Just a little lost

[AJ_23]

Not sure how to start this, not the expressing type of person to people easy, the one person who I did trust and there was nothing off limits recently passed away in an accident and I am feeling so lost and alone. Despite everything that was going on past and present,  he just had a way of calming me down with just a hug, and now everything I've been dealing with (I have ptsd from being abused as a child,  I grew up with violent family members,  I was kidnapped by a parent , I didn't know my parents until I was older so to me they were strangers, I've had every family responsibility just dropped on me ,robbing me of a normal childhood whatever that may be. And now I've lost the one person in the world who was my normal My calm . And I haven't slept in weeks , I cry at just the thought of breathing , which I can barely do at the moment, I'm just so tired. I've been trying to keep myself busy with things but I've honestly lost interest in so much of the things I usually do. I want to crawl into a ball in a corner and just stay there . I am going to see my Doc this week as he picked up something was wrong and I'm just feeling like I've let my depression win if I get back on my medication but I also know I'm not coping and now I'm causing myself more anxiety .  

I'm just a little lost at the moment , I'm  not even sure what I'm looking for. Maybe some advice .

[tranzcrybe]

There are times when it is admirable to 'tough it out' and then again it takes a stronger conviction to acknowledge this is beyond reasonable expectations.
'Giving in' to medication won't apply when circumstances have changed so drastically for you.

When we break a leg, we aren't giving in to a plaster cast - it's just a means to an end.

As with physical injuries we need to allow ourselves space, time, and the tools to heal.

Take care.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear AJ_23,

I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your beautiful and caring friend…It’s okay to cry if you need to, grief can last as long as it does, days, weeks, months and even years…their is no time limit….my heart goes out to you dear AJ…

I am so pleased that you’re seeing your Dr. this week, and he seems so caring in picking something up with you….It’s no failure at all to take meds for mental health…it’s called self care…and looking after yourself….AJ, your Dr is in a way your career and will only do what he thinks is best for you and your recovery….but in the end it’s about what you decide to do…no one can force you to take them…I have been on meds for my mental health now for about 5 years and for me they are working….but everyone is different….

You have so much to deal with, I also have PTSD from my abusive childhood and my DV marriage…and it’s something that can pop up at anytime through certain triggers…and down me incredibly fast, without me even being aware of what’s happened….PTSD is so hard to manage….my heart goes out to you Dear AJ….

Please talk here anytime you’re feeling up to it…we are all here for you, when we can be..

Sending you my kind thoughts, care and a gentle warm hug 🤗..

Grandy..

[indigo22]

Hi AJ_23,

Welcome and thank you for having the courage to reach out. You have been through so much and I am sorry for your loss of your friend and confidant.

You will always be supported here, I know it will not be the same, but you will at least have a save space to talk about how you are feeling.

I know all to well that feeling of wanting to curl up in a ball and losing interest in everything that previously meant something to you. It is really difficult fighting your way back from those depths, the only way I was able to start was with meds so please give it a great deal of thought before making a decision. Perhaps thinking of this as a set back with your depression rather that a win or lose situation will help with that decision. As for the grief, it is heart wrenching and grueling and feels like it will never end, it will ease with time, try not to be hard on yourself in the meantime. Your doctor sounds very competent and on the ball, so my advice is to talk through any concerns with him/her that you may have about going back on medication.

I would also like to make you aware of something called polyvagal theory which I think may be helpful to you. There is a book (ebook or audio book also available) by 'Deb Dana' called 'Anchored' which talks about this in a way that is easy to comprehend and I think you will recognise that your friend was your anchor.

For your well being, I would suggest finding something to listen to when it is time to sleep, without sleep you will struggle all the more. There are many things available, guided meditations, guided relaxation recordings, music, bedtime stories for adults, white noise, nature recordings, the choices are many. Try spotify or audible if you are subscribed or you can download from youtube if you are not.

I hope you will feel a little lighter soon but in the meantime we will be here for you.

Sending you a bug hug,

indigo22