Unsure if I still have any fight left in me.

ClearQuietness · ‎24-09-2019

Hello,

Can I start by saying, I understand that there is people out there with way bigger ploblems both psyhically and mentally than myself.

I've struggled with alcoholism my whole adult life, and as much as it affectd my life, I never did anything about it. This year it's all come crashing down as I knew it would. I've lost my wife and my beautiful kids because they had, had enough and last weekend I finally got caught Drink Driving. A few other things have gone south for me as well in the last few years which I tend to ignore or drink away.

I understand I have been caught in a depessive cycle which I have hid from everyone for as long as I can remember. I wanted to give up this morning but thought I would reached out to a friend. They were too busy and to be honest, I don't blame them, It's an uncomfortable situation for most people and I haven't been a great friend.

So here I am, fighting my mental demons, trying to find reason for anything good - then I found this forum and I've being doing a lot of reading. I've decided that my kids are worth more to me than alcohol. I truely hope I have the strength because one thing I know about acoholics we promise the world and deliver missery. The alternate is a extreme dark and closed off place and it's time I left that environment or I'm dead anyway.

Sorry for the rant, I didn't know where to go and it's help me by writing this down.

Brett

Birdy77 · ‎24-09-2019

Hello Brett,

I am so glad that you reached out today, first to a friend and now here, rather than giving up.

Sometimes we have to reach that rock bottom place before things become clear to us and we are woken up to what we need to do.

I love that quote: rock bottom became the solid foundation on which i rebuilt my life.

And you have so much to live for, so much that makes rebuilding yourself worthwhile.

I understand the call of the bottle and how easy it becomes to just drink away the problems. It can so easily get out of hand, and before you know it, things are a mess. I understand how overwhelming and scary this feels when you finally recognise how things are unravelling.

You have recognised that you've been in a depressive cycle - that's great. Now maybe you can take that step to get some help, some professional support? A visit to your gp will enable you to start a mental health plan and get the support you need to start fixing the things that have gone south.

Nothing is unfixable.

So glad that writing here has helped. Feel free to rant as much as you like.

You are amongst friends here.

🌻birdy

Soberlicious96 · ‎24-09-2019

Dear Brett,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and well done for reaching out.

I would like to start by telling you a little about myself; I too once had a big problem with alcohol. I lost friends, jobs and my dignity many times over. I broke promise after promise, moved house more times than I can count in an effort to find a 'geographical' cure ...... and then one day I made a BIG mistake at work, which cost the company a whole lot of money, and twelve people their jobs. And then the straw that really broke my back; my sister told me that unless I got my act together, that she would not allow me to see my niece and nephew again. That was when I reached out for help. And I can honestly tell you I have never looked back.

I went to my first AA meeting a few days after that interaction with my sister (in December 1996) and haven't had a drink since! This coming December, one day at a time, I will be 23 years sober!

If you have decided that you want a sober life, then let me also tell you that it is much easier to get and stay sober if you are hanging out with sober people. The 'big secret' is to not pick up the first drink one day at a time (each day after the other) and also, as a suggestion, to attend regular frequent meetings of AA. And trust me when I tell you that AA is full of people just like yourself; people who have lost licence's and families and jobs and a whole myriad of things in their life, but through the help and support of the fellowship and the program, have found themselves a whole new life. Just like I too have found and built myself a whole new life.

You can find your next nearest AA meeting by going to www.aameetings.org.au and if you would like to call someone to chat about what happens at meetings, the number to call is 1300 22 22 22 (1300 AA AA AA). You can also check out the main website: aa.org.au where there is more information about what happens at meetings, and lots of other stuff you may want to know about.

Anyway, once again, well done for reaching out. I do hope that helps a little, and if you have more questions or just want to chat some more about where you would like to go from here, please don't hesitate to ask.

