Dear Infinity~
Welcome to the bb Forum. There's absolutely nothing to worry about in posting here. Everything is totally anonymous, and as a result a place where one can discuss things quite freely with others who have been down similar paths and want to help.
I'm afraid I can relate exactly to your words and phrases
... had a very bad anxiety attack... I'm letting the family down and feeling useless and no self confidence... ... I have not made his life great...my kids have seen me not good and I feel I have let them down...
Ok, I could go on but that's enough. I have chronic anxiety, have had depression, and PTSD. All your words were mine - I genuinely believed they were my own thoughts, all of them, and thought nothing would ever improve.
Well of course I was wrong. I found out - and you probably know this already - but depression skews a person's thinking. It altered all my thoughts into a black hopeless area. I'm now pretty good.
On top of that small towns are terrible in some ways, after living in one for 10 years I was still a stranger in one. It was only when my wife went into Cubs, then the local agricultural show, that things got better and people became more friendly. Basically we had to join in their activities to be accepted.
Being out of work is a soul-destroying situation for anyone. No income, rejected or ignored job applications, or simply no jobs to be had. It takes courage, fortitude and family support to get though. Terrible for feelings of self-worth.
From the sound of it your message your medication and treatment is not as good as it might be. May I suggest you write down how you feel, your current situation and anything else, no matter how frightening or embarrassing, and take it to a long consultation with your doctor. I say write down as I was never able to say everything properly off the top of my head.
The doctor may adjust your meds, put you on a health plan to the a psychologist, and there could be therapy and guided self-help. Perhaps then things might seem a little better.
Having a partner that stick with yu is gold. Hopefully he understands about your condition. If in doubt you can always ask him the read The Facts menu above where it deals with depression.
You mention family fights, or fights with our daughter, can yu say what about?
Please post again and say more about yourself and your life. All here will understand and care.
Croix
small town ..very clickyincluding the small country town.
