Hi I'm new to this and need some help

Lawnwarrior · ‎22-09-2017

For a while now my wife says that I can't communicate my emotions which causes conflict between us and I become frustrated easily whether it be the kids fighting or traffic or whatever. Often I tend to lose my temper and take it out on inanimate objects ie punch a wall or throw something but my worst problem is regarding my kids when I yell at them when they misbehave. I feel terrible for doing it but lack the patience and know how to stop myself.

When I was 9 my younger brother was killed in front of me when he ran out in front of a 4wd as we crossed the road to catch the school bus. I always blamed myself for his death and even though it happened 32 years ago I still get emotional when I visit his grave and think of the man he could have been now. I have also seen a lot of trauma in my role as a volunteer firefighter. From fatalities, to friends losing their house to fire, and myself being trapped in a grassfire in a paddock just last year.

I constantly feel tired and have trouble getting a good night sleep. I'm always checking the clock and awaken at the slightest noise. The constant stresses of life seem to pile up along with trying to keep strong for my wife and kids as she battles her 3rd bout of cancer and her ever increasing self doubt.

I suppose I would like to know if anyone has any ways to help as I lack the funds to see a professional and my wife would love for me to stop being emotionally numb. Thanks in advance.

demonblaster · ‎23-09-2017

Hi & welcome Warrior

Wow, my deepest condolences for the loss of your brother, tragic and seeing it. I imagine many people have said it wasn't your fault, may I ask and by all means only say what you're comfortable to why do you blame yourself?
Have you ever spoken to anyone about that?

Feel free to open up as much and as often as you want here, no judgement or grief, lot of amazing people and support

First thought was Psychologist that's a real bugga not being able to afford but thinking if you talk to your GP they maybe able to find a way for help and maybe get you on some meds that could help with anxiety

Wondering if you could through work get to see someone psych related cause that's a hell hard job, good on you btw thanks for what you do 🙂 Great public service and sacrifice yous do

I imagine the emotional numbness is your coping method, you've certainly had and having enormous grief in your life.

Don't get me wrong here I'm not siding actually I see both sides, it is good if we can express and talk our feelings out but as above I see why but in my experience not to say I'm right necessarily but I think it's better to let it out than hold in because it what's the word, I was saying manifests but not sure if that's right, it grows or festers, that's a better one and is coming out in anger and anxiety, good you're letting out on things as opposed to people, can you maybe get a punching bag.

Was wondering if you think you'd be able to talk to the kids and tell them you've got a lot of stress and that you don't mean to be angry and they'd know but keep reiterating that you love them and do feel bad, for now that could go a long way.

So sorry your poor wife battling the big C & 3rd time my god, that's wicked for you all.
My heart truly goes out to yous

What do you think about maybe your wife if she's up to it coming here as well .Writing can be a lot easier than talking so she'd be able to see how you're feeling & be supported here at the same time

They have large volumes of posts so sometimes it may take a while for responses

I'll definately be back

Support

geoff · ‎23-09-2017

hello Lawnwarrior, I am deeply sorry for the loss of your brother and what your wife is also suffering from once again, and because of this it takes you back to when your brother was run over, that's not any fault of yours, and but what it tells us is that you definitely need to see someone where you can discuss this with.
I also urge you to continue posting here on this site, and I say this because there maybe something small that you do mention where someone will immediately pick up on and respond back to you.
I take note that money is short, but your doctor can put you a mental health plan, this entitles you to 10 free visits to see a psychologist/psychiatrist, and if your doctor believes that you really need an extension then that's what will happen.
There are psych's who do bulk bill, but these are mostly psychiatrists, however you can also go to your local community centre where counsellors are available, maybe the men's shed, or perhaps Reachout, but first of all you must see your doctor.
I would definitely like to know how you are getting on. Geoff

Doolhof · ‎23-09-2017

Hi Lawnwarrior,

Welcome to the community here. I too am so very sorry to read your story. You certainly have a lot to contend with. If I may ask, have you received any counselling or assistance at all in any of these situations?

Were you assisted as a child when your brother died? It may be beneficial to ask your Dr for a referral to a grief counsellor, or you could do some research on grief yourself. Understanding the process and learning how to move on is very beneficial, it has helped me.

