New life as a single mum and not dealing with it aswell as I thought.

[RoseToez]

Hi so I'm new here., I'm 29 years old. A few months back I broke it off with the father of my 2 boys who are 1 year old and almost 3 years old. About a month before that happened I was diagnosed with Bipola Type II. I was put on mood stabilizers antidepressants a bit later on. Their dad was diagnosed with PTSD as a result of his upbringing so I guess you could say it was tough for both of us trying to adjust to life on new medication. But then again it made me realise alot about how our relationship hadnt been workinf for a long time without realizing it. Anyway kids and I moved into our new place. I couldnt be happier, medication was working out well. But their dad rather then being the dad he would atleast try to be left it for long and longer stretches of time before hed see the kids, made a point he generally didnt care about spending time with them and just turned out to be down right difficult in the end for no reason what so ever. I never did any wrong by him except for the fact I didnt want us to be together anymore as a family because I was sick of our toddler seeing us fight. Anyway so I thought I had this new lease on life with a new beginning and was buzzing for the first month being in the house.. then I realised I was actually feeling really damn lonely. My mum and I are really close and shes my number one support.. we spend alot of time out of town at her place which is great to get out of the house.. but the problem is shes abit of a drinker. Well while going out there I started drinking more and more with her, when wed get tipsy wed both get dinner ready for the kids, get them ready for bed and have them in bed at their regular bed time so I didnt see a problem. Well after a big drink the next day the hang over would hit and I'd be riddled in guilt.. it just didnt feel right or fair that I might end up doing the same thing to my kids that my mum did to me growing up always being around it and having to deal with her hangover the next day. For my bipola I'm on antidepressants aswell as mood stabilizers.. and I swear one of them just makes me down the drinks really bloody quickly. Well today really hit me, I was in tears for a good hour just saying to myself this is it. I'm done. I cant do this to myself anymore. I rang my mum and confessed I have a problem.. All I need to do is concentrate on getting a good sleep and being positive for the kids because the meds are great it's the alcohol that's ruining everything.

[JessF]

Hello RoseToez, it's quite a journey you've been on. It's good that you've come to a realisation that the drinking has been a bit of a crutch for the loneliness you've been feeling, and that it's doing you more harm than good.

I wonder how the children are feeling about not seeing their father. Given what you've described of his troubles, his keeping away may not be that he doesn't care about spending time with the children, but that he feels like a failure as a father for not being able to keep a marriage together and be there for the children full time.

It sounds like you've both been through a great deal. Maybe being together isn't going to work out, but repairing this relationship and feeling like you both can have a role in parenting may go some way to making you feel less lonely.

[RoseToez]

Okay so he would be feeling exactly what your describing no doubt about it.. but that's not my problem. The last time I asked him when he wanted to make a regular thing of having them all he could say was he was too busy to spend time with them - he works 3 days a week, and that's only milking in a dairy, so that's not all day. that's 2-3 hours a day in total. So then I said to him your going to have to fit them into your schedual sooner or later then he told me that is BORING sitting at home with them and that all our toddler does is drive him nuts. This whole conversation come about because I had just come out of surgery from having my tubes tied and was struggling with the both of them, was a bit was hopeful he might help me out seeing he hadnt seen them for 3 weeks (and that was no fault of mine what so ever).. just after I'd said that he joked that I should stop whinging and it's me who wanted the surgery and deal with it. Since then I've decided its not upto me or my responsibility for him to be a dad to the kids. All his done is be utterly horrible to me. I even tried to explain to his grandmother about it but no one wants to upset him because all the women in his family have ever done is baby him and his uncle is why he has no respect where it counts or doesnt take responsibility. I just thought him not having a dad growing up wouldve made him step up more but I was wrong it's done the opposite.

[JessF]

You are right, of course, it's not your responsibility to baby him or make him be a good parent. As you said in your first post, letting go of that seems to have been a big weight off your shoulders. Drawing good boundaries for yourself is a very positive thing, just like you've been doing with recognising that your drinking had been a problem. How did your mother react when you told her?

[RoseToez]

She was supportive and understood where I was coming from, she drinks alot herself so I didnt want to make a huge deal of it being a problem as such, I just made it clear that I didnt want to drink again period and I guess saying it out loud to someone made it have more meaning. I have quit pot and cigarettes in the passed so this will be the last thing I need to conquer.