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dear Calming, can I say it's been too long for you to come to the site, and I only mean this in a nice way, but now I'm pleased you have joined us.
I understand what you are saying, and am terribly sorry about your marriage, so can I just ask you a quick question before I continue, and don't answer it if you don't want to.
Would there be any hope of the marriage suffering if all the appropriate help was in place, such as getting professional counselling, plus taking antidepressants (AD) so this could change the direction you are both experiencing.
To suffer for 40 years is way too long, it's agony, controlling and dictates your whole life by always having negative thoughts.
There is so much involved in what you have written in, and there are many questions which I would like to ask you, but perhaps if you like you can get back to us and explain some more detail. Geoff.
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Dear Calming
Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. This is a good place to write about your thoughts and experiences and receive some help and support from others who have traveled your road. While you are feeling so down it's a good option to phone the BB helpline. The number is 1300 22 4636 and is available 24/7. The people who staff this helpline can suggest strategies and give advice about you difficulties.
Having been diagnosed, are your taking any medication of receiving counselling from a psychologist or similar? I hope so as when you are severely depressed you need all the help you can get.
There are several very common symptoms with depression. One is to push away those who care about you, often on the grounds that you are a waste of space or a burden. Another is the desire to be alone because concentrating on anything is just too hard. Living day to day is extremely hard in these circumstances and often feels as though this is your life forever. It's not. You will see the light at the end of the tunnel, you will smile again and enjoy the love and comfort of your family. At this point I expect you are saying something like "it's alright for you, you're not here". And of course this true. But I have been there and I know the agony of it all.
The Black Dog is messing with your brain, telling you how hopeless you are. He needs to be trained to walk to heel and stay on his leash. This is your job. Demonstrate who's in charge. Work with your psych as openly as possible.
First step, how much do you know about depression? BB has heaps of information on the site. here is a link to that information. https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/depression
You can send for any of this information or download it to your computer. There is information for families and here is the link. https://www.beyondblue.org.au/resources/family-and-friends Again, send for whatever you want and give it to your wife and any trusted friends.
Telling your wife how you feel is important. Those who have not experienced depression have little idea how it works. So give her information and tell her what it's like for you. Your wife will find it difficult to help and support you if she does not know what it's all about. Also tell her what you would like her to do. e.g. listen to you, go for walks with you as exercise has an incredibly positive effect on any mental illness.
OK, enough for now. Please write in again.
Mary
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dear Calming, thank you so much for getting back to us.
It must have been a very difficult upbringing to where you are now, and I'm sure your days at school would have been difficult as well.
Obviously the marriage has been on a rocky road for quite awhile, and just by having children doesn't make any marriage or relationship just click, as there could have been many issues that the two of you didn't agree on, which does happen in every marriage, but problems in any marriage don't get settled and this is where the trouble begins, because they then add up and can become worse.
When we first see a psychologist nothing seems to comprehend, simply because our mind seems to block what they are saying, as it may seem to worthless, because there is so much going on in our mind it just adds to the rest of mumbo-jumbo, so firstly we have to like them and get on with them for us to even start to accept what they are saying.
The same applies with the AD's but in a different way, as there are so many different types of AD that so the first one or two may not have any effect, and this will feel annoying but eventually your doctor will find the one.
It took me about 6 or more AD before the one that suited me.
Probably the main problem you are thinking about is your marriage and what you want to do, either taking the kids or not, I know that you love them so again this is going to impound on you.
Hope to hear back from you. L Geoff. x
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Dear Calming
First of all I apologize for presuming you are male. I obviously did not read your comments properly which is not good.
Geoff has made a some good and relevant points about meeting with a psychologist. The first meetings are a little awkward. We tend to think the psych will make all our troubles disappear very quickly. Unfortunately they don't have magic wands. I wish. You have some long standing issues to address and these take time. So I hope you will find another psych or return to the psych you saw previously and start healing.
In therapy sessions we do learn to change our thinking and actions in relation to our various traumas and to develop coping mechanisms. What you cannot do is change yourself to accommodate other people. I have no idea how or why your husband wants you to change, but if it is just to benefit him then you will become resentful and the outcome will be unsatisfactory for both of you.
I hope you have had a chance to read the information on BB. Do get your husband to read some of it also.
Geoff has very wise words about problems in marriage and having children. He is also quite right about antidepressants. He is, in fact, a very wise person so I can do no more than urge you to think very carefully about his comments.
Mary
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geoff said:dear Calming, thank you so much for getting back to us.
It must have been a very difficult upbringing to where you are now, and I'm sure your days at school would have been difficult as well.
Obviously the marriage has been on a rocky road for quite awhile, and just by having children doesn't make any marriage or relationship just click, as there could have been many issues that the two of you didn't agree on, which does happen in every marriage, but problems in any marriage don't get settled and this is where the trouble begins, because they then add up and can become worse.
When we first see a psychologist nothing seems to comprehend, simply because our mind seems to block what they are saying, as it may seem to worthless, because there is so much going on in our mind it just adds to the rest of mumbo-jumbo, so firstly we have to like them and get on with them for us to even start to accept what they are saying.
The same applies with the AD's but in a different way, as there are so many different types of AD that so the first one or two may not have any effect, and this will feel annoying but eventually your doctor will find the one.
It took me about 6 or more AD before the one that suited me.
Probably the main problem you are thinking about is your marriage and what you want to do, either taking the kids or not, I know that you love them so again this is going to impound on you.
Hope to hear back from you. L Geoff. x
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Dear Calming
So sorry to hear of your marriage break-up. I'm sure it is hurting a great deal. As Geoff has pointed out, there are people worse off than us, but please don't put yourself down. Other people's problems are just that, other people's. You are the person that matters here.
What a triumph giving up smoking. That is enormous and I heartily congratulate you. It's great your doctor is helping you. How are you going with the antidepressants? Has your doctor considered referring you to a psychologist? You have so many issues to deal with.
I find it difficult to look in the mirror. At one stage I could dry and style my hair without looking at myself. Yes I am getting better, but it's been a long journey.
What do you think is wrong in your head? I don't want to play psychologist here, but I know from my own experience that formulating what I think is wrong is a good step forward. Talking to an experienced person can help here, and possible reassure you about your thoughts. Letting go is hard. You usually need someone to show you the way and that will lead to a more peaceful life.
It sounds as though your husband has been bullying you for a while with what you call picks at you. Add this to the abuse from your brother. Or perhaps it should be the other way round. Your brother's abuse followed by your husband's bullying.
This could be a useful topic to discuss with your doctor and perhaps work with a counsellor experienced in domestic violence. These sorts of things leave a lasting history and get repeated in subsequent relationships.
Just a short post to wish you well.
Mary
