Hi Rob,
Welcome to Beyond Blue, and well done for reaching out.
Making a start in bringing about change is hard, but you know what? You've already taken what could well be the hardest step; you've not only recognized an issue, but you have actually acknowledged it, owned it, and are now doing something about it.
My next suggestion would be to perhaps try looking at what may have triggered you to push people away, and get onto the self-destruct path in the first place? I ask this because treating the cause could be as needed, and certainly helpful as treating the symptoms.
And as for being 'normal' ..... well, what is that anyway?! As you can probably tell by my username - Soberlicious, I am now a sober person ...... which means once upon a time I drank a LOT of alcohol and behaved in an 'abnormal' manner with each and every drunken episode. And I can tell you that when I first got sober (some 22 years ago now - have been sober since December 1996) I felt far from 'normal'. I felt raw and emotionally 'naked' and extremely vulnerable, without the anesthetizing effects of alcohol on my mind and body.
A wonderful lady that I looked up to a lot and who was a wonderful support to me in my early sobriety, once said to me that 'normal' is a cycle on a washing machine, and that no matter how hard I tried, I would never become a washing machine! ......
In regards to happiness, I tend to be of the opinion that it's a matter of perception and active participation, as in, what makes YOU happy, is the key. for example; some people really like going fishing and watching tennis. But if you asked me to do either one of the things, I am NOT gonna be happy about it. Instead of looking for, or seeking happiness itself, look instead for places, activities and people that bring you joy, peace and loving engagement.
Most importantly remember this; a problem shared is a problem halved. So keep sharing yourself here, and with other friends and family who are there for you and with you. And we here at Beyond Blue are here for you 24/7.
Hope that helps at least a little. Take care. xo