It does not mean you don't forget what has happened, you find ways to make peace with what happened. Not sure if that sounds right, we can't change what has happened, we can learn to let go of some of the pain and self blame you may feel.

I'm a volunteer firefighter in S.A. Not sure which state you are in. We have a special mental health team that provide us with assistance when needed for free. Is something like that available in your area? Can you share how you are feeling with fellow fire fighters?

I'm sure the Cancer Council must have some kind of assistance, advisory section, support or something for people.

There is a lot of information on this site that Beyond Blue provide. If you call them on 1300 22 4636, the person answering the phone may be able to help you find assistance in your area.

Recently I have been able to locate a psychologist who does bulk bill and he is wonderful.

There are lots of different threads here on all kinds of topics. Once you feel familiar with this forum, you might like to wander around and see what others have written and suggested.

People here care for each other, we are not professionals on this forum, but we are fellow people who have suffered one way or another.

I find that just writing about stuff helps.

Hope you find all the help you need. Cheers for now from Mrs D or Dools.

My_Kids_Make_Me_Smile · ‎23-09-2017

Hi Lawnwarrior,

I am a new member and after adding my own intro and reading your post within the first paragraph i was suprised how similar i felt.

I have struggled on and off my many years however it is only now with 2 young children that I find myself after each day analysing the day and finding myself so upset that I feel like I have't been the best father for my children as I also feel terrible that I left myself get worked up when they misbehave. I try so hard each day and some are good however if I have had a exhausting week at work and trying my best to give them my attention when I am home I still find myself struggling to not get upset at them or letting the tantrums get to me.

What keeps me looking forward is trying my best to not do the same thing the next day and each and every day try being the best father I can be.

demonblaster · ‎23-09-2017

Welcome to BB Mykids 🙂 hope I welcomed you too Warrior

Good on you posting here and clearly you love your kids, Both of you, children are pretty smart, I'm not a Mum but have lived and been around a lot and they know when they're loved & kudos yous both are trying & that's the biggy

Cyaz later here and around 🙂

Lawnwarrior · ‎24-09-2017

Hi demonblaster thank you for the kind words. I'm not exactly sure why I blame myself for my brother's death. I suppose I think that if I had have been holding his hand he wouldn't have taken off as soon as he saw the bus instead of looking for traffic first. I've never spoken to anyone professionally before about any of the grief in my life but I do find lots of support through close work colleagues and fellow firefighters. Things have come to a head in the last couple of years with my wife feeling very insecure in our relationship and this is spurring me into seeking some help. The replies I have received all point in the same direction which is to see my GP. I now have to find one of those that I can trust as I usually go to a walk in clinic and see any doctor that is available. My wife has been seeing a counsellor for her issues and I need to man up and sort out mine. I just want to be able to talk to my wife like I used to without feeling like I don't want to start an argument so I'll keep my mouth shut no matter what the problem. I think my fear of ruining our relationship by starting an argument if I have a problem and keeping my mouth shut is what is actually ruining our relationship. I will get on top of this.

demonblaster · ‎25-09-2017

Good to see you Warrior & clearly you're well named, loven that fighting spirit and YES you will get on top of it. You're very welcome matey 🙂

I guess this is so easy for me to say but be gentle with yourself. I do understand where you're coming from with your dear brother but he could've done exactly the same if you did have his hand, my god kids are quick, Sydney once talking to a father & same the little daughter bolted onto really busy Rd, we both went for her, the Dad nearly bruised my arm stopping me, amazing he was thinking of me at same time. Caught her but I saw how fast it can happen.

You've suffered long enough Warrior & have so much going on.

Beautiful that you want to sort it with your wife. I like your attitude.
Sometimes it takes time for us to work out what we have to do and you're in that head space so it's up from here.

Just confirmed on another thread, if you go to GP anyone working or Pension as I am can get 6-10 free a yr with psychologist, if you go a clinical psych there's a smallish gap under $50 here maybe dif where you live. But that'll take some stress off I hope.

Awesome, support's amazing isn't it, it boosts us and gives us power & reason to push through I've found. Ya don't feel so alone in the Black abyss aye.

Thanks for coming back and talking, & plz feel free to open up as much or little (might be repeating, but pfffttt we can handle that aye 🙂 as you like.

You have support here

Same I'll be back eventually if away any length of time

Take good care and hope no not hope know this is the beginning to some peace of mind.