What I wish health professional would know when I say I am suicidal and what I need them to do

[NurseK]

I am a health professional, in fact I am a mental health nurse and a provisional psychologist. Along with these credentials I was diagnosed a year ago with depression and anxiety, and unfortunately 10 months ago I started experiencing Akathisia

I have been suicidal on and off over the past year. Sometimes this last for a few days other times it weeks or months. I have presented to an emergency department because I felt I could no longer keep myself safe. I have used crisis teams, I see a psychiatrist weekly , a neuropsychiatrist fortnightly and a psychologist. Throughout my journey I have also seen my GP regularly.

Over the past year I have told health professionals that I am suicidal between 30-40 times, these weren't just thoughts of dying, I had a plan, I had access to what I needed and I had intent. Of all these times I disclosed my suicidality only three health professionals did their job. They stopped and delved deeper into why I was feeling suicidal, what my plans were, how intent I was in carrying out my plan and if I had a plan in place to stop me for acting on these urges. For all the other times I disclosed I was feeling suicidal, I was ignored. It was as if the words had not come out of my mouth. They moved on to the next thing and then sent me on my way saying they will see me in however many weeks. After my ED presentation and speaking to the medical doctor that I wasn't coping with my Akathisia and I wanted to die, without a mental health assessment, I was informed to stop a medication and was sent on my way. I walked out of that ED room and cried. I wasn't coping. I needed help and here a hospital was turning me away and making me deal with this anguish myself.

As an in-patient nurse it is my job to keep my patients safe. We are a locked facility and patients have very little access to things that can cause them harm. If a patient voices they are suicidal it is my job to ask the difficult questions to ensure there safely. This should be the same for all health professionals. I do not talk about my suicidal thoughts and plans to gain attention. Just because I have turned up to my appointment does not mean I am coping and does not mean I will remain safe. I disclose my suicidal thoughts because I need help and I need to share the burden. The burden of having these feelings and the burden of trying to stay alive for my friends and family.

Please remember this the next time your patient is brave enough to say they are suicidal.

[Wednesday]

Hi Nursek,

Thank you for writing. I don't think you are alone with your suicidal thoughts others on the forum battle on with them too. I am sure many of us share your frustrations with the health care system. I must be incredible frustrating to work in an environment that you in part at least align with.

Akathisia is awful, I've had what I think is something similar. It was related to medications, I can't recall the name it is a nightmare. I walked around and around in circles and couldn't sit down. I was exhausted but had to keep moving. Is this similar? How are you going now, did you stop the meds?

Do you feel you are managing your suicidal thoughts or are they taking over? Please look after yourself.

The forum is a great place to talk and air those feelings and there is the 1300 22 4636 number if you want to talk to someone in person. You probably know all the numbers but just in case the suicide call back line is 1300 659 467 and lifeline is 13 1114

Let us know how you are feeling, here's a hug in case it helps.

[White_Rose]

Dear NurseK

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for your courage in writing here about both of the huge difficulties in your life. I don't know much about Akathisia except from a short google, but I understand it is a horrible thing to endure. Please accept my love and compassion to you. I know it cannot help much, I want to express my concern for you.

Thank you also for talking about your suicidal thoughts. This is one big scary problem that the medical profession is not addressing. I am sorry you are being allowed to fall through the cracks. Wednesday has given you a couple of numbers and like her I expect you already know them. The Suicide Callback number is operated by psychs as I understand it.

The public hospital system lets us all down. Do you have private medical insurance? Your psychiatrist or neuropsychiatrist should be able to admit you to a private hospital I would have thought. The truth is I do not know how either hospital system works. I was taken unconscious to a public hospital last year after a suicide attempt. They kept me until I regained consciousness and then sent me home. while there and conscious I found I was treated disrespectfully and without thought for the anguish I was experiencing. No attempt to ensure there was someone at home to care for me (there was no one) or any suggestion of help. It was several days later that a couple of people from the mental health team turned up and announced they had come to assess me.

Available beds are always an issue, but it seems to me that patients with a life threatening illness are always admitted to hospital regardless of the availability of beds.

I suspect these various mental health experts presume that since you have managed not to harm yourself in the past, you will have the strength to stay safe on your own. I wonder if they realise how illogical that is. Do you have any family or friends who would be prepared to stay with you or for you to stay with them when you feel most at risk? It's a big ask for friends I know and I expect some people would not feel comfortable with this. But it is an option. I understand if you feel this is unacceptable because the medical profession should be taking care of you.

I feel a little odd giving you suggestions as you probably know more then me. Please keep writing in here if it helps.

Mary

[Kylie_Ann]

Hi NurseK,

Thankyou for your post, this just enforces to me how bad our health system is.

I have also informed several health professionals, have asked for help many times and have also asked to be admitted to hospital to be constantly let down and sent on my way.

I have almost been kicked out of the community mental health facility (outpatient) for asking for too much help. My GP has fought so hard for my rights and has somehow managed to keep me in their system, not that they are currently doing anything to help me.

I have caused more distress, hurt, frustration, anger and made myself more upset from trying to get help and support.

You sound like a wonderful nurse who only wants the best for your patients and also the best for yourself.

I hope someone will be able to show you the compassion, empathy and support you also require, need and deserve.

Wishing you all the best xx

[blondguy]

Hello NurseK

I have a close friend that voluntarily self admitted to a new psychiatric 'wing' of a major hospital with minor thoughts of suicide and acute depression/anxiety. They took her clothes and meds and gave her a gown to wear. The staff wouldnt even let her wear her pyjamas she brought with her.

I really struggle with how we are treating people that need immediate care and the ones that require it less than you do. As an observer/carer I am ashamed of the lack of understanding provided to people that require immediate help and those that dont.

Considering your occupation and experience and what you have been through I am convinced that we are regressing where mental health care is concerned.

I am so sorry NurseK. I am here for the lack of care my brother had in an 'institution' when he was young.

Paulx

Thankyou Kylie Ann