Take care. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts. Regards, Mel. xo

Happilyneverafter · ‎24-09-2019

I applaud you for reaching out. I have been on the other side of this and it’s heartbreaking. My husband decided booze was more important than his children nearly 12 months ago and has disappeared. I spent many years desperately trying to help him, support him and begged his family too. At the end of the day he’s made his choice and will succum to his demons. His family enable his behaviour and see me as the bad one. Please reach out, it won’t be easy but for you children it will be worth it.

ClearQuietness · ‎25-09-2019

Thank you so much for your reply, Birdy. I probable knew this day was always going to come, but have been in denial - not anymore.

I'm not at rock bottom just yet, but I believe I am only one slip away from being there. The last few days have been challenging, and at times scary and many other emotions. I know this on me and I'm glad now, I made the choice to reach out though this forum, starting the process of rebuilding my life.

Again, thank you for the support, your words helped me think about the possibilities that no matter what is going on, most things are fixable.

Cheers,

Brett

ClearQuietness · ‎25-09-2019

Thank you for your reply, Mel. Hearing from someone that has been there and has overcome their demons was I admit a little overwhelming, but at the same time, inspiring.

Making that first step towards addressing my alcoholism has always been a bridge to far for me. Right now, I'm terrified about having a drink, as much as I really want to, only to take away the pain. Though not having a drink for a few day is a starting point, without professional help, it's not going to be long before I tell myself stuff it and hit the bottle again. As you understand, it's a daily struggle, but you can testify that's it's absolutely doable having been sober for 23 years...Congratulations on that!

Day by day - courage, support, strength and a passionate desire to win my kids back driving my commitment.

Thank you, Mel.

Cheers,

Brett

ClearQuietness · ‎25-09-2019

Your story has helped me put things into prospective. The damage that I was doing to my family was mostly in my blindspot. I could see my relationships breaking down, but thought it was their issue.

Hearing the other side has made me understand what kind of emontional damage I've done. I did the marrige counselling with my wife and thought I was great at hiding who's fault our struggling relationship belonged too. Since our separation, I've told her and the kids how sorry I was many times, but the trust was broken and I'll have to live with that. What I can't get my head around, and don't want this to sound like self pity, how or why some of us treat the people we love so deeply, so poorly.

Again, thank you fro your prospective. It has made me understand what my family was going through and as much as I'm hurting right, they are hurting as well and it wasn't their fault.

Cheers,

Brett

Happilyneverafter · ‎27-09-2019

Brett, you have taken a huge step forward. You have admitted fault. That’s wonderful and such a positive thing.

My husband will never see the damage he has caused, he will never admit fault, he will never apologise, he is still angry I kicked him out, he didn’t see his drinking as the problem, all he saw was me ‘trying to control’ him. It was scaring our children, it was putting us in dangerous situations, and costing us financially. This is what I have to accept and keep moving forward to be a positive role model for my children.

I have watched them be in pain and I didn’t have the answers to give them. All I could do was hug them and tell them I love them more than anything.

As for your family, trust can be restored. You sound like you really want to be a better person, and as long as you keep trying and moving forward, your actions won’t go unnoticed.

Take it one day at a time, even if it’s only two steps forward and one step back.

B_bear · ‎27-09-2019

Hi Brett

Thanks for sharing. I’m in a similar boat. I would be kidding myself if I said alcohol was not a contributing factor in my recent marriage breakdown.

If not already done make sure you see a GP. There are ones that specialise in substance abuse. I have not really gone down this path myself yet but have friends who have battled the booze, some say that medications can help if you feel the struggle doing it yourself.

You have a lot at stake but it sounds like you are moving forward. I wish you all the best.

Roshelle · ‎27-09-2019

I am really glad you recognise you have a problem and you are willing to change. My father was an alcoholic all of the time I knew him. It destroyed a lot of relationships, including one with his eldest daughter (my sister) who passed away 11 years ago. I think he regretted what he put her through, but he still kept drinking. He really broke my heart, so many times. He died in March, and I miss him heaps and I still need him. I am not telling you all of this to make you feel guilty. Just telling you I know what it is like from your children's side. Even if they are away from your behaviour it will still break their hearts to know you are suffering and doing badly. And they will be missing you. They need you.