

After 20 years of being together, to say this is a tough call would be an understatement. Perhaps it is time to lay the cards on the table; tell her you're considering leaving. No one deserves to stay in an environment of ongoing abuse. Whilst your patience and compassion may have been exercised and strengthened through these upsetting times, there is not too much opportunity for evolution in such a situation, especially if it's not going to change. It becomes more about destruction than anything else.

An unusual suggestion but have you ever considered recording your wife's behaviour on your phone, including her having passed out on the floor? Of course, you wouldn't be sharing it with anyone other than her. Showing her this video, when she's sober, is one way of getting her to literally face how serious and destructive the drinking has become. If she was to say 'I don't want to look at it!' this would be an opportunity to say 'I want you to take responsibility and face the impact of your drinking, on both you and me. I want you to face what I have been facing for the past several years'. Some form of intervention/disruption regarding the addiction may have an impact. Whether it involves something like the recording or a group of friends or family members coming together, it's basically about disrupting her way of thinking ('Alcohol's not a problem in my life'). If she finally takes responsibility, supporting her through a constructive course of action may strengthen the relationship. If she does not, taking responsibility for yourself (leaving) will at least allow you to evolve.

You mention that if you leave your wife she will most probably die. Given that she drinks so heavily to the point of often passing out, if you stay and nothing changes the outcome may eventually be the same.

Take care

[Allthattheywant]

Thank you for your response. I have not thought of the video option. I will try this. It feels wrong though, but I agree that it might be what she needs. Thank you very much.

[Allthattheywant]

Thank you. I have registered with those sites. It’s not easy and I love my wife, but I can’t sleep anymore as I’m worried what she will do and she may need me. I appreciate the kind words and recommendations made. All taken on board and will work through this with guidance as suggested. Thank you very much.