Struggling with Gender Identity

[Chaoticgay]

I'm a fourteen year old (assigned female at birth) and I've been struggling with my gender identity for at least a year now. I'm nearly fifteen, and my parents have known about my struggle for 6 months. They said they accept me if I'm female or male - but they hope I 'stay' female. I have clinical depression and anxiety, for which I've been for 6 months. I've recently switched to homeschooling, and it's definitely helped my mental health. I've thought for a long time that I'm FTM, but my parents won't use my pronouns (he/him) or my chosen name, nor do I have access to a binder or any kind of therapist that could help me with gender identity. They refuse to listen and I doubt I'll be able to transition until I'm 18, unless a professional steps in. My parents had a talk with me a few weeks ago about how 'depression and hormones affect your decision making' and they were saying that I'm probably wrong that I'm trans, and I've just been influenced by the people around me. Do you think this is possible? I'm struggling a lot. I'd really appreciate advice. Thank you.

[Aaronsis]

Hi Chaoticgay

Firstly welcome to the forum, I am so very glad that you have reached out for some comfort, some clarity and some support during this time. I want to start by saying that I am a 45 year old straight woman so I have no experience with what your going through, however, I want to give you some support on this one and perhaps give you some perspective from your parents view point too.

I want to start by saying that I live by "gut instinct" that if you feel it to be true in your guts it probably is. I feel like knowing your gender, whether it be the one you were assigned to as birth or the one you feel you truly are instinctively is something your gut will tell you, The fact that you are upset by not being referred to as him or he and that when your chosen name is not used this bothers you I would tend to feel like this is not a phase or something your hormones are driving and that you do know who you are and that is male.

I am wondering how frank you have been with your parents in asking them to call you by your chosen name and referring to you as he or him? I think this is a conversation you can have with your parents and say to them something like "I hear what you are saying and that you feel like my gender identity is perhaps a phase or I am being influenced by my peers, I would like to let you know that I hear what you are saying but in my heart I feel and I identify as a male, could this change in the future..who knows but for today and for tomorrow and until I say otherwise would you please call me XX and would you please allow me to live as a male and by doing this would you please refer to me as him or he or by my chosen name". I dont think this is an unreasonable request to make at all and it will also show your parents some maturity on your part as well as the fact you are very serious and this is not a phase and you would like to be treated accordingly.

I think as parents when we hear, see or feel something is "outside of the box" with our kids we feel like we have done something wrong. You and I know this is not the case however your parents might be feeling guilt or like they have "done something wrong" in their parenting or in bringing you up. Try to keep that in mind and not to be so hard on them, it is tricky for them to get their heads around too.

Hope to chat to you some more and would love to know what you think about having this conversation and how it goes for you.

Huge hugs

Sarah

[Aaronsis]

I would also like to show you this article by Michelle Sheppard who is MTF trans. She has so much advice and knowledge and I hope this could be an interesting read for you and that you feel some support from this:

I have put the link to her linked In page as I think that this woman can provide you some of the support that you are looking for at this time in your life.

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/what-do-we-know-transgender-issues-michelle-sheppard?fbclid=IwAR3bQ3F86MEnuHG6C6RluRjLZR3vbbPVMmZi3jfPuqBaqRelxqhyMc6YqS0

I would love to know what you think and I hope that her words and her life story can help you in your journey to being you.

[Birdy77]

Dear Chaoticgay,

You are such a courageous human, and have an incredible amount of insight into your own experience of life!

Welcome here - i am glad you are reaching out.

It sounds like in some ways you have pretty supportive parents there, they sound quite open-minded and accepting, although maybe disappointing for you if they're not using your pronouns or chosen name ... have you expressed to them that this is important for you?

I think the point your parents made about hormones and depression affecting your decision making can be very true in lots of cases, not just your situation (depression and anxiety can cloud our judgement at times).

This is not to say that you are not clear about what is going on for you and that how you identify as FTM is invalid in any way whatsoever though.

It sounds like they just want you to be absolutely sure and clearminded about any big decision that you make in terms of transitioning?

How do you feel about this?

Can i suggest 2 places for you to seek some guidance and support? (as well as please come back here and talk some more, there are others in your position on the forums, and I'm sure they'll jump in and help).

One is:
The Gender Centre (gendercentre.org.au)
and:
Qlife (qlife.org.au)
... they specialise in trans, queer, gender-diverse and other lgbtqi issues and can definitely help to support you.

When you mention your parents saying people around you "influencing " you, what are your thoughts on this?

You are so welcome here and i hope you feel safe to come and talk some more.

🌻birdy