Is there still a forum for people who were cheated on?

[leapfrog]

I found this resource through an internet site. I did notice that the last post was in 2017 but I'm hoping that there is still a forum that helps people move forward from a cheating partner (he's also an alcoholic).

I want to heal me. I want to trust people again and not enter a new relationship one day thinking that all men are going to cheat. This has really thrown me and I want help.

Is there anything available?

[leapfrog]

Do you know what I'm really struggling with tonight?

I know he's selfish, I know he's a user, I know he disrespects himself and most of all disrespects all women - on more than one occasion he's referred to women and mentioned that they take advantage of his kind nature. And yet I'm sad thinking that he's talking to someone else tonight, sharing intimate pictures with someone else tonight.

His lies just never ever stopped. You would think that I could just focus on those and not care who he's with tonight but it still hurts. The amount of disrespect he's shown me hurts.

He has always made me feel like I am not enough and instead of walking away, I just tried to be more, better... amazing. All that's done is made me feel low.

I so hope that 2022 will end on a high. I want to feel carefree again and smile large.

[Ggrand]

Hi Dear leapfrog,

I think I can understand what your feeling...my husband I will admit never really cheated on me...He was addicted to porn though and would spend hours and hours watching it...can’t say on here, just how that made me feel...but I’m thinking somewhat how you’re feeling..

I think, that you are in a way missing his company...your alone now, that’s a new and strange situation for you, I mean you have been together 3.5 years now, you would be so used to his company that your missing it...The arguments and interactions you you had with him....are no longer a part of your daily life....So now your thinking about what he’s up to with other people...I think it might be a part of grieving your separation....

Awe leapfrog, yes it does hurt and I’m deeply sorry your hurting so much....I wish I could make it easier for you...hugs beautiful lady...🤗.

Try hard to remember that you are more then enough, you are so much worthy of a life filled with lots of happiness and peace...he won’t and can’t give you that...nor can he give it anyone else because he cares only for himself....

In time, and it will probably take a while...you will feel much better within yourself...and be happy and content with your decision to seperate...with your new life away from his lies etc....it’s early days yet...I know that you will get through this...you are a very wise person, you reached out for help and are seeing a councillor.... you have a want..for a better life... your trying so hard to grab hold of that.... I have a lot of belief in you....that you will find it...

Talk here anytime...for me writing things out on here, helps to get it out of my head...

Kind thoughts and care,

Grandy..

[leapfrog]

He's addicted to adult content too. But he choses adult content from Reddit so he can reach out to the girls he's watching and try to start something privately between them. It was heartbreaking reading some of the messages he'd sent to these girls; young girls.

His other choice of adult content is pictures he keeps of previous girlfriends. Some are of his girlfriend directly after uni. He's saved them and backed them up for years. He likes putting them on USB sticks, thinking it's fun to watch them on the TV.

Once, when he was at a real low, around the time he assaulted me, he threatened to put images of me online. Some of these images I didn't even know he'd taken. I remember being terrified at the time.

It's so important for me to write this and for people to be able to read it. I'm ashamed; deeply ashamed of what I've tolerated. How did I let him do this to me and I didn't leave? I've justified his behaviour and made many excuses for him so many times. His marriage was horrible. She took his kids overseas and he has little contact with them. It caused him to have a breakdown, I got really angry at him for cheating on me etc. He's going to get the alcoholism under control and it'll be better.

But the reality is that it will never be better. He doesn't respect himself. He doesn't respect me and as much as he thinks and says he loves me; he can't because you don't treat someone you love like he has treated me.

I excel in my career, I'm well respected and regarded. I have great friends (whom I've mostly hidden these things from - no one knows the full story). I don't need his support financially. I don't need him to raise my children. Yet look at what I've tolerated. Look at how I've disrespected myself. Sometimes I cry in the shower. I once started crying on the bus - for no real reason.

