I sometimes go to an inner dark place

[Itisso]

Hello,

I have always had an inner dark place which I try to avoid
but can’t always manage to stay away from. Posting here is a huge step for me, as it is
for most of you.

I have a family history of mental health issues and deep
depression and saw, heard and experienced things during childhood which I then
seemed to carry some of onto adulthood. There is no blame here, It is what it
is.

Past years have bought highs and lows (as they do to everyone)
and visiting the dark inner place seemed to serve a purpose from which I always
managed to emerge from. This year some extreme lows, have left me feeling totally
isolated and bereft. I have at times feared that I would totally unravel and
not be able to find my way back.

Darker thoughts, personal issues and an awful tragedy have
been eating away and recent feelings of absolute un bearable sadness, low self
worth, self depreciation and regret for some past major decisions was leading
me to much darker areas.

Somehow I seem to manage to escape from this terrible place.
I constantly tell myself I will be OK and that I must change. My dilemma is how
can I change who and what I am. On a good day I actually quite like who I am,
even with my short-comings. On a bad day I wonder who the hell I am.

Today is a better day, but yesterday I was in the abyss after
a couple of really bad weeks leading to a dire week-end. How can these feelings
sometimes change so fast?

I really appreciate days like today. I feel nearly normal
(whatever that is) and I hope that every day I will feel like this. There is so
much I have to be thankful for, I cannot comprehend why I feel so hopeless
sometimes.

[Itisso]

Hi Sola, you were a great help.

Over the years, i've know some people who were desperate to drop their meds. I think it was because they worried about the possibility of long term effects or addiction and the fact that they felt they were not themselves while on them. I am also astonished by the number of people I have met over the years who are on meds. Leads me to wonder if it is all related to our lifestyle of today.

Sometimes I feel that it would be great to have a standby "something" for those awful downs, but try to maintain things in between. Then again maybe I would not get those awful downs if here was a steadying med.

This is all opening up more thought for me.

Thanks

x

[solabear]

Hi Itisso,

It is true ....so many of us are on medication these days and I wonder about the reason myself. You could be right about our lifestyle being the cause, and could be diet has something to do with it. No one really knows.

Let me know what you decide to do about medication. Once you're on the right one, it can make a big difference to your life and I don't think meds are very addictive. I was able to get off them many times in the past, it wasn't too hard.

Sola

[Starwolf]

Thank you for the feedback and for sharing more insight into your situation.

As Solabear pointed out, we are all different so react differently to a similar treatment. Unfortunately, it may take several attempts before finding the right medication and dosage. The same applies to finding a therapist/counselor we can connect and work with long term. There is no way a prescribing doctor can know if the med given is not working out without being told. It would be wise to get a diagnosis, if you feel you may have a bipolar disorder so that the right medication is prescribed. There are lots of people with BP who live a highly functional life with the help of mood stabilizers.

And you are right, ideally there would be no need for being medicated. Reality is, this is an imperfect world populated by imperfect people. Life is a challenge. We are thrown into it without a user's manual and have to figure it out as we go. No wonder we end up being stressed out !

It seems you have high expectations of yourself. Making the wrong decisions, hurting other people is unfortunately part and parcel of being human. As long as we learn not to repeat the mistakes made, then they will have served their purpose. It is often the only way we can learn because -at the time when wrong decisions were made- we just didn't have the inner resources to do otherwise. Not repeating mistakes means turning negativity into its opposite. We are often our harshest critics...

The fact that you acknowledge and regret hurting others shows you have courage and a big heart. Here you are, reaching out, trying to work out how best to manage your troubled inner world. So please be kind to yourself...and give yourself a well deserved pat on the back.

[solabear]

Great reply from you Starwolf, you really put it into perspectives. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this thread, you sound really resourceful and knowledgeable.

Warm wishes

Sola

[Starwolf]

Thank you for your kind words, Sola.

I am nothing special, just someone who -like many of us- went through hell...and kept going. My aim is to let other people in distress know that it can get better. I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't true. And yes, there were mistakes, setbacks, stagnation and despair along the way but they were all part of the journey towards recovery.

Kudos to you for having the patience to experiment until the right treatment was found. Balance is a difficult state to achieve and maintain at the best of times. Anyone struggling with highs and lows on a regular basis deserves nothing but admiration and respect.

[solabear]

You are an incredibly strong person and certainly very special. Kudos for never giving up. You've been through hell and you kept going, you are brave and compassionate.

You're awesome......hugs

Sola

[Itisso]

Thank you Starwolf, for your thoughtful, composed and supportive reply.

You express things in an understanding and conscious way and have given me much food for thought in a positive way.

Many thanks.

[Itisso]

It certainly was a great reply from Starwolf.

You too Sola have provided me with insight for more thought.

Thank you both.