The Miracle Question. What to do when therapy techniques open a can of worms.

[Quercus]

Hi everyone,

I'm hoping someone can relate to this and perhaps share how they coped.

A few days ago I learnt about therapists using the 'Miracle Question'. As in you wake up and a miracle has happened and you feel well. What has changed? How do you know a miracle has happened?

I'd never heard of this before. Wasn't expecting my mind to go straight to answering the question. And it set me off badly.

Nothing was different in my imagination at first. Still managing depression, still sore with the autoimmune arthritis, kids just as feral and me just as cranky as usual. But then I saw the change. My Mum knocked on the door and let herself in. Pulled up a chair at the table and it was so relaxed and informal it was clear this was a regular thing. And I wasn't expected to fake happy and perform.

And my goodness did that hurt. I had to remind myself we can't make choices for other people.

I wanted that scene to be real. But it's not going to happen. If I've been asking for almost 6 years now and nothing has changed then perhaps I need to let the dream go.

Has anyone else found themselves triggered by something in therapy and unable to shake it days later?

What did you do to regain a sense of stability?

Nat

[white knight]

Hi Nat

Not really however, early in therapy the greatest lesson I ever learned was when my therapist asked me what had occured that week. (1987)

I'd answered him. "I did gardening one day and worried I'd get an injury, I fixed my car but imagined my dad passing away and we went shopping but I thought about starving."

He said to me, do you believe your thoughts are realistic?

From that moment on I introduced that question with every dream or fantasy or fear.

Eg imagining your mum entering and sitting down...is that realistic? If not what purpose does that wish serve other than false hope? Do we fill our minds with dreams that are unlikely to eventuate and most importantly- does that benefit us or harm us?

For me, it harms me. Worry, fantasizing, dreaming, wishing all have become a distant memory now and because of that transformation my mental strength has grown.

An old lady neighbour of mine listened to me tell her I'd purchased a tattslotto ticket. Knowing we were poor (1993) she said my action was fantasy. "The $2 could buy 2 litres of milk for your toddlers". She was right.

So, in summary although your experience in therapy this time was a trigger, often things happen for a reason. You raising the question could be that reason. But dreams are wishes that likely wont happen. Wishes are things that generate disappointment so are counter productive.

Having developed my ability to discard what is not real, Ive become more focussed on what matters- achievable goals and realistic plans.

Fantasizing of you being Cinderella is also not realistic but it is harmless and can add a smile. Fantasizing about an event that will not occur is bringing burden upon yourself. Self created worry.

Prior to this development in my life I could easily be driving along a road happy, then begin to imagine my dear grandfather returning to my life (he'd passed years before) then burst in tears. To introduce to my mind sad thoughts that were totally unrealistic was to introduce my own torturing scenarios. That had to stop. My challenge was to recognise the moment I walked along that road towards that thought. When I did I'd do an action that helped me refocus like turn the music on or think of something happier. Eventually I could control my thoughts better.

Google

Beyondblue Topic worry worry worry

I hope that helps.

TonyWK

[geoff]

Hi Nat, a good question with a great reply from Tony.

We can't make choices for other people but different outcomes by doing a, b or c can be provided by others, so you can have a more expansive and knowledgeable choice to make, so if the can of worms is opened, then you maybe prepared, but if not then worry and anxiety can interfere with your ability to relax.

If someone doesn't contact you within a certain time, you may start to worry that you did something wrong and that they are upset with you, this will also open up a can of worms, thinking unimaginable consequences.

To remain stable means that you can go through these different options of what you have been told and choose the one that best suits you and the reason why that's determination.

To hang onto what you believe is a terrific virtue.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Nat,

Ohh, the miracle question. I think a big part of that question is what is the first thing that you might notice? How might you feel? What might you be doing?

So maybe the idea of your mum pulling up a chair being relaxed is too much of a stretch - but maybe that feeling of not needing to be 'fake happy and perform' might not be. Maybe part of that miracle could be the way that you feel about yourself and have compassion for yourself so that you don't feel the need to be fake happy.

Also yes - I'm often totally triggered by therapy. I often say to my therapist that I need another therapist to cope with the session! As for stability, I really like journalling, but sometimes talking things over helps, or trying to do things that I enjoy to switch off a bit, or just reminding myself that it won't always be this intense.

[Quercus]

Hi Tony and Geoff and RT 😊

Such fantastic replies I don't really know where to start. You've all given me different things to think about that I hadn't considered. I appreciate it very much.

Tony the idea of torturing yourself with a fantasy is pretty accurate. I'm usually pretty good at cutting this one off quickly and getting back to reality. I think this just caught me off guard a bit.

Geoff the idea of weighing up options and choosing what you need to focus on makes sense to me.

And RT your post made me think more about the immediate response to the question. What was the very first thing I noticed. You have a point. The relaxed part isn't important. And neither was feeling like I didn't have to perform. It was simply her choosing to be there.

I'm going to have to think about all of your ideas.

Thank you all so much for helping me sort out the chaos in my head. I hope you are all doing ok.

❤ Nat

[white knight]

Hi Nat

When training in prison work 1978, we were told in a court of law you can answer thus- ues, no, dont know....in general terms.

Since then as part of my action to eliminate anxiety, I've developed strategies one of which is to eliminate the guilt associated with

• justifying my feelings
• Having to provide an answer
• To reply "I dont know" if I indeed dont know
• And informing others "I'll have to think about that before I can give you an answer"

These strategies are why questions no longer throw me, upset me etc as it did you in that session.

TonyWK

[Nurse_Jenn]

Hi everyone,

I have found this thread really interesting and it has taken me sometime to reflect on whether I have anything worthy to contribute. After thinking about the 'Miracle Question' myself for a few days as a therapy technique, I suspect that for some people, especially when the trigger is very much out of their own control, posing this question could cause people distress especially if the technique is not applied with the right cushion of support around it. In a typical therapy session, there would be some time for reflection and discussion on what the technique brings up for a person. However, this reflection can often occur days after a therapy session. It often takes time for a person to digest a therapy session completely. Many times I have had discussions with people and triggers are not fully realised until well after the interaction.

I often refer to a person's 'support circle or care team' in my posts. This may include a friend, a family support, a therapist, a work colleague, a manager, etc. etc. etc. Each person in this circle offers a person a different layer of support. They are all important in a persons journey but will also bring rise to triggers that can shake us whether this be in a therapy session or in a normal day to day conversation. I often hear from people I work with wanting to talk about a conversation they had with a partner or colleague that was very triggering. Visa versa, I am certain there have been times that I have unintentionally triggered someone in a therapy session. I am hopeful they have been able to tap into a member of their 'support circle' to help process the trigger (or come back to me) and figure out what we might do in future to prevent it from occurring again.

Triggers to emotion (both good and bad) in therapy and in our day to day relationships are common. Much of the time we learn from these events and move forward. Other times, they trigger recurs and could mean that the relationship (which could be between you and a therapist) may need some maintenance.

I have certainly learned from reflecting on your post Quercus. It is great reminder to all of us about being considerate that what we say , despite best intentions, could end up as a trigger to another persons pain. The strategies presented in this thread to use if you do get triggered during therapy, on the forum, or just in life day to day conversations, are really important.

Wishing you the best possible outcome,

Nurse Jenn