I need to fix this. I need to return to the person I was. I need to be a better parent to my kids. I need to be brave and not go back.

Thank you for just reading my rants. Thank you for the replies. I'm more grateful than you know.

[white knight]

I can't help feel Leapfrog, that your persistence with this man is more a reflection on your own shortcomings and I'm worried that you aren't looking after yourself enough, self protection.

I'm no therapist, however this guy is consistently a cheater but you still show anger and stayed with him far too long, why?

It's a question you might be asking yourself and likely need help to move on.

I hope you are OK, it's an emotional time.

TonyWK

[leapfrog]

Tony, it's an excellent question. It's something I've spoken about with psychologists. I saw a wonderful psychologist about three years ago when I found out for the first time that he'd been cheating on me. She asked me if I was trying to save him.

If I'm really honest, the answer is yes. At the time I didn't agree and I tried to explain to her that he was a good man underneath it all.

You see, he's sober when he's with me - 100% sober. He just doesn't need alcohol when we're together. I took pride in that (perhaps I still do). The moment he leaves me, which is often, he drinks. He goes to his parents home and drinks. The drinking leads to cheating and really poor decision making.

I always imagined he'd be sober and we'd finally get the help of a psychologist and he could deal with what he'd done, genuinely understand the deep hurt he'd caused and take responsibility for it. There have been glimmers of this - him genuinely understanding and accepting what he's done and taking responsibility. He talks about making an amends.

But it never lasts. Like on Thursday. At the end of November he left me because I wanted to watch a movie with him. He ranted about his ex-wife for a bit and then left. I told him that if he left, he shouldn't come back. He left anyway. A week later he slept with a woman he met online - met her once, didn't use protection. Then he came back but didn't tell me about her for a while.

When he did, he did so on the basis that HE took full responsibility.

On Thursday that changed - it was my fault because I goaded him into it. There's always an excuse. ALWAYS. He tells me that excuse when he's lost control. And they're the times where I realise there's no hope of him changing. I genuinely believe that if he can't take responsibility properly, he'll just keep doing it.

I said to him, in 3.5 years, we've both faced problems - he freaks out and leaves, isn't committed to the relationship and I'm angry (really angry) that's he's left me again and I have to explain to family/friends that he's abandoned me again - yet never have I gone and slept with someone else (with the exception of a new relationship I'd formed with someone, three months after we'd broken up). He was seeing a married woman at the time. It's always him that has a "whoopsie" moment.

This may sound odd but I feel like a failure but I've always been someone who doesn't fail. It's hard accepting I'm a failure.

[white knight]

Well a failure you're not.

He seems to be gaslughting, blaming you for goading him so your fault he has sex with someone else. Laughable really. This is behaviour of a man that knows you very well.

A comparison my MIL had a gambler for a partner. He wanted her to mortgage her home to "do renovations". She did, he gambled $80,000. But "it's your fault for making me sad and hard to cope with you having Parkinsons disease" he claimed. He mentioned it in arguing so much in a 2 week time frame that she ended up saying to me "maybe he's right, maybe I drove him to it".

Logic is over run by emotional pressure so you doubt yourself. In your case you are taking on the responsibility of his shortfalls but they are his, not yours.

I knew a lady that was beaten regularly by her male partner but never left him. No one could convince her to leave.

From reading your posts I feel you deserve much better but like the lady above, you must find your strength to break away and there is only one person that can do that...

TonyWK

[geoff]

Hello Leapfrog, much has been said by yourself, Grandy, Tony and Sophie that's how much this topic is alive and always will be.

This partner may not drink when you're with him, but give or take a few weeks, it may start again and who knows whether or not he goes to AA, on his record, could you ever trust him, especially when he texts other girls when you aren't looking, and by doing this only gives him more confidence knowing he has you as well as this other person online.

A reason you might take him back is believing that he will change his habits and only be with you and no one else.

Don't let him take advantage of staying at your house, it's only providing him accommodation while he sets up other housing, so when he has a disagreement with one person, then he can go to his 'other house'.

