is this depression?

[Idunnoman]

i’m 19, female, and was diagnosed with depression at 14. started antidepressants at 16. but i’ve always felt like there’s something else going on with my brain. i can’t keep a hobby or interest for the life of me and i just feel numb all the time. i have no clue who i am. people tell me i’m a good person and that they love me and all i can think “why? how could anyone possibly like or even love me? how can they not see how horrible i am?”. sometimes i truly believe i have just manipulated everyone into thinking i’m good. i know i’m not a bad person and i treat everyone kindly, but i can never shake that thought. it’s like i just have this hatred for myself. anything that goes wrong in my life, anytime i argue with someone, anytime someone hurts me, i blame myself and punish myself for it. i often harm myself in some way over those type of things. i’ve never had a stable relationship and recently i’ve been in a really toxic relationship. he’s hurt me so many times, yet all the anger i feel ends up directed at myself. he could say something wrong and then i’d find myself not eating for days. i also think that i stayed in that relationship for so long because at least i felt something other than numb, even if it was sadness. and i convinced myself i deserved it. i remember even as a child, around 5, i would punish myself if i felt like i wasn’t good enough that day. i know now that it was just in my head, but that’s not normal right? lately i’ve been working 38 hour weeks, picking up shifts and staying late just so i don’t have to be alone with my thoughts. i’m so deeply exhausted but i’d rather be there than at home. when i am at home, i just feel so uncomfortable in my mind. like i’m irritated with how numb and uninterested i am in everything. sometimes i find myself just staring at my wall for an hour feeling nothing, thinking nothing. i do reckless things, reckless spending, unsafe sex, drinking, hurting myself, ect.

i think there is something more wrong with me than the depression, but i don’t know. maybe i’m overthinking.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Idunnoman
 
It’s lovely to see you here again and thank you for having the courage to post this evening, it’s not an easy thing to do when having such a low opinion of yourself, we want you to know that you do matter, you are not overthinking and your feelings are completely valid.

Is it normal for you to be feeling this way you ask? If you feel capable of managing all these feelings you refer to then yes however if life feels completely overwhelming, which can show up in many ways including feelings of sadness, anger, the loss of interest in usual activities, low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness then it's time to get some help.  While it’s great that you are working hard and holding down work and that this is a good distraction for you, it must also be so exhausting, particularly when you are feeling so low so please try to take things easy Idunnoman, be kind to yourself.
 
You mentioned that you started antidepressants at the age of 16, is this still the case? Whether or not, are you currently engaged with your GP or other health professional?  It might also be a good idea to check in with them and let them know of these unhelpful thoughts and the way in which they are making you feel.  If this feels too overwhelming, then maybe a family member, friend, or work colleague?
 
In terms of your relationship and that you mentioned your partner has hurt you so many times, we thought you might find it helpful to take a look at 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 or 1800RESPECT Chat online which has lots of information on relationships, what’s healthy and what is not; also additional support if you are experiencing domestic abuse.
 
Idunnoman, we are also here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via our WebChat .  If you ever need to reach out, sometimes it can help to have that instant support by way of telephone or chat and our counsellors are always here to support you whenever you need it.


Thanks again for sharing. It’s a powerful and brave first step towards feeling better.
 
Regards
Sophie M

[geoff]

Hello Idunnoman, hi and welcome to the forums.

What an enormous weight you must have on your shoulders and how you were feeling when you were 14 could be totally different to how you are feeling now, although parts may well be carried along as you age, but as you develop into an adult your expectations, beliefs and understandings may differ from before, just as the AD's (antidepressants) may need to be changed, simply because much differs from a young age to an older age.

These 'reckless things' you are doing is only because you are trying to find yourself and whether or not they are desirable is not for me to comment on, never the less I understand what you're saying.

A toxic relationship is not going to direct you in a favourable direction, especially when you feel this way.

If you are suffering from any type of depression, you won't be interested in doing anything, that's how this illness controls people who are struggling with a MI.

Are you able to type 'intrusive thoughts' into your browser and read some of the comments made by different people and see whether this does relate to how you feel.

You can also contact Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800 by phone, web chat or online, but hope you can get back to us.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Idunnoman]

Hello, thank you for your response. i should probably say though, i don’t so much mean “do i have depression?”, i mean “is there something else wrong with me?”. i know depression has a huge effect on people and affects everyone differently. and i agree, i do have depression and i have since i was 13. but with the way i feel and the choices i make, i don’t think this is just depression. i’ve done a lot of research and i’ve thought maybe i have adhd or quiet bpd, but i’m not sure i might just be overthinking. the reckless things i’m doing have been going on for years and they’re not to find myself, they’re to hurt myself. because that’s what i feel like i deserve, and i need to feel it.

i do get intrusive thoughts but i really don’t think they’re one of my biggest issues. 

[Mark Z.]

Hi Idunnoman,

I'm very sorry about your challenge.

Your feeling that it's not just depression might be right.

While doing some research might be helpful, it might also make you think too much and lead you in the wrong direction. So it is important that you don't make self-diagnose, instead, seek help from a professional, such as a psychologist.

Mark

[ecomama]

Hi IDM, welcome to the forums. 

You describe some very common thoughts about yourself that are shared throughout the forums. 

It must be a "shared human experience" to some extent as I read a long post from "The School Of Life" on YouTube last night describing JUST this. 

For me, I shared some similarities with the thoughts and behaviours you've described. It's been a life long learning set of lessons to feel more of who I really am and to DO things that are caring for my self. 

Self care many times a day will make these habits over time. 
Changing the brain wiring feedback loops will help these thoughts not come back. 

"What do you want for your life?"
Do you want a peaceful, loving and kind future? 

It's far easier to remain in this mindset and continue self-destructive behaviours. 

It's hard work to be kind to ourselves when we fell this way. But it's possible.

Hope you're doing well today
EM