New here. Hoping to learn about others experiences.

[Guest17]

Hi all, my name is Adam. I'm 42 and an aged care worker. I have just made the step of finally admitting to myself that I'm depressed. I'm not sure what I'm looking for by posting here.....maybe just to cleanse my mind a bit 🙂

Nobody is aware of my problem.....I'd be stunned if nobody suspected though. I tend to be the life of the party, and people keep telling me that I really seem to have it all worked out (which bothers me a lot - can only imagine how scattered THEIR minds are, lol). Until October 2012 I was a full-time carer for my grandmother who had Parkinson's Disease - it was a life-sapping experience incomparable to any other I've had, and in the process I think I forgot how to care for my own needs. The decision to be a carer probably typifies what goes wrong in my life....I have attracted partners who are needy and tend to use up my resources and then move on. I have a serious inability to handle abandonment, and constantly crave a feeling of belonging, which I am never able to find. I have zero friends that I trust, though many many acquaintances that expect me to be there for them in their times of need.

Sorry if all that sounds whiny.....it's not intended to be. I just want to give a little background as to why I'm here. Would love to hear other people's experiences and see if some mutual sharing can help. Hope this finds you all smiling.

Regards,

Adam

[Neil_1]

Hi Adam

Welcome to Beyond Blue and ‘well done’ to you for providing us your post and for sharing some of your background.  May I just say first up that no-one who posts here is EVER considered whingey or whiney (or winey – hmmm, perhaps a bit too early in the morning for a glass!) – so what I’m saying here is that people can come here and post to the heart’s content and unload, vent and rage – and the outcome of that is no-one is ever judged – what does happen though is that you’ll be taken in by the BB community of fellow sufferer and be given advice, when able to, perhaps guidance in some respects (there’s an awful lot of experience here) and above all, support.

I used to be like you (and at stages of my existence some parts of me still manages to try) and be the life of the part – but it’s just a mask put up to hide my depression, the crippling mental illness that rages within.

It must have been such an effort, exhaustive and a real full-on process for you to be caring for your grandmother – an absolutely brilliant thing for you to be able to take on and do – there’s probably not a lot of people who would be able to support and care in that kind of situation, so major kudos to you Adam.

 It sounds like you do have a bit of a network of friends (although you mentioned them as acquaintances) – but judging from how you’ve termed them, they probably aren’t the sort that you could rely on for any potential help or support for you.

Do you have any professional support happening for yourself at the moment?  (ie:  GP, psyche, any medications, etc)

Kind regards

Neil

[geoff]

dear Adam, I would like to join Neil's greetings towards you, as so many people may read most of these posts but for some reason they feel as though their depression is not worthy of being posted, but in fact it is, because once you have some sort of depression, it then builds up to a point where they become desperate.

So every problem with depression is something that needs to talked about, and on this site all of us have gone through or still struggling with this illness, so there is much to offer from all of us, who are compassionate and caring and certainly want to help you and all those others.

To be able to look after your grandmother who was suffering from PD, must have been a job that, to see her deteriorate every day was a horrible sight, compared to all those years when you were a child, so it's not a job that anyone would want to take care of, but you dedicated your time to her and you should be congratulated.

It always seems to be a trend for people like yourself and many of us who do want to look after people because of their lack of needs, so in fact they then use us as much as they can, and then either drop us and/or move on, which then leaves us bewildered, exhausted and then trying to pick ourselves up again.

But there does become a point in life where this causes us to feel depressed, and then from there onwards this illness grows inside us we can can't handle it any more and want help.

Personally I used to hate being abandoned, so I would go all out to find the love I dearly wanted from my wife, and by having OCD this became a huge problem for me as well as how you feel.

So you are alone on the way you feel, and I hope that you can get back to us. Geoff.

[Etta]

Hi Adam I have to say I know exactly what your going through I've been a full time carer for my mum for a few years now and I think you lose your self when you take on that role of carer I really don't have many good friends I trust just like you I have the ones that only contact me when they need something I think that caring for someone leaves us unable to care for ourselves but now you have the chance to look after your self I hope you can do that and that being on this forum helps you realise your not alone