This partner is not going to change, no matter what he says, a person has to prove their trust and honesty but he has not proved any of this.

It's not easy to move on after being constantly cheated on but now you have learned so much and can pick up any red flags that may be appearing.

If you can, change your locks and if need be see if you can place an AVO on him.

Hope you can continue.

My best.

Geoff. x

[leapfrog]

Thank you to yourself and everyone who has written to me over the last 24hours. Today I have a funeral to go to. My grandmother made it to 100 and today we let her rest. I'll be surrounded by people I haven't seen in a long time. I'll be busy and that's excellent.

I've made plans to fill my evenings. This is important as it's what will stop me being tempted to change my mind.

I know he's never going to change. The counsellor spoke with me yesterday about a form of abuse I've never known. It never occurred to me that his threats to leave, followed by his leaving were abuse and his way to control me. I have much research to do.

Geoff, there's been much gaslighting. He has always said it's me that gaslights him but I had no idea what he meant. I can see that he does gaslight me. It's been almost 3years since I found out about his first affair and he's never properly addressed it. He never worked to re-build the trust. Instead he left, cheated and blamed me. It was my getting angry (usually about his original affairs) that meant he "didn't feel safe to stay." He says that I'm "bashing" him. What he's referring to is me explaining how his actions made him feel - that's what he calls a bashing. My need for him to take full responsibility for what he did without there having to be a part that I played in it, is what he calls a bashing. He always wants me to say that he wouldn't have cheated if it wasn't for my actions. He's obsessed with this really. It always comes back to this.

Last week he said "this counsellor, do you think she will sit there and blame me for everything?" and I responded "I'd be floored if this counsellor didn't say what the others have said - you (and only you) have a responsibility to rebuild the trust." He just doesn't believe it.

We saw this psychologist for a while. She was great. Balanced, firm, understanding. It worked well for a few sessions, then she said the horribilest thing to him "[name] you're not listening to [me]." He absolutely lost it with her at this. I still hear about it today. He sent her emails of abuse for a while. I was so embarrassed. He doesn't listen to me. He says he's listening but really he's trying to work out how it's my fault.

Just for full disclosure - I've never once hit him. Never. I don't hit anyone.

We were due to see a couples counsellor but we cancelled our appointment. I booked it because he said he wanted us to go then changed his mind. He's since left and I'm building my strength.

[geoff]

Hello Leapfrog, I hope your wonderful grandmother is laid to rest, knowing she had made it to the perfect 100, a beautiful age to be farewelled and there must be many memories for you to write down, only if that's what you want to do.

To experience what your partner is trying to accuse you of is something you only want to forget about, but take the time you need, you have much to do in the meantime, and wish you all the best.

Geoff. x

[leapfrog]

Hi Geoff,

I saw him briefly yesterday and I feel thrown. I even got into a text discussion (of sorts). He's saying things like "I never blamed you," they were words in anger and not meant. He said he knew he had mental health issues and he wasn't perfect but he's on top of that now and not doing anything wrong.

He's annoyed at me for looking through his personal messages on his Reddit account to find his messages to these young girls.

This kind of stuff throws me because I accept it's not right to snoop on people. I didn't snoop on him at the beginning. I became different once I found out about his affair. I don't have trust in him. Equally, I don't like the person I've become. I feel like I've lost perspective.

Interestingly, there was a period, mid last year, where I felt I could trust him just based on the change in his language and attitude. He was taking responsibility, saying things like he felt like a horrible person for how many times he'd cheated on me. It felt like there was a chance at something healthy because he understood but then he went and slept with someone else.

There's always a "whoopsie" and I have to remember that when I hear his justifications.

I know that even if I was to forgive and take him back again (after HE left me - again) it would just happen again on repeat.

I'm grateful for this group and my friends. While I can't tell my friends what's going on, I can spend time with them and smile.