tired and scared
I am typing this in my office. I have tears streaming down my face. I spent all yesterday in bed, paralysed. My girls started the new school year today, with one starting high school. She was very anxious as she is going to a school without any of her primary friends. I feel guilty I didn’t see them off or gave them a hug. I know Im rambling, sorry, I have had enough of these spirals into blackness. I feel so alone. When I get low my wife goes into shield the kids mode and self preservation. I understand this totally, but at the same time I am left to cope alone and in isolation.
What is point of me being around when all I am is a burden. The girls and my wife manage best when I leave them to it. I have struggled for too long, I no longer remember what being happy or even content feels like or looks like. I’m filled with resentment and regret. Life seems to always be – once this happens – I’ll be happy, Once this is done – things will be ok. The truth is I’m just chasing mirages. Some people are tall some are short, some have light skin some have dark skin. Some people experience happiness and some never will.
Wellcome to our forums!
Im sorry you are feeling this way… I understand it’s hard….
We are here to help you..
I went through a very long mental health journey… it really was a marathon… but during that journey I learned so much, I learned who I wanted to be as a person and I became aware of all the things that were keeping me in a negative spiral.
I decided that that for me to be happy I had to realise that happiness couldn’t be obtained outside of my self … happiness was obtained inside myself……..
I decided that every day I was going to decide to be happy…. How? I looked for everything that I was grateful for .. the simplest of things, I’d practice gratefulness every day and night, I’d practice mindfulness….. if I felt myself slipping into the darkness I’d re align and go outside and feel the sun on my skin, I’d look up at the beautiful blue sky I’d be grateful that I got to do these things…. I’d smile……….. I’d really look at my kids and be present…….. I’d look at them with fascination wow….. they were my kids and I’m so grateful………. A positive mindset is a powerful tool it can create positive emotions.
Anything negative in my mind…. I chose to forgive people ( for me) and I chose to let go of negative things that I held onto……. This will bring you peace..
I fed my mind with positive self talk….. I lifted myself up….
I changed my perception on things….. I believe that our thoughts create our reality so fill your mind with wonderful thoughts……. You get to put those thoughts in….
When you arrive home hug your daughters and ask them how their day was…. Be present and really listen…….
You don’t have to do this alone, we are here to support you……. 🙏 step by step
I see lovely Petal has posted and remarkably covered topics like positivity, a long road but a necessary transformation for you.
I'd like to also cover that and some of the points you raised. Get ready for homework! with links just need to read the first post of that thread.
- "I have seen many psychologists and counselors and have been on medication for at least 10 years" Great treatment but I wouldnt stop there. Time to move forward. https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/motivation-search-and-rescue-it-
- "I feel guilty I didn’t see them off.." https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/guilt-the-tormentor-
- "I feel so alone" https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/depression/depression-and-personal-goals#aH21kb6rZUuSqmDZGGyotw
- "I have tears streaming" https://healthyfamilies.beyondblue.org.au/seeking-support/helping-yourself-and-others/online-forums/depression/crying-a-gauge-to-our-mental-strength-
- "When I get low my wife goes into shield the kids mode and self preservation" Perhaps this is a good thing?
- "I have struggled for too long, I no longer remember what being happy.." Radical change needed maybe? https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/when-all-is-lost-what-can-you-do-be-radical- https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/when-all-is-lost-what-can-you-do-be-radical-how-measured-(part-2)
- "The truth is I’m just chasing mirages" Part of being radical is try something different. https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/inexpensive-recovery-idea---camping
- "Some people experience happiness and some never will." https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/the-best-praise-you'll-ever-get
I'm sitting here at 66yo, 2 kids, bipolar, depression etc brother, uncle suicided, me and sister attempted, and around 1996 after I left my toxic wife to survive life I set about finding happiness. I can tell you I found it around 2010 onwards but it took some research, bring out the inner strength and carry out all of the above in those posts.
But after all that, the homework isnt finished.The last link has links in it. I urge you to watch those short videos. Let me know what you think. This effort will help.