New and Looking For Help

[MarieL]

Hi, I'm a 30 year old woman and this is my first post here.

From as far back as I can remember I have suffered with mental health issues. My memories of my anxiety are vivid. Even as an adult I can remember how helpless, lonely and depressed I felt as a 10 year old girl sitting on the lounge in tears being unable to communicate to my parents how lonely and worthless I felt. I never understood myself to be suffering from mental illness until I sought help whilst studying at university. I was always told by well-meaning family that I felt the way I did because I was overweight or because I was introverted. To most people around me mental health was equivalent to insanity; the kind of vision-fueled schizophrenia they've seen acted out by deranged serial killers on television. As I matured and grew more intelligent I learned that how I feel is unhealthy but I've felt this way for so long now that I don't know who I am or how to change it. Earlier this year my father passed away from an aggressive form of blood cancer. After his passing my mother and I made the decision to move so that we could start fresh. I transferred to another state and have a new home. We came here with the mindset of changing our lifestyles but I still feel like I'm locked in some sort of cage I can't get out of.

Before now my way of coping with my issues was to build my life around avoiding them. Putting myself out there is too frightening and friendships are too hard to maintain so I don't have any. I'm so afraid of being judged that I've only ever had one boyfriend and now I'm a 30 year old virgin. I am petrified of making phone calls. Just doing something that makes me feel uncomfortable sends my blood pressure so high that I frighten doctors when they test me. My weight is out of control, I have a real problem with spending money and I'm worried that I've become addicted to pain killers. I just feel this huge sense of worthlessness and helplessness. And it's so frustrating, you know? I am an intelligent, strong woman but I've somehow locked myself in this cage. Now I find myself with nothing in my life except for my job and my job is not satisfying enough to distract me from what I've become.

I'm sick of feeling so scared and useless all the time. I want to have freedom and find success but I just can't move forward. I really don't know what to do.

[geoff]

hello MarieL, welcome to the site and firstly mental health certainly doesn't mean insanity, perhaps years ago when it was considered taboo where all we saw were people dressed up in white coats escorting people away, but not now, there has been so much research and education to realise that it's an illness that can be cured, so please never consider yourself to be labelled like that.
Being a virgin at 30 years old shouldn't make you feel that you're not part of society, because you are, but you're struggling and it's been going on for far too long, you realise this, but you're stuck and don't know what to do, so we have to try and convince you to open the door.
We can try as hard as possible, but it may take a little bit from you to get the ball rolling, it has to be a joint effort, is that OK.
Please allow for time to get any replies Geoff.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi MarieL,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for your post. I really appreciate you coming to the forums and opening up with us about what's going on for you. I'm really sorry that you're struggling and I'm sorry that you've been dealing with all of this for a while.

Geoff made a great point about insanity and I think it's great that you came here because there's such a huge stigma about mental health - what you're feeling is valid, it matters and you matter.

With everything that you've said about how you're feeling I want to point out your comment about being an intelligent and strong woman. Hold onto that. Intelligent strong women aren't helpless and worthless; they're fighters. Despite everything you've been through you're still holding on to the idea that things can get better and recognising that what's happening right now just isn't working for you and it's time to change.

I'm really curious about if you've thought about the idea of seeing a therapist? They can be great in terms of listening to your story and help empowering you on what you feel is the biggest priority for you right now. Perhaps that could be being social, perhaps it could be being healthier, perhaps it could be managing finances. You know more about yourself than anybody and sometimes it can help to just get those extra tools (or find your key!).

In the meantime hopefully we can be there to cheer you on and encourage you. Maybe it could be worth thinking about what matters the most to you right now and what it might look like to work through that.

Hope this helps,

[Therese8]

MarieL.. I felt as thought I was telling the world my story. How fascinating and scary at the same time. Im sorry I dont have the answer but I know im a good listener. All the best..