Hi JRT2
My heart goes out to you as you experience one of the most challenging and tormenting times in your life. Such a hard thing to face alone. I'm so glad you've come here, where I hope you'll find people who can relate to how you may be feeling life right now.
As a gal who's face long term depression from my late teens to 35 and episodic depression from then 'til now at 53, long term depression is definitely a different experience. Breaks in between episodes provide time to make sense of what is or was depressing. On the other hand, putting it bluntly, long term depression tends to feel like we can be dying bit by painful bit, over a long period of time. To say that has a feel to it can be an understatement.
With Mark speaking about groups, I have to agree with him 100% when it comes to how certain groups or circles of people can make a difference. Someone wise once said to me 'If you want to develop, find your circle of people who are going to help you develop'. In what ways we want to develop will dictate the kind of circle we'll be looking for or looking to form from scratch. For example, if you're looking to find partners who can relate to the many challenges that come with being in a relationship with someone in the defense force, such groups exist. If you're looking for a sense of calm and ways to help manage the nervous system, a meditation circle may be the way to go. The list goes on with already established circles. Forming one from scratch can prove to be a massive challenge at times. I suppose the question becomes 'Who do I need or what kind of people do I need in my circle?'. Can involve a mixed bunch. Such a circle or group of 'go to' people/supports/guides could involve a mental health professional, someone who's adventurous (taking you out of your comfort zone as you consider adding ventures to life), a one on one yoga instructor (if that could be your thing), a shop assistant you enjoy having a little conversation with each time you go to the supermarket (someone who leads you to smile), some people on the forums here and the list of possibilities goes on. Some people in your circle you may never physically meet and some may be people you meet with daily but all will lead you to develop in some way.
Having been married for 22 years, I can say that a highly productive relationship is one where we lead each other to develop or evolve through inspiration and guidance. Took me years to work out that this is not the kind of relationship I have. While I've tried to be supportive in leading my husband to develop beyond who he believes himself to be, he's more inclined to leave me alone in the kind of emotional challenges that can be pushing me to develop. A sense of loneliness can be experienced in many different ways. While I've gradually learned not to rely all that much on my partner in the way of self development, I cannot survive and develop without a good circle of people in my life. When it comes to gradually discovering the best in our self, bringing our self back to life, I don't believe we're designed to do that alone.
