I'm new and I can't get out of bed

[DominiqueM]

It's a bit longer than I intended, but here it is...

Hi, I'm new to Beyond Blue, and so grateful that I can participate.
I have been living with a mish mash of depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder for 20 years, though I wasn't diagnosed for the first 10 years (Hindsight is a wonderful thing), I just thought I was going crazy and talking about it to anyone would make them see I'm crazy. I'm 10 years into therapy, medication, regular dr visits and I'm feeling worse today than ever. To be really honest if I was to go back further, I probably started having mental health issues in my late teens, I’m 55 now.
I only leave the house for doctors and therapists appointments, I don't go shopping, to the movies, I make excuses not to attend social events, and it's so tough because I know once I can "get over" myself, I'll have a great time, because I love people, I love socialising, I just can't do it now.
I'm now at the point where I can hardly get out of bed. Everything scares me. I'm so scared of everything that "might" happen I'm not able to enjoy the now moments. My biggest fear is death. I've had so much death of friends and parents in the past two years, topped up with losing my beautiful Dad last Christmas. I can't get my mind off it, sometimes it's all I can think about.
My husband is an amazing support, and keeps reassuring me that it will pass, and it doesn't matter how long it takes (I wonder when did he get so wise).
Today I got up, made the bed, dressed (no shower) went down to the kitchen, emptied the dishwasher and reloaded it, and now I'm back on my bed, feeling like the walls are closing in, but I can't find my way out.
I take medications, though they made me fat, which doesn't improve my mood.
I'm stuck.I cry. I think too much. I’m overwhelmed with life.What next I often think? How can I move forward if I can’t even get of the bed?

[Birdy77]

Dear DominiqueM,

Your post is not too long, it's great because it gives a bit of a picture of where you're at and how you are feeling.

You have supported me already on the forums even though you're feeling horrible yourself. That shows the compassion you have in your heart. Thank you.

You ended this post by asking how you can move forward if you can't even get off the bed?

This might sound trite, but it is meant sincerely: you DID get off the bed. You got up and dressed, went downstairs and emptied and reloaded the dishwasher. None of those things were done whilst lying the bed, right?

If you were well, and firing on all cylinders, you would do these tasks (above), plus others. But you are not firing on all the cylinders.
So you have done some of the tasks. You didn't do "none of the tasks" (but if you did none of the tasks that would be ok too, if you needed to rest).

Putting on weight from the meds can be a massive motivation-deterrent. Have you spoken to your doc about this? I only when I put on weight my motivation plummets I think it's natural.

I completely know what you mean about socialising and thinking if you could just "get over yourself" you'd have a great time. I've been like that too. I will say no to social things, then when one comes along that I "can't " get out of, and I go, I have a brilliant time, and I'm the last one left on the dancefloor! I understand. But sometimes, it's ok to cocoon ourselves away.

I'm so glad you gave your lovely supportive husband. My partner is the same, says "this will pass" ... what a blessing in life.

So glad you've posted.

Talk here anytime.

🌻birdy

[Birdy77]

Dear Dominique,

I'm so sorry I left out something I intended to mention first thing. My brain is foggy the last few days, I would like to blame that, if it's ok with you?

I wanted to say that i am so sorry to hear of your dear Dad's passing at Christmas time, that must be still very raw for you.

As well as that, you have had friends and family members passing. I know, for me, this has increased my thoughts and fears about my own passing, and always sends an invitation to my old friend impending doom to join the party.

Sometimes I can't get my mind off it either. I will sometimes wake in the night thinking it is about to happen. It's a pretty stressful way to be isn't it.

You mentioned meditations, I like them too, and have recently started using a sleep hypnosis through Spotify which I find brilliant, often at 2:45am. I also find Yoga Nidra (aka Yogic Sleep really helpful).

I went to a funeral a couple of weeks ago and the pastor mentioned that the passing of others reminds us of our own mortality, and the fact that none of us will be here forever, so the fact you've had so many reminders lately, it's maybe not surprising that you are thinking on these things more than usual.



Sorry for the double post, but I felt it was an important thing I left out.

🌻birdy

[smallwolf]

Hi DominiqueM,

welcome to beyond blue.

