Caring for a friend with dementia and need advice on how to cope

[1dering]

My 80 year old friend has stroke induced dementia. We have been partners for several years but always maintained separate residences. For years I have traveled from my place in the country to his place in the city to do his shopping, cleaning and provide companionship. In January, I found him collapsed in his house and got him admitted to hospital. The doctor advised that he had frontal temporal demention and that his condition would only worsen. Placing him in a home was recommended but I agreed to look after him at my home instead. In May, he started having problems with his balance but also his behavior started becoming more erratic. He became convinced that I was going to dump him and get a boyfriend. He became threatening but not physically violent. The GP suggested respite which I organized with a nursing home. I hated the nursing home and when I could not visit because of covid19 he became very angry with me. Then the nursing home restricted residents to their rooms which made him even worse. About a week ago I received a call from the nursing home to say my friend had entered a female residents room and was attempting to have sex with her. I was asked to remove him so I brought him back to my home. His jealousy has worsened and his desire for sexual gratification is constant. If I leave the room, he must follow me. At night he refuses to sleep and keeps me awake with increasingly more bizarre delusions about lovers. The lack of sleep, the constant groping and the constant demands for attention are turning me into an angry person. I don't think I am cut out to provide him with care but the only alternative seems to be to take him to his house in the city but then he cannot look after himself.Any suggestions on how to deal with the constant desire for sex and the all night anger sessions?

[White_Rose]

Hello 1dering

Welcome to the forum. You are having a very hard time at moment and I do feel for you. You have looked after your friend very well in the past and I can understand your reluctance to return him to his home in his condition where he is likely to get himself into more trouble.

Have you been in contact with Dementia Support Australia (DSA)? This is their web page. https://dementia.com.au/ I think it would be well worth while to contact these people and ask for help. I have had a quick look at the web page and it found they have support program for carers and the person with dementia. They offer assessment support and will help with a placement if necessary.

I also suggest you talk to your GP about your struggles. He/she may be able to help with some strategies as well as check on your health. It is important that you stay healthy for all the usual reasons.

I can only imagine how hard it is to see your friend of many years change from the loving person he was once to someone who has little idea of what is happening to him and how it impinges on you. It may be he needs to go into residential accommodation and into a dementia ward. Not something you want to happen. You do need to care for yourself. I'm sure you realise that if your health collapses there will be two people who need help and no resources.

I'm sorry I cannot offer any suggestions to manage his demands and your lack of sleep. I have little personal experience of caring for someone with dementia. Please contact DSA.

Mary