Hello

[Eve12]

Hello,
Ive been having a really hard time coping.

I finally started therapy at the end of last year turned up to 2 sessions and got scared.
I've called up again today and organised to go back on my gp's recommendation.

My partner showed me this site a couple of years ago, but my anxiety has stopped me from posting.
So while I wait for support I thought starting to talk on here might help along my journey.

I have trouble talking to my partner because I just feel like a burden. Which i know I shouldn't.

I just feel crazy, my mind is just constantly is on. And I cant find the off switch.
The constant cycle of emotions and thoughts, I'm just so tired all the time.

I developed a wall to deal with things growing up and when I was hurt but i feel the cracks appearing.
I never seeked help when i needed to and I wish I did.

I know i shouldn't focus on what I could've or should've done but it's just so hard not to.

I find myself crying all the time, sometimes for no reason at all.
I've always been a person to put everyone before myself.

But I think it's time I focused on me.

[Ggrand]

Hello Eve12,

Welcome to Beyond Blue Forum..

I am so pleased you joined the wonderful community here..

It’s so nice to read that your going to start therapy again..It can be scary sometimes..I think we have to try as hard as we can to believe that the therapist is trying there hardest to help us....and I think that you need to have good vibes towards your therapist..I had one that did make me scared to open up to her..I am lucky now that my new one is one that I trust..

What a beautiful caring person your partner is..in taking time to find these forums which is a very safe place to talk..

Eve, It’s hard finding the off switch for constant cycle of emotions and thoughts, I found that when the thoughts are loud and annoying I try to refocus them onto something that I like doing..concentrating on something that needs our full attention, does give our mind a little rest...I like internet games, coming to BB forums..sitting outside and watching the clouds floating by, listening to birds..Do you like anything at all that you think might help distract the negative thoughts your having?..

I am sorry you’ve been crying, it’s okay lovely Eve to cry a bit and release some hurt or pain that seems to settle in our soul....

Putting others first is what I’ve done most of my life...now I’m working on me first..then others...You need to be very kind to yourself...your as important as everyone else...and not a burden at all..depression tells us lies..and we believe them..Someone once said to me..do and think the opposite of what depression is telling you..

Eve..here is a safe place for you to write your feelings, thoughts etc. down...get it out here and we will do our very best to help you through these hard times your going through..

Sitting here with you Eve, with a listening ear with kindness and care..

Talk here any time you feel up it dear Eve..we are listening..and want to help you..

Sending you my kindest caring thoughts..

Grandy..

[Real_life]

Hi Eve,

I want to just thank you for sharing, it actually is an eye opener that others can relate & understand. As I read your post a sense of calm came over me because I am feeling what I am reading as I can see this in myself. The one that helps needs help too. As my partner told me, if something were to happen to you what would everyone else do, who would they turn to... The key is self love, I find that if I see it as my partner does its easier to do. It may not be the 'correct' way but I feel as if its still putting others first but, in a more beneficial way if that makes sense.

You are not alone & I can hear you, thanks again.

[CalmCat]

Hi Eve,

Thank you so much for the more than vulnerable and honest post. You have such a endearing way with your words.

So much of what you wrote I could relate to, I too had issues with psychologists and I kept seeing different once till I found the right one for me. I could also relate to the worrying thoughts you had, these thoughts I'm still trying to conquer today, and with self care to my mind, body and soul I know I'll have power over them.

Please let us know how you get on, and please stay safe and stay strong in these times.

Regards,

Doran

[White_Rose]

Dear Eve

Hello and welcome to the forum. It's a good place to come to talk about your difficulties. There are no expectations from you. You are here to be helped and comforted. Please talk to us as openly as you can.

I know the story about putting everyone else first. It can become a most destructive habit which causes you grief and pain. If you have been on a plane you will know the emergency instructions as the plane gets going. One of these instructions is, should the need arise for everyone to put on an oxygen mask you MUST put your own on first, even before babies and young children. If you collapse from lack of oxygen you cannot help anyone. Please remember that. You have not got your oxygen mask on and you are collapsing from lack of air, metaphorically speaking.

Part of your air supply is talking to your partner. How can he know how you feel or what to do about it if you clam up. It's not just a nice thing to do, it's imperative. If he thought you were a burden he would not be concerned or organise help for you. This is what people do for those they love.

Do you know what scared you when you had your first therapy sessions? It may be a good idea to consider this. Write it all down and take it with you to your next therapy session. Perhaps you can keep a journal or list of your life and its problems and discuss these with the therapist. Having aids like this in your pocket helps to stop the anxiety about what is going to happen. If the therapist asks you question you are not prepared for, ask if you can talk about one or more of the items on your list.

I'm glad you have decided to be kind to yourself. The shoulda, woulda, coulda thoughts are preventing you from seeing yourself as a whole person who has the same needs as everyone else. You are as precious as everyone. It's time to let others help you.

I hope you get on better with your therapist this time. I would love to hear from you again.

Mary

[Eve12]

Thankyou everyone for reading and replying.

It's given me a little relief to know people understand some of the things on my mind.

My day has been a little bit better.
I actually got out of bed for more then 5 minutes.

My mind is a little quieter atm.

I sat with my son and went through school work for his remote learning.
Has been nice to have him home during the day.

I've been trying to make a appointment, I've left a voicemail and message the number for the therapist on their site but havnt gotten a reply.

I live in Victoria so everything is abit all over the place.

So hopefully I hear back soon

Thankyou again,

Eve

[White_Rose]

Hello Eve

Thanks for your reply. So good to know you are feeling a little better.

Can you contact the psychologist, or at least his reception staff, at his rooms? Using the web site is all very well if the psych looks at it. Contacting him at his office may work more quickly.

Living in Victoria must be quite difficult these days. How do you feel about talking to the psych on the phone? I'm not sure what the restrictions allow you to do about medical appointments. I am in Qld and have had telehealth chats with several doctors. Not as satisfying as face to face but better than nothing.

How lovely that you can help your son with his school work. I hope that helped to stop the thoughts going round in circles as well.

I hope you manage to see your psychologist soon. Check out the information on this site. Look under The Facts at the top of the page and Get Support. The more you know about depression the better able you are to manage.

Mary

[Eve12]

Hey Mary,

Still waiting for the psychologist to return my voicemail, they reopen tomorrow so will call again.

Have been keeping in contact with my gp, and he has been very supportive.

My partner is bipolar+BPD amongst other diagnosis and has been showing me skills.

I've been previously diagnosed with depression+PTSD and anxiety.

I was getting help years ago I was seeing a greif counsellor which I also ended up talking about my childhood.

The counsellor moved to a different job opportunity and I stopped going. During that time my partner was diagnosed with bipolar.

I found myself once again pushing my problems to the side and focusing my attention on supporting my partner. Since then he has been diagnosed with BPD and psychosis as well amongst other things.

Over the years I would stumble and pick myself back up slowing tucking everything behind the wall i built, continuing bottling everything up.

But over the past year I've found myself stumbling more and more.

I went to the psychologist last year October for the 2 sessions, I don't think I was ready for what she wanted me to work on

Then fast forward to last month I broke down i spiralled and i couldn't keep everything bottled up anymore.

I ended up quitting my fulltime job. All my thoughts are negative.

I just wasn't happy
My partner sat me down and told me that he supports me and we will look for the support I needed and I felt slight relief.

I've been doing as suggested above to fill my time with things I love to do and it helps.

I've also been spending some time on here reading through some of the helpful posts on mindfullness and other posts.

It's been nice to write on here as I don't have any friends to talk to.

Thank you for taking the time in reading my posts, it means a lot.

Eve