Can't cope

[Knightfall_Protocol]

Hi Everyone,

Not really sure where to start with all this, so I guess roughly from the beginning would be easiest. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety from about 16/17 years old. I'll be 30 next month. I've been on nearly every medication a doctor could prescribe and spoken with psychologists and psychiatrists over the years but nothing has helped.

I'm slowly getting worse as the years go by, I end up having to stay away from life by hiding in bed for most of the day and night. I've tried to hold jobs but each time I end up leaving quicker and quicker because I can't handle interaction with strangers anymore. I've not been in work for over a year this time before starting another job last week. All I do is panic all day and can't focus on work, every fibre of my being is screaming at me to run away and hide back in my room.

I can only hold out for so long without the little voices in my head screaming at me to just end it. I've been fighting that voice for years but it's getting harder to do so, like getting repeatedly hit lightly in the same spot it slowly hurts more and more. I tell myself I should probably check in to a hospital, but the last time I did that I felt like I was in prison and I couldn't handle the other patients there.

If I leave this job I then have to somehow explain to Centrelink/Job Centre why I left a paying job, I'd be willing to bet they'd just cut off any support for me. I hate feeling like a leech, accepting help from my partner, family and friends just makes me feel worse. I don't know where to go from here.

So as the title tread says, I can't cope with life anymore. Getting out of bed is hard enough as it is, let alone trying to function like everyone else.

I feel like I'm out of options.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Knightfall_Protocol,

First of all we'd like to say how grateful we are that you felt brave enough to reach out to us here. We know it's not easy, but it is very important that you have. We're sorry after trying so many different treatments that you're struggling like you are just now. We hope you find the peer support, advice and conversation our wonderful online forums community is able to provide helpful.

That said, our support service is reaching out to you via email as we are worried about you. If you ever feel like you're in immediate danger of hurting yourself that it's an emergency and you should call 000 straightaway. You might also find it helpful to reach out to our friends at Lifeline for crisis support on 13 11 14.

We want you to know you've come to a safe and non-judgmental place where users give and receive support based on their own experiences with mental health, many of which will bear striking similarities to yours. Please know, no matter how dark things may seem for you right now, things can get better.

Please check in and let us know how you're getting on whenever you feel up to it.

[james1]

Hello Knightfall_Protocol,

I just wanted to send you a quick hello and I hope you can feel safe speaking to us here. It sounds like you've been suffering for a really long time now and you are finding it really hard to cope now.

I am just a year younger than you, turning 29, and the feelings you've described were things I've also been through in the past. In particular, feeling like a leech as if I was just taking help that was not deserved, and feeling worse for it.

I just wanted to send you a kind reminder that your partner, family, friends and us here want to offer you help because we think you do deserve it. Support isn't a tit-for-tat transaction, but it's given because people care about you.

In my own experience, some days were worse than others and I would find myself in a mental rabbit hole. Like you, I also couldn't focus on anything and I have been tempted on numerous occasions just to quit my job. I now have some things I do to try and ground myself a bit and get out of my head, which I do find helps that spiral. For me, physical sensations like walking barefoot (safely!) or cold walks are really useful. I also find reading aloud quite good because it means I have to focus on reading the words, and I'm also hearing a real voice and not just my own thoughts in my head.

Do you have anything which helps when you are starting to panic?

James

[Knightfall_Protocol]

Thank you both Sophie_M and james1 for your kind words.

Most of the time if I'm in a spiral I send messages to people to talk, only problem is they're generally busy with their own work that they can't just stop to let me vent my troubles. Kind of the reason I decided to join this forum. If my stress levels get too high I tend to become overwhelmingly tired and need to sleep to physically recover from the panic attack.

I've spent most of my day today trying to focus on my work, but self doubt and nerves set in. Then I feel like the only option is to run away and hide to calm down.

[james1]

Hello Knightfall_Protocol

It's really nice to hear from you again. I'm glad you've joined these forums, because it sounds like it could be helpful for you to have another place to go if you need to talk. I'll be here to chat, though obviously there may be a bit of a delay.

While we're on that topic, I thought I'd point out that BeyondBlue does have a live chat option from 3PM to midnight each day. I've used it before when I didn't want to make a call instead, and it was nice to just have someone to message even if briefly.

I can understand that it can be really difficult to reach people sometimes, and personally, I often find it makes me feel even worse when people aren't responding.

Do you have time off during weekends? How are you feeling now this weekend?

I had a nice day today and went for a short, one hour hike. It was nice to get out, especially since tomorrow is meant to be super rainy!

James