Clueless newbie who doesn't know where to begin

[RazzGruber]

Hello everyone,

I'm a 50 year old guy, married for 14 years, and have twin 11 year old girls who are both on the autism spectrum. I am probably on the spectrum myself but haven't felt the need to be formally diagnosed. I was diagnosed with depression about 10 years ago and have good and bad periods.....right now being a bad one. My wife has essentially told me that unless I sort myself out and see a counsellor that she is going to leave me (or more to the point kick me out). She has threatened this before and I have been able to calm her down but this is one time I won't be able to. I know I have my issues but I would be devastated to lose her and the kids. She wants me to organise some counselling this week (and show her that I have made an appointment) and I don't even know where to begin. My head is in such a mess right now, and I want to try to make things better but I feel that sometimes no amount of effort is good enough. Hoping coming here can give me some insight.

[Sophie_M]

Hi RazzGruber,

Welcome! Thanks for reaching out here. We're sorry to hear that you're struggling with depression and are also having problems in your marriage as a result. We hope that the insight of our community members will be helpful to you.

It might be useful to get in touch with MensLine for some support and advice. MensLine Australia is a free 24/7 telephone and online counselling service for men with emotional health and relationship concerns. You can contact them on 1300 78 99 78 or https://mensline.org.au/

Depending on what you and your wife feel is appropriate, you might be interested in contacting an organisation called Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. They provide relationship support services for individuals, families and communities and aim to support all people in Australia to achieve positive and respectful relationships.

Thanks for reaching out here. Hopefully some of our community members will be by over the next few days to welcome you.

[Summer Rose]

Hi RazzGruber

Welcome to the bb forum and thank you for sharing your story.

I have been married 30 years and have played the "do as I say or I will leave" card once. I needed to bring about change and nothing else was working. I was desperate. I loved my husband with all of my heart (and still do) but I needed to get him in front of a counsellor.

Does this resonate with you? Could this be where your wife is coming from?

It sounds as though you love your wife and the girls and that your marriage is important to you. I know it's hard but if you think on some level that seeking professional help could benefit you, perhaps you could have a chat with your GP.

If you book a double appointment you should have enough time to explore the issues. Then your GP can recommend the appropriate next steps.

You don't have a lot to lose by trying. I guess you have to ask yourself, what's the alternative? And remember, with the right treatment most people do recover from depression. It can get better.

Kind thoughts to you

[mocha delight]

Hi razzgruber I’m sorry to hear about what your going through but the first step is making an appointment with your gp/doctor to talk about your issues which maybe take your wife to so that she can see your starting the process, second your gp/doctor will ask about your thoughts/feelings/will ask you to do a k10 quiz over 2 weeks (well that was the case for me), third your gp/doctor willl either refer you to a psychologist/clinical psychologist or if your issues are more complicated you’ll be referred to a psychiatrist (I would suggest asking for a list of names as some on it they may not be taking on new clients and saves having to make a appointment to get another nanny of someone else, fourth all mental health workers have different waiting times before you get into see them, fifth you might see a few mental health workers before you find one you click with and sixth you won’t get diagnosed with anything at the end of your first appointment as some take longer while others take less time for a diagnosis. I hope this all helps and by the way welcome to the forums and good luck.

[geoff]

Hello RazzGruber, my heart goes out to you because I was in a very similar situation and from what you've told us only seems to add onto how you are feeling, making it worse.

Sometimes all you feel is whether to make your wife happy and not concentrate on your own issues, so that she'll stay or whether you concern yourself with getting help for all these problems facing you, and that can be a difficult question.

If you think about keeping your wife doesn't solve the problems you're having, but the important issue is that you need to look after yourself first.

Saying to her that you're going to have counselling may temporarily hold you both together, but support may not be happening quick enough, that's not your problem.

Take care.

Geoff.