Birdy gave a good reply, so I won't rewrite any of those comments. I will just add a little bit. Here goes...

there is a thread on the forums called this bipolar life you might want have a look at as well...

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/this-bipolar-life/page/129

Going one step further, while you feel like you cannot get out of bed, you are still able to go out to see your doctor or therapist. These are things you have done and can do. Somehow you are able to do these...

Can you tell me when was the last time that you were able to socialise and enjoy yourself? (because you have said that have a great time and love people, etc.)

I have a little story about about not going to events and then what my psychiatrist said to me afterwards. You might know this type of story. But if you are interested I will tell it to you. Let me know.

Tim

[DominiqueM]

Thank you for saying all of this, it means so much just knowing I'm not the only one, and I'm not alone.

[DominiqueM]

Hi Tim
I would really appreciate your story as mentioned.
Thank you for all of your other comments too, it really is so encouraging
DM

[Birdy77]

Dear DM,

I am wondering how you have been feeling the last few days?

I want you to know that you are never alone, and all the thoughts and feelings that you are having, that cause you to feel stuck and sad and unmotivated - you are not the only one experiencing this.

Today i woke up with this sense of dread, but also groundhog day type thing. Feeling stuck, unmotivated but edgy, knowing I'm itching to break through this. Can you relate to that?

First thing i wanted to do, and in fact did, while i had coffee on the stove, was to cry. I wanted to curl up in a ball, but one of the dogs got into the chookpen, so i was forced to get outside and sort that out. Which helped me, because since that got me outside, I've done a few tasks, and although i still pretty much feel like rubbish, i have managed to pull some weeds, wash the dishes, wash and hang a load of laundry and i even sorted out a drawer full of fabric scraps and made my dogs 4 new toys on the sewing machine.

And now writing this has made me feel better because i can see i have done some of the tasks, which is ok, because I'm firing on some of the cylinders. I felt i had done nothing today, so thank you.

I am sharing this in the hope that you feel a friend is close by, listening and understanding how hard it can be.

I want to encourage you to acknowledge the small victories. Even when they feel like nothing, they are something. And they are steps to better moments and better days (and this is all a reminder to myself as well as to you).

🌻birdy

[DominiqueM]

I can't believe how much you got done! Three enormous cheers to you!!! It's so hard to see what we've actually done. I often say I haven't done a thing or achieved anything, but in truth I have, even if it is the mundane, like washing, cleaning, cooking. I wrote the hardest song I've ever written just a week or so ago, and it is the most honest, and my husband heard me from the other room, and he came and said to me that he was sorry I go through this. I'm trying to learn to be compassionate to myself, but even that feels like hard work, and as I write this it's 10.30am and I'm still in bed, I want to get up, my stomach is tied in knots, but I know that I will get up eventually, even if it' not today.
Thank you for sharing with me.
DM

[Egr182]

Dominique,

This is my first time on the forum and my first post! I am replying to you because I found your story so relatable.

It is so very difficult what you’re going through, and I remember asking the questions myself: ‘when will this end?’, ‘how do I fix this?’, ‘when will my next good day be?’.

I can already see from your thread that you’ve made some progress (yay!), and I hope this community continues to bring some light into your experience.

Congratulations again for each task you did, and each time you were well enough to get out of bed! I hope that you’re able to find some medication that suits you better soon, or see other positive changes to your daily life.

Here in support 🙂

E

[Birdy77]

Dear DM,


Wow, to write songs from this deep, painful place - that is powerful and really beautiful.  To turn your pain into art is a special gift.  Do you think it will be something you will record or perform some time ?


It is so great that you have such a wonderfully supportive husband.  It's a real treasure in this life.


I agree, just doing the mundane, everyday things of life can feel like we're not achieving anything,  but if we were to list just those things, they're still achievements,  esoecially when we're unwell.

I loved what you said: "i know i will get up eventually, even if it's not today". That statement has such a feeling of gentle space and compassion in it.

I know self-compassion us really challenging - it's something I've been trying to practice lately. I've been listening to some guided meditations and talks by Tara Brach. Also have been reading and watching some stuff by Kristin Neff about cuktivating self compassion. You might get something out of those ...


How have you been the few weeks?


🌻birdy

PS welcome E, it's great you're here, and i hope you stick around.