Not really sure where to from here

[Naturalwonder26]

Hi,

I'm a new member and I've never posted on something like this before, so please forgive my ramblings. I'm just having a really tough time at the moment and I'm not entirely sure how to get out of this hole I seem to be stuck in...

I've recently (within the last 4 months) seperated from my on again off again partner of 5 years. We had a very tumultuous relationship filled with plenty of hurt and pain. In the past I've really struggled with being on my own and I usually find solace in other people (e.g. going from partner to partner quite quickly attempting to forget). This is the first time that I've not had another "partner" as such to fall back on.

I've always felt a sense of emotional ambivalence towards my ex. There were some days were I could seriously hate everything about him, and other days where I was madly in love with him. Even though I felt like it wasn't right to stay, it also never felt right to be without him. I guess the optimist in me always hoped that one day it would just click, and I'm devastated that is hasn't. I've tried reaching out to him lately, but it's (obviously) been met with plenty of hurt and criticism.

This experience with my ex has kind of set the tone for my emotional state lately. I had to move home with my family when we broke up, and my home environment is just as toxic as the one I had with my ex. I'm also studying at uni and working part-time, so I'm entirely dependent on living at home. Lately I've just found myself becoming more agitated and upset day to day, and now I'm finding that I'm less interested in studying something that I'm usually quite passionate about. I'm not motivated, I can't focus on tasks at hand, and every day that goes by, I just feel more and more trapped by reality. I've been a smoke for 5 years and I gave up about 5 weeks ago (cold turkey). Last night I was so upset that I caved and had three cigarettes. Even knowing I couldn't do that has disappointed me immensely :(

I guess I just thought I'd be at a different point in my life then where I am now. It's really affecting my emotional wellbeing and I feel so stuck. I've tried counselling for my anger and sadness but it only helps so much. I feel positive and enlightened until something happens, and then I just feel worse than I did before.

I just don't know what to do anymore. Life feels pointless and I'm honestly just exhausted.

[Soberlicious96]

Dear Naturalwonder,

Grief is such an intense, and all consuming emotion, and really can feel like it has taken over your life. And those first few weeks after a break-up are of course, the toughest.

You mentioned that you have gone from partner to partner quite quickly in the past, yeah? I'm no expert of any kind, but I too have had my fair share of relationships, and have sometimes moved on from one to another quite quickly. In fact, when I got together with my current partner, it was only six weeks after breaking up with a previous partner. And one of my friends said to me that she thought I was moving on a bit too quickly. But that's her opinion, and I am actually more content with this man than I have pretty much ever been with anyone. And, while I'm at it, my ex husband had himself a new partner only six weeks after I moved out. (I did spend about 16 to 18 months on my own after we separated) He is now married to that woman, and I have no concerns about that.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that how fast or slow you move from one person to the next is nobody's business but yours .... and unless you are the one that is bothered by it, then it's not a problem.

But the other feeling I am getting from your post is that you do indeed struggle to be on your own at all, and that could be where the issue lies. If you are basing your own self-worth and identity on having a partner at all times and cannot be on your own at all, then maybe that's the thing that you need to look at. Like you said, you've now moved back in with your family and it's just as bad.

I know that one of my biggest self-defeating attitudes was the one where I used to always compare my insides to everybody else's outsides - including partners - and I always came off second best. It wasn't until I learned that the only fair comparison was to compare myself now, with who and how I used to be.

I started on a journey of recovery at the age of 26, not just from alcohol and drug abuse, but also from a traumatic childhood, and THAT is what I use now to propel myself upwards and onwards. It's been a long and arduous journey, let me tell you, but one that is SO worth it! Oh, and yes, I too was on and off the cigarettes many times, before I finally got off those as well.

Perhaps ..... and this is just a suggestion, you could look into what codependency is, and if that is the issue?

I don't know. but I do know I'm running out of space now, so I hope at least some of that helped. xo