Hello to all

Realgal · ‎06-01-2022

I am a 50 plus woman living essentially on my own. I am renting and have casual employment - yes, I am one of those statistics. Divorced, adult kids.

I am here because I find the uncertainty is a weight and it has become worse since the pandemic. I have suffered from depression to varying degrees my whole life. I am finding it very hard to find joy in things. I often feel angry at my situation and my life has become very small and uneventful. I feel very sad a lot of the time. Even though the word depression comes up a lot in my life, I still have a hard time accepting it or believing it. I am not sure ultimately what it means to live with it as I don't like to accept that I have it.

Some days I feel as though everyone except me is getting on in life; has a more interesting life, can achieve more, has more energy, more money and loving relationship etc etc. Then I turn to myself and tell myself that is other people's lives. I feel less valuable.

I am hoping that through sharing, I might come to understand what I experience. Maybe I won't feel so singled out and alone.

Thank you for reading.

Banksy92 · ‎06-01-2022

Hello Realgal, and welcome to the community.

Thankyou for being so honest and vulnerable with us, I know it can take a lot to do this for some people.

May I ask, have you ever spoken to a doctor or psychologist about how you've been feeling? As someone who lives with on and off depression, having a regular safe space to talk through what I'm going through and build tools to help has been an enormous support.

If you're comfortable sharing, it would be great to know a little bit more about who you are and who you have in your life...

Do you have a relationship with your children, or any close friends you can spend time with?

What types of activities do you like to do to relax or find joy?

I know when we are zapped of energy from sadness, socialising and doing activities are often far from our mind, but I have found that building these things into my life have brought comfort and joy when I felt empty inside,

Look forward to hearing from you.

quirkywords · ‎06-01-2022

Real gal,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story.

I am about a decade older divorced with adult children who are busy at times with their own life. i think many people our age feel like you. I do volunteering and I like it an I am appreciated but I feel as I am unpaid people see me as different and not valued as much.

I find sharing here and being honest with myself and others, helps me to get things in perspective.

what do you like to . Art, walking or other exercise, reading, music etc.

i love books and being in a library or surrounding myself with books really helps me not feel so alone.

I am listening if you want to chat.

geoff · ‎07-01-2022

Hello Realgal, people can mistakenly use the word 'depression' when they're sad, however, it's defined as a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest but better explained by a doctor, although many of us have suffered from it.

Feeling envious of other people that constantly happens can eventually lead to depression, but looking at other people and what they have achieved compared to you, may have occurred for different reasons that weren't beneficial to you or they may have been lucky or had wealthy parents, so their life is totally different to yours.

This doesn't mean that there are other issues you have been struggling with and may be the prime cause for this feeling with your friends and a doctor can determine whether or not you need assistance to help you cope.

Geoff.

Realgal · ‎12-01-2022

Thank you for your reply Banksy92,

I have had a 'journey' if you like with seeing counselors, therapists, etc. I have been on anti-depressants for a long time. I started them when I had my first child. I have not really found 'the' therapist for me although they have each helped me through various tough times. For example, I haven't managed to see the same one for more than a couple of years for varying reasons. I don't have one at the moment and am looking for a good fit, available and one I can afford!

My husband of 20 years left about 6 years ago and that is still a source of great sadness for me. It was not a respectful or expected event. Soon after that, my eldest son fell into addiction. He is a lot better now. Luckily a very aware young man who wants to be well.

I have two adult sons, one who lives with me and the other does so on and off - especially at the moment with the pandemic. I have a close relationship with my sister and a loving mother. I am not short of caring family and friends.

More recently I decided I wanted to know more about who I was if I didn't take setrolin/seratonin. I had felt kind of numb on it. I came off them gradually with guidance from my doctor. Still not sure if that is a good thing or not. I wonder if anyone else has had this experience?

Other factors are definitely financial, housing, insecure work, etc etc. I know that if my housing situation were permanent I would feel that at least that was sorted and it wouldn't be a constant source of worry. I do have a stable renting arrangement but I worry a lot about aging and renting. I am sure I'm not alone there.

I have just been camping for 3 days. I thought that would fix lots of my melancholy. It took me until the last day to stop the worry loop in my brain. I am back now but I still feel sad much of the time. Holding it together as my son is around. I feel a burden for not being 'happy'. Not a great way to spend time.

It really helps to write this stuff out here. Grateful.

jaz28 · ‎12-01-2022

Hi there,

Welcome to the forums. I am sorry you've been having a tough time recently.

I think it is human nature to compare oneself to others to a certain extent. It is important to remind yourself that what you see is one's highlight reel - you do not know their life behind closed doors.

Depression is serious and I think you should seek out a doctor and psychologist to work through this.

I hope things start to improve,

Jaz.

Banksy92 · ‎12-01-2022

Hi Realgal,

I'm really happy to hear you have a strong support network around you, despite having been through what sounds like a difficult separation with your ex partner. Are you comfortable confiding with your lovely mother and sister about how you're feeling? Or your sons? I know it can be really hard as a parent to not want to cause worry or more pressure on our children but I'm sure they would want to support you however they could.

I know what you mean about finding the right 'fit' with a psychologist, it can really take time. I went through several before I found the person for me, and it even took a few months of sessions for me to realise how good they were for me. Remember you are also eligible for 10 free sessions (or up to 20 in covid-times) with a bulk billing psychologist through a mental health care plan - which you can get from your GP, if this helps.

With so much going on, I'm not surprised it took a few days for your mind to unwind while camping but I'm glad to hear you were able to reach that point even if it was brief. It sounds like being away in nature is really good for you. Do you like to go for nature walks? Maybe you can find a way to bring a little bit of the calm of nature into your everyday like to help soothe yourself. I take nature walks when I am low, I find it really soothing.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Realgal · ‎14-01-2022

I love nature. I spent my formative years growing up in Tasmania.

I try to walk every day along the creek. It does help me. I have not been doing that lately and it shows. I also did the Coast Trek in 2020 which was exhilarating. It's good to have something to train for.

I am going to spend the next week focused on finding a therapist to make another start with.

This forum is very very helpful and I thank you for your care and response.

Banksy92 · ‎19-01-2022

I'm so happy to hear you've found the community helpful. Sounds like a good plan re: the therapist search.

Training for goals and spending time in nature both also sound like great strategies. I love a nature walk too.

Hope you're getting on okay - we're always here if you need.

Realgal · ‎28-06-2022

Hello again,

I wanted to check back in and share with others who may be going through this journey.

I posted a while back about going off of SSRI medication for lots of reasons. The biggest was that I had been on them for so long, that I needed to find out if I needed them. I didn't like being on them and didn't like that I 'needed' them. I have just been looking around on the forum for other people's experiences with that journey but didn't find too much.

I want to share that it has now been 5/6 months of not being on medication and things have been very up and down, but the downs have gotten lower each time. I am at a point where I have a prescription again (sought out by myself). I really feel sad and I have failed at managing things without medication even though I believe I have worked very hard. I now, fortunately, have found a psychologist who practices CBT and Acceptance theory. I am sharing this because I think that many of us who rely on medication feel this way. So for all of you who are suffering over this decision, I see you. It's